To ask if you've ever felt like your (young) DC really doesn't like you?

[AllesAusLiebe]

Hi everyone,

A little context here first. DS is 16 months old. I had postnatal depression and therefore relied on DH and family to help me out an awful lot in the early days and up until quite recently. I'm not a natural when it comes to being a mother and I've found it all really tough.

DS expresses a strong preference for DH, and that's fine. What I really can't deal with is that he also expresses a preference for anyone else who isn't me. He doesn't care if I'm around or not, will go to anyone but me if given the choice. He even gets upset when he's left alone with me. It's heartbreaking and really getting me down.

I often think that everything would be better if I just left for good. He wouldn't notice and I wouldn't have the daily rejection.

I feel so horribly guilty that our relationship is so bad and I think that me having pnd has had a terrible affect on our bond.

Has anyone else been here? How did you get through it?

I've tried spending more time with him, tried to relax, gave more hugs and more physical contact, but nothing seems to make any difference. DH is very supportive and we even switched roles for a while so I did the fun stuff like bath time etc, but it's almost like he just doesn't want me to be his mum.

If anyone can help, I'd be so grateful. I'm feeling very sad and despondent about everything at the moment.

My DS went through this at a similar age, and I was a SAHM. It was a horrible phase - I remember crying myself to sleep - but it was just a phase. I spoke to the HV and she said it was reasonably common. It passed and he is 7 and loves me to bits now .

My DD was also much more interested in other people, from even younger than 16 months. I also struggled and didn’t feel like a ‘natural Mum’. Now at 5 she is a very confident and outgoing child who will start chatting to anyone given half a chance. She does love me to bits despite having called me the worst mummy in the world on several occasions! You may just have a sociable little person who loves the novelty of someone new appearing.
Sorry to hear you suffered pnd - well done for getting the help you needed. Things wouldn’t be better if you left for good so please don’t think that. You and your son will find your own way together over time as you get to know each other more, even if it feels tough now.

I think this is actually really common. My dd2 has always been all for me but my dd1 went through a stage where she didn't seem to like me much.
It actually lasted quite a while and it was all about daddy. She didn't want me at all!

I too felt heartbroken by her rejections on a daily basis.
She is 4 now and definitely has grown out of it!

I read something that says kids are always more hard work for their mums because they know they can always rely on us to be there for them, with other people they think they have to work for their affections... That helped me get through the rough times a little

It's a phase though.... It will come to an end!

My son has cried a few times when I picked him up from nursery saying he wanted his dad or grandmother. It hurts but I know he still loves me but maybe not as much as his dad but I think with children, one of most important things is to love them and maybe give them the freedom to love whoever they want best and it may not always be you. You have to fulfil their emotional needs and not the other way round. Also your child may act like she dislikes you because deep down she is secure you will love her back. Don t be disheartened. It’s a phase.

My DS1 went through that phase at about 16 months or so. He grew out of it before too long, but it really wasn't nice while it lasted & I found it upsetting. It's just a phase, keep telling yourself that

Please don t let it get you down. I think it s very natural for children to prefer one parent for no particular reason and Babies and children actually tend to sometimes cry more with their mum. Does not mean he does not love you more that he is free to show emotion. You may be misinterpreting his tears.

My twins went through this DS first at roughly 18mo and DD at about 15mo.

My mum just said to me (rather jokingly but pointed at the same time) “why do you think Mum’s say they’re always taken for granted?”. After discussing it she meant that when they’re very small, children don’t have an idea that their mind that you could leave them as you’re their Mum and your presence is so linked to theirs they haven’t yet fully figured out that you’re separate entities (if that makes sense?). Whereas with others they come and go (DH to and from work for me) and GP’s visiting as and when, so the child displays more overt attention for them? It could be a load of nonsense but it made me feel better and there are some bits online that sort of back this theory.

DD was all about her Dad until the last couple of months and now she’s actively blanking him in favour of me (twins are 2yo now) so I guess it’s normal from a developmental perspective.

Your DS does love you, you’re his mummy and whils I understand your fear about late bonding (my twins were in NICU for four months and it took a long time after getting them home for me to relax enough to form a meaningful bond as far as I felt) I doubt it’s anything to do with that from your DS’ perspective. Chin up OP, this too shall pass

That was meant to be DS at 15mo and DD at 18mo - my brain is not awake

Me OP!
All the advice I read said one thing... it’s precisely because your child is so attached to you that they behave like this. They have 100% confidence that you won’t leave them. Whereas with others, they’re not so sure and need to work on those bonds. It’s a nice little prize for us for being such good mums!

Thanks so much for the replies everyone - I really appreciate it.

I didn't think that this was as common as it appears to be. I think I'd understand it more if it was a straightforward preference for DH (to be honest, that would be lovely to see), but it seems to be anyone who isn't me.

I worry about how much of a connection we've actually been able to develop as a result of my pnd. Sometimes I'd just keep out of the way completely and other times I'd be really hands on, so I guess I've been worried that this has left DS very confused and unable to trust me.

Reading the replies, though, I really hope he's doing this because he feels secure in our relationship.

Try not to worry OP, I'd bet my house this time next year you'll be feeling wistful for the days when he preferred other people

My first DD went through a stage where I was convinced she didn't like me. She's now three and a complete mummy's girl and won't let anyone else do anything for her - it's exhausting! Your DS is still tiny, just keep doing your best and things will come good.

It wouldn't be easier if you left as your DS would miss you terribly

If it helps I felt like this for such a long time too OP, it sometimes slips back into my head even though mine are already 2yo.

It’s hard to go through, my DS and DD are a very late developers due to being a very low birthweight and premature by two months. I didn’t start getting real smiles and eye contact from DS until he was 1.5yo, he is currently under early assessment for ASD but I didn’t know it back then so just felt like I was just another nurse to him because he’d had so many different nurses looking after him in NICU. It does get better over time, my twins still act all sweetness and light for anybody but me, I get the meltdowns and defiance () but I know that’s because they feel safest with me and so push their boundaries more because they know Mummy isn’t going anywhere and that’s about all I tell myself to try and beat the negative thoughts - sorry for the ramble

You're DS's anchor. He knows you're there for him and it allows him to make connections with others. Children save their worst behaviour for those they feel safest with.

You've also got plenty of time to foster a relationship with him on a 1:1, you won't feel like this forever.

I had PND too, and my (now) 3 year old was a massive daddy’s boy from around 1-3 years old. I didn’t mind the preference, but like you it was upsetting when he’d reject me by crying when I showed up instead of Dad etc. I do think there’s a bit of safe space being both parents and therefore if he was tired or hungry particularly, his challenging behaviour would be both with me and my husband, but then it would balance out for my husband because he would get the super loving times too. I went to some counselling sessions and it was very helpful. I think I was pulling back because I knew that every time I offered to do something he’d reject me again. At the suggestion of the counsellor, we were to pick a couple of things that Dad “couldn’t” do, only mum was able to do. It was a new set of books for us that he liked and then some exciting things like a little walk to the corner shop for a magazine or something, but actually pretty soon (in a couple of weeks) I felt like the issue was much less of a problem than it had been. Once I started feeling like it was resolving a bit, it snowballed in a good way because I was more relaxed and emotionally open to trying I think, when I knew it wasn’t always rejection. I was worried that because of the pnd I had damaged our bonding or something, but I don’t think it has at all. I recommend both trying that trick but also the bit of counselling, I wish I had talked it through with someone a while ago!