To be angry at having to have another colposcopy?

[LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn]

I know- I'm lucky. I'm grateful for the NHS, that it's taking care of me. But I'm going along for a colposcopy this afternoon and I really don't want to go and I feel angry.

Backstory is I had abnormal smear with HPV 6 years ago and had a colposcopy at the time, followed by LLETZ treatment for CIN2 cell changes. Was told at the time it was unlikely I'd ever need treatment again (this isn't why I'm angry btw- I know unlikely isn't a guarantee).

I've been on yearly smears since then and all have been fine until my last one in December. Borderline cell changes and HPV. So another colposcopy this afternoon.

I know it's stupid and irrational but I'm angry. Angry at having to go through it all again, and a bit worried about the possibility of further treatment. I've had so much shit to deal with in the past two years- bereavement, nasty separation from abusive ex, house sale, going back to work, whilst looking after and trying to protect my young DC. I'm sick of things being difficult.

I really don't want to go this afternoon. I'm obviously going to but I'm in a real sulk about it all. Someone give me a kick up the arse.

I do understand - you have indeed had a lot of crap. You don't need a kick up the arse - you need a hug, reassurance and to be kind to yourself. I speak as someone off for CT scan tomorrow after numerous hospital visits and tests. Bodies are infuriatingly vulnerable. I hope that it goes OK and that life turns around soon.

@Punkatheart thankyou, I hope your scan goes well too. Health is precious isn't it

I think YANBU to feel angry. You're not angry at anyone/ the NHS - just the crap hand you've been dealt. It's a very natural human response and tbh, if I were you, I'd be really honest about that at your appt. Not making a big deal but just saying 'you know, I'm really down about this, I thought I had the all-clear and it's really preying on my mind'.

I bet they will be able to find some words of comfort. They deal with this stuff all the time and they will know it's not easy.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff thankyou. I have already requested that I only see female nurses/consultants about this, having had bad experiences previously with a male consultant. I'm feeling vulnerable and need everything in place to make it as easy as something like this can reasonably be.

It does make me think how bloody lucky I am to have the nhs with things like this.

That's a good strategy - anything that helps. Yes, the NHS is bloody brilliant. You are not angry with the organisation but your situation. Anger is actually healthy, as I have been told that my stoicism is denial. Let it out and treat yourself when you get home and watch some bad TV!

(((OP)))

You are not being unreasonable to be angry. I know how you feel because I've been there. Having a colposcopy is horrible and so is worry about smear tests. I agree with the poster who says you need a hug. Take care and be kind to yourself. It will soon be over.

YANBU - no arse kicking from me. Just good wishes and a hug.

I do feel guilty for complaining- I know some people have worse outcomes. I'm really hoping this isn't going to be serious given my last smear in Dec 2018 was clear. This is why I never want to be off yearly recall.

I saw my aunty die of cervical cancer when I was 14- she also had a 14 year old son. She's always in my thoughts when I go for a smear. And why I know it's so important.

Keep on keeping on. Some things, however important are the cliche of the straw that breaks the camels back. Here's to things looking better for you soon.

Please to report it went well and they didn't even need to take a biopsy- all ok.

Thankyou all 💐

Brilliant news OP

Hoorah!