AIBU to ask what to do about DD's mean friend?

[GrahamNortonsjacket]

DD is almost 8 and has been best friends with "Daisy" for about a year. DD loves Daisy, loves going for playdates and up until recently was so happy to have a best friend.

However, recently since going into year 3, Daisy has started being mean to DD. Not all the time, but occasionally. Some examples: she told her "You're nothing" which pretty much broke DD's heart; today she told her when DD was scared on some apparatus in the playground that she couldn't be friends with her if she didn't do what she was doing.

There is another girl who seems to be trying to get Daisy to gang up with her against DD and has been picking on her separately as well - things like getting her excluded from their group in PE, or not allowing her to play with them at break time. This other girl has also been physically rough with DD, pushing her into deep puddles at playtime so she had to walk around in wet tights for the rest of the day.

DD is sweet and quite quiet and never answers back when horrible things are said to her, which I guess makes her an easy target for these more dominant personalities. She has other friends, but loves Daisy.

I know Daisy's mum pretty well, but really don't know what to do. It's only been a handful of times that anything has happened with Daisy (more things have happened with the other girl) - so I'm not sure telling Daisy's mum would help. I feel like I need to arm DD with the confidence to push back a bit on these two girls, but I don't know how to do that? Do any of you have any ideas?

I have spoken to DD's teacher about the incidents with the other girl and she was spoken to, but it doesn't seem to have made much difference.

This is the one time being a helicopter dm comes into play.
Invite her over for tea.
Activity in the kitchen while you are also busy.
Call her out on every single nasty thing she does /says to dd..smiling all the while of course.
Oh Daisy that's not very kind...
Oh Daisy we don't do /say that in our house..
Oh Daisy if you aren't having fun I can ring your dm to take you home..
She wants the upper hand where your dd is concerned. Take it away from her.
Also on home turf your dd may feel confident enough to stand up for herself..
In my vast experience...
*dealt with many awful bloody kids this way.

Sorry this is happening to your DD, OP. Aside from building up her confidence at home, IME you need to keep on (and on!) at the school: they have a duty to keep her safe and they need to take this bullying seriously. Speak to the teacher again, then ask for a meeting with the head if things don’t improve. Do not be afraid to be That Parent!

why Daisy has only been mean a handful of times, would be unlikely to do it here I think. Though I am asking her over shortly and will be keeping a very close eye...

I am inviting friends other than Daisy round to help DD make other close friends too.

My dd is also In year 3, 8 years old
In May. I've noticed that her and her friends have gone awful bitchy. One day they are friends and the next not ,it's endless. I agree with pp that inviting them over for tea and subtly reinforcing to both of them that they should protect and be kind to one another ( not in a telling off way ) just reminding them what friendship is and encouraging nice behaviour.

Sounds horrible for your DD.
Unfortunately though, there is a 'daisy' in most young girls lives, probably into adulthood too. Some may disagree with me, but I would argue that the best thing you can do, rather than correcting daisy's behaviour, it to primarily focus on equipping your daughter for what to do/say when daisy behaves like that. When she moves into secondary school (it will fly by!!) there will be 10x the amount of daisy's, making comments and being bitchy, it's how you teach your daughter to handle it and respect herself that is make or break. People say shitty things and we have to learn to respect ourselves and move on from them until they can treat us respectfully, role play it through with her even using toys or books as a talking point. Not to sound blunt, but what message does it send to your child/skill does it teach her if you try and fix it, when daisy could well just carry on being this way regardless? How will DD feel then?
Remind her that she is in control, and it's her choice to be friends with/play with daisy. Really there probably isn't much that school an do other than speak with daisy's parents, who will probably be annoyed at you and the teacher rather than addressing their own child's behaviour. Likewise, it will probably make things awkward for you and her on the playground and you still likely have 3+ years of pickups and bumping into the family. Bare in mind also (although definitely no excuse) something could be going on with daisy if this is all out of the blue, or going on with her Mum.

Goodluck OP!

@Pestopastamad - you're totally right of course. She needs to learn how to deal with it herself. I won't always be there. If she manages to deal with this, it will give her confidence to do so in the future.

Thank you - really good advice.

I think it's a year 3 thing. My daughter ended up playing football with the boys at playtime for the majority of the year. She couldn't be bothered with the drama! Year 4 she was back playing with the girls again though she did moan that some of the girls made up clubs that had stupid rules.

I also think it's a Y3 thing. At the risk of stereotyping girls do seem to go through a bitchy stage at this age. My DD has had very much the same - a beloved friend making little remarks and belittling her and she's a sensitive little thing. She plays with the boys mostly now and fairs much better!

Daisy lived next door too us for a while, she was awful to Dd. Encourage your Dd to make other friends and start inviting them to play dates and encourage her to play with lots of others at school.
Ds came across a boy who tried this kind of thing in the playground, they loved playing and I became good friends with the Mum and Dad. I used to tell Ds to tell his boy daisy that he was going off to play x and just go. The first time friend didn't follow and was annoyed Ds didn't do as he'd told him to. Then he got the message and the friendship seemed to even out. We did the role play thing too, I was Ds and he was friend.

We went through this too. I encouraged DD to have lots of friends and to do various different activities and clubs. Then when others were being mean to her at school, I reminded her that she had lots of friends and if some of them weren't being nice to her then they weren't worth being friends with whilst they were being like that and she should go and play with someone else. It seemed to work quite well for her.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Horrible that it's so common!