AIBU to seek a court child arrangement order to specify contact for holidays? EA ex

[Teabay]

Hi,
Please help, share your experiences. Posting here for traffic.
Divorced EA exh almost four years ago. He is still FURIOUS that I left. DC aged 8 & 13 live with me, have every other weekend with him.
Last January he agreed first two weeks of school hol with DC. I booked 10 days hol. One week before he said he was only having one week, he'd never agreed to two.
Upshot was (after posting on here) I took DC with me and they didn't go camping with him.
He is still raging about this, said I stopped him going etc etc, I was petty etc etc.

This January I sent him a 2020 year calendar with eow marked on it. I asked if he wanted first or second week of Easter, and first or last week of summer.
He ranted that he is not going to tell me, he has no plans, will just let me know if he books something.

Aaagh!
Can I stop this happening for next 10 years? Through court?

I'm in similar position. YANBU for wanting him to be reasonable and for taking him to court.

Unless things have changed over a year... you will be asked to attend a mediation with him first (MIAM), CAFCASS can be involved to check DC ok, the initial form C100 isn't hard to complete or reply to. I went without a solicitor (think it's called litigant person).

In my case exH took me to court as like yours he kept changing plans and blaming me. He thought he could con a judge to be angry with me. The court saw my records and agreed with my requests, childcare is all through school and he's expected to confirm holidays in advance. The court officials were very professional and calm saw straight through ex.

Have a clear schedule, keep really concise and accurate evidence, make everything based on"for DC best interests they need...X, Y and Z".

We attended mediation in 2016, the mediator had to stop the session and take him outside because he was too aggressive.
Ditto marriage counsellor three months before (he only went twice).
Would I have to do mediation again? He's refused point blank. Hasn't had anything to do with DC schools either for three years, except youngest's nativity years ago and to drop off helium balloons on her bday

I'm in another country, so limited use to you, but all of this is set in stone on the court documents. Problem is as the children reside with me, he can basically drop his part of the plans at will. I do not plan any holidays for myself in 'his time' as so far, 2 yrs on, he has never taken the time he has as he is supposed to. The longest he has had all 3 together is 2 nights and they were dropped back early 🤣 I had to leave the 1 day yoga thing I'd thought was pretty safe to book into as a 'holiday' and leg it home to meet them in the street, poor things.

So yes, get something signed off by court, but also yes, the EA continues on and on and on. Sorry! I'm just sitting it out until I can apply for a variation on the order and go in with all the evidence of missed/ given up access and ask for it to be made more realistic.

I keep going for the sake of the children's relationship with him, but they're not stupid (although v young!) and are already saying things like 'why doesn't daddy pick us up on time?' (He's almost compulsively late but anything between 10-50minutes for everyone single access visit)

Sorry, bit of a rant rather than any help 🤦🏽‍♀️

He too has dropped eldest off, when they were rowing, knowing I was at least an hour away.

I'm going to have to suck it up, aren't I?

Did he drop them back because he was in a shitty mood?

I doubt you'll have to suck it up for 10yrs. Once your youngest is at secondary things will change and they might not want to see their dad as often. My XP was asked to leave mediation for being an asshole too, luckily we never saw him after that.

Just tell him when you're going on holiday with then as he hasn't expressed a preference.

And then if he does have them don't let him know of any plans you have etc.

You can't rely on him, that's the bottom line - but you can control the impact on you.

He buys them things I won't (eg latest phone, games systems, online credit) so they have a warped view, plus he's full of bs about me ("Daddy was confused about when the trip was, said you told him wrong date" etc. - when he won't even sign up to school text / letter service, would cost him £5 a year). So is a lot of "poor daddy is lonely living in that big house by himself'

Ahh poor daddy, mine is poor daddy says he has ptsd that's why he used to shout and do bad things when he was home 🙄

Teabay OMG we have the same exH in mentality if nothing else. Did you ever post here about narcissistic ex's as I did yrs around 3.5-4 ago another username?

My exH is misunderstood Disney victim Dad, apparently I confuse him and he "does to much for me" in seeing DC. I can't work out why he hates me, but think it's because he can't control me. My outlet is a supportive partner and family. I hope you have support.

Courts can state rules, but not behaviours. E.g. my ex has to pick up from school, but I have no option to stop his sarcastic and nasty messages when arranging holidays as they're in the same email.

You could ask for holidays to be planned by X month to run X months ahead. Honestly though my ex procrastinates on confirmation, despite his original lies in court forms that he was the one who wanted plans in advance.

If my exh doesn’t respond I just tell him what dates will be. Put it all in a document and give him a fixed time to respond or I’ll start booking.

I’m a planner, and one of the ways exh was EA in the relationship was refusing to keep to plans and last minute changes etc. “Well now you’ve said that, I’m not going to...” was a frequent retort from him.

I also keep a diary of any problems with the contact - he also knows that I am. Have to keep a strict guard up all the time with him which is exhausting!

I’m not sure what a court can do, as they can’t order that he must have the kids, only when he can iyswim