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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

tto not know how to process derogatory texts DH sent?

44 replies

Yolo89 · 27/01/2020 21:59

Do DH has an alcohol issue. Which he is sort of trying to address. I'd suggest not very hard. He has come home drunk after picking up the children one night and I jad a go at him..Big arguement. Then I find he has written derogatory texts to his mate about me as I told him off for drinking. Saying he couldn't wait to get away from me as he was going to visit a sick relative. He also said I gave him no slack lile je did when my.mum was ill - wtf??? A i got upset as he was drinking to cope. He said a few really hurtful comments. Our relationship os going downhill due to his problem and I am not sure I can cope or forgive these comments..What do I do??

OP posts:

DanielRicciardosSmile · 27/01/2020 23:00

Bluerussian, from the context I would say that's a typo for "gave him no slack, like he did when my mum was ill".

DanielRicciardosSmile · 27/01/2020 23:00

Cross post, sorry OP.

EmNetta · 27/01/2020 23:03

Al-Anon can help - lots of towns have meetings, or go on-line. People there will have lots of experience and will be happy to help (for free). Any friend or relative of an A lcoholic is welcome, first names only.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/01/2020 23:03

Derogatory comments: suggest you don't read his private texts to his mates. Have you never complained about his behaviour to your friends?

Everything else: up to you as to whether you wish to continue the relationship.

Boozeless · 27/01/2020 23:04

My dad was like this too. I am still damaged by his behaviour & mums enablement. She ended up joining him in drinking. My siblings & I were thrown out as rubbish during our early teens. Mum was just as much to blame as he was because she failed to protect us. Don't wait any longer. June 21 is too long. When that is here there will be another excuse as to why you can't leave. Do it now!

Jux · 27/01/2020 23:14

If you told him to go would he? If you can get him out of the house while staying in it yourself, with the children, that would be ideal. He will have to pay towards their upkeep and you could claim WTC or something.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 27/01/2020 23:18

I should look up some women support groups/advice centres/social services and make a plan - If he's going on holiday in may - pack his stuff, change the locks and don't let him back in, Advise the school.
He will fall apart and promise to change - but he won't change, he'll make it your fault.

Mrsmadevans · 27/01/2020 23:27

He will never change, best you LTB OP.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 27/01/2020 23:28

Mere - it was actually my DD that handed me me the phone.

OP posts:

Lanurk · 27/01/2020 23:36

My dad drank. It ended his marriage to my mum. She still put us round to his and he’d take us to the pub. I was 7/8 with a younger brother and sister. I looked after them, changed nappies, made sure everyone got food. I was the one who called my mum in a panic because he collapsed and fitted whilst I was bathing my siblings. I was the one who slapped him awake when a cushion caught fire on the gas fire. I didn’t think we were going to get out alive. He put the phone up out of reach after the last time I’d phoned. The doors were locked and he hid the keys so we were trapped. I sent my siblings upstairs and thankfully I woke him up and he stamped it out. I pretty much refused to go back after that. Didn’t see him again and he died when I was in my early 20’s. My biggest regret? Not being able to tell him he was a pathetic waster.
Massive over share there but my point is, do you want it to get to the stage where your kids actually hate him for how he is? To have that level of resentment festering inside? Because they’ll see. Kids aren’t daft.

Supersimkin2 · 27/01/2020 23:41

Lose the drunk. It's over anyway, you just need to get used to it.

CJsGoldfish · 28/01/2020 00:17

I have got to the point where it is family or alcohol
But I thought you 'couldn't' leave? What is the point of issuing an ultimatum you have no intention of following through on? Surely that does more damage than good when he continues to drink?

My ex-h had an alcoholic father growing up. Of the four siblings not a single one escaped that upbringing without some serious issues.

Think about what YOU are choosing for your children here OP. Don't for a second think that the choices you are making for them, what you are exposing them to and the message you are giving them is not causing damage every single day.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2020 00:25

First off, go to Al-Anon. They are specifically for family of alcoholics and can be an invaluable source of support and knowledge.

I understand wanting to finish Uni, I really do. But you have to balance that against the damage he may be doing your children. And don't believe for one second that you can hide his drinking from them or mitigate his behaviour.

As far as him going away with his mate, honestly, as long as you can afford it I'd fucking encourage him to be gone as much as possible. You said yourself that the house was so peaceful without him in it. And I daresay he's probably all not that much of a help around the house (compared to the heartache he causes you).

he was drinking whilst looking for a job (in a pub)

Am I correct in assuming that he's not working? If he isn't, what have you got to lose by kicking him out?

MyuMe · 28/01/2020 06:55

Do you mind me asking what happens if they have to give up booze against their will?

Friend of mine had a health saver with drinking. Had been told to stop or they'll die. They have done it.

Does it take the mental state a while to recover or does it bring up other problems.

LakieLady · 28/01/2020 07:44

If uni finishes in June, could you hang on until then and then ask him to move out?

UC would cover your costs until you get a job, and be top up your pay afterwards, if you're not earning a lot.

He's neither use nor ornament while he's drinking.

Original poster

Yolo89 · 28/01/2020 07:56

Lanurl thanks for sharing..I'm sorry you went through that - it sounds traumatic.

My situation is not like this in that DH is drinnking not to that amount but a few pints and I can tell. It makes him.angry, affects his moods and he is on anti depressants at the moment. Alcohol cancels the affects.

I am just so emotionally drained by the depression and alcohol and him.saying i dont support him as i am.angry about tye drinking.

My ultimatum.gives him.time to make a choice. As in, he needs time to make this right. I cant put up with this but I cant just walk.away without trying or letting him.try.

DH contracts so sometimes has time between contracts. About to start another i hope in.a week.

OP posts:

AuntyElle · 28/01/2020 08:04

If the school see that he is inebriated they are obliged not to let him take the kids. It’s that serious.

longwayoff · 28/01/2020 08:11

YABU to try to reason with a drunk. Plan a life without him and do it.

Cambionome · 28/01/2020 08:15

Get rid. I'm sorry, I know that doesn't sound helpful but there is no other way here. He won't listen.

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