AIBU - To not tell my manager where I am going

[Rattymare]

I have managed to secure a place on a family programme for myself to help me to cope with my Ds who is a drug addict . The problem is the programme is between 10.00 and 12.00 on a morning for a set number of weeks. I work flexi full time and am happy to take the time as flexi but I don't want to tell my boss where I am going. If it was 12.00 - 2.00 it wouldn't be a problem as I could take the time as a long lunch break. But 10.00 - 2.00 are core hours.

I personally think you need to be honest to avoid any bad feeling at work .Apart from just protecting your privacy is there any reason why you don’t want to tell your manager ?

If it is outside of permitted flex time then she would be reasonable to ask why you needed the time off. If for whatever reason you didn’t want to give the exact reason you would be reasonable to give a slightly vague answer such as ‘attending a very important series of meetings regarding supporting another member of your family who has a medical issue.’

I think any reasonable work place, and a good manager, will do what they can to help, but you need to be honest with them, and trust that they will keep your information confidential - I can't imagine they wouldn't.

The point about flexi is that it allows flexible working patterns to a degree, but core hours have to be really strictly managed or else it becomes a free for all. In my workplace, you can work flexibly in the designated hours without having to say what time you are arriving or leaving at etc. but you cannot expect to take a chunk of core hours without sticking to the policies i.e. medical appointment, annual leave etc. (and even with annual leave, you'd have to take the entire morning, we don't allow hours as annual leave for f/t staff).

However, if a staff member needed special provision for a specific period of time, especially in such a serious and sensitive matter, I am sure it would be supported.

I say talk to your manager honestly. Good luck

I had to slope off for a series of counselling sessions once. No asked so I didn't tell.

I would be honest - you need your employers goodwill to be able to take regular flexi time. I'm also assuming that you would make up the time you are taking off

We operate flexi-time and are pretty flexible and supportive. In these circumstances, I would make a temporary adjustment to your flexible working arrangements that would remove the 1000 to 1200 period on a set day for a specified period of time from your core hours.

I would also give you the option of working your full contracted hours at different times, taking unpaid leave or allocating an appropriate number of days annual leave. You would have to pick one of those options but it would be your choice which one.

Doing this protects you as much as the organisation. If anyone asked why you weren't there I would just say that your working hours had been temporarily adjusted. No need to explain why.

I'm a manager. I'd need to know broadly why you needed the time off. "Family counselling, times cannot be changed" would be enough. I can normally tell if my team prefer not to disclose and they are entitled to privacy so I will tell them what minimum information I need and who I have to disclose what to. If you just said "I need the time off" I'd push you for more information. I couldn't approve it on the basis of nothing.

If at all possible, I'd put your trust in your manager and tell them you're supporting a family member going through medical treatment. It's the honest thing to do, and will also enable the manager to crack down on any workplace gossip or speculation.

What is your reason to be reluctant- dob you think they would treat you differently?

I would go with vague and professional;

"Dear Boss,
I would like to request 10-12pm off for 6 weeks between X and Y dates to attend and immovable family appointment."

Until now no-one at work knows about my DS and I just feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I will be honest with boss but quite vague as most of you have suggested. I will say I'm supporting a family member and would rather not go into it. Boss and company are very fair and I'm sure that there won't be a problem taking the time it's just me being silly and worrying. Thanks for all your help.

Why do you feel ashamed and embarrassed? Hopefully this programme will help you feel differently. Being open and honest will help you feel liberated. The more people I told about my survival of sexual abuse, rapes and drug addiction, the less shame I felt. When I let the shame and embarrassment leave, that's when I started living again.

No need to go into details. Just say you have a string of appointments at such and such time for X weeks and although its core hours you hope they can let you attend, after which you will be working normal hours once more. You will make up hours arriving a bit earlier/leaving a bit later on the days in question.

If they are a nice manager/employer and are inclined to accept, I doubt they'll probe further as to the specifics.

Just say it's mental health support for your child.

The trouble with saying you are going with a family member to medical appointments begs the 'why you' question, or 'ok you do two and someone else in the family do the rest'.

So I think you need to start with something not so vague that it can be questioned

Just say you need to accompany your son to counselling sessions he urgently needs

I had a similar problem with a ADD/ADHD parenting course which run from 10-12 with no chance to change days.

I spoke first to HR and they were very supportive. She suggested to have a meeting with her, my boss and me and then just discuss it as vague as I felt comfortable, she was ok with just her knowing the full story. The idea would be me working from home on these days and just blocking these hours in my calendar as meetings so nobody would ask questions.

In the end I was lucky that the day for the course was on my day off but at the course there were several people saying that employers weren't happy with them doing it, having to take annual leave or unpaid time off and this for a course which was mandatory to get the official diagnosis.

I know it's hard, OP, but you don't need to feel ashamed and embarrassed. You are getting help and that takes a lot of courage to do.

Tell your boss whatever you're comfortable with and see what they say (I'd say something like 'I have to accompany my child to some health appointments every Tuesday morning for x weeks.' I'd think they'd be happy with that; if they pushed I'd just say 'The details are private.'

Like a pp said, family counselling. Manager doesn't need to know why but needs to know enough so the can justify authorising you to use your flexo in core hour.
You just need to give them enough to make and record an informed decision.

I'd give him a clue so they have a vague idea but not the full details.