help- desperately unhappy child post EA split

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Desperate for advice about year 7 son, context is his (now ex-partner) DF left the family home and country a few weeks ago at my instigation. He was very EA (for many years) and once SS were involved it all got a crazy, and we split. Which was very fraught.

I anticipated issues, but not this much. His sibling is fine (ish), but his behaviours include

He is unhappy, and desperately misses his dad, and isn’t coping in a healthy way
Aggression and anger, which means he does get his own way (ashamed to say but his behaviour triggers me as like his dad) so I back down, or get angry back (which I hate myself for)
Screen addicted, would play games all day if he could
Fast and concerning weight gain
Sports refusal as has a leg pain (which is getting treated by physio)
He has counselling, but not sure how its going as they wont talk with me due to patient confidentiality (so not support in working through issues), so I am looking for a new one
Says homework done, but suspect it isn’t
Having meltdowns to ridiculously late hours, and preventing me, his sibling and himself for sleeping
Sugar addiction
School refusal as “sick” but really he is overtried and emotionally exhausted
And there is more!
School is fine, he is not getting bullied, that much I do know and he likes it overall

I suspect much of the issue is I am having my own anxiety issues, and as I get so triggered by his and his sibling aggression my “rules” fall aside

Has anyone been though this? Any advice? I cant see the wood fore the trees and I am so fucking worried I am failing him miserably

He's 7 so there are things you can control here, but explain to him clearly why.
He's so young that you can help him and turn this around, he's upset and confused and angry but you need to help him manage his emotions.
The counselling HAS to be confidential, he has to feel that he can say anything including his feeling towards you ( which may be hard for you to hear at the moment)

Ban screens, for now. He earns time back with good behaviour. Our 7 & 9 year old are only allowed video games on Fri after school, or weekends. Time is limited to a max 1.30 a day. If they refuse do do anything that screen time is the first thing to go. Do not let him have free access to a device anyway - he's too young.

Sugar - he's not doing the shop, so don't buy sweet treats or juices, drinks. Limit pudding. Don't keep that stuff in the house - this will help with both weight and moods. Drinks are water or milk only.

Get him outside - he doesn't have to do sport but getting outside, park after school, walks etc. will really help his moods and weight. Kids needs exercise.

Homework - my kids wouldn't do it either if they could get away with it,
At 7 he prob needs help with it.
Have him do it in kitchen or somewhere where you are, check what he needs to do, help him if he needs help, check it is done afterwards.

In our hse homework or chores are done first, then if it's all okay they can have a bit of telly or whatever.

Give him a bed time and stick to it. He might rage but at 7 it should be 7.30pm prob and he goes to his room at that time and stays in his room til 7am. Enforce this because sleep is so important. Start a star chart - for bedtime and homework. Maybe that's how he could earn his screen time?
If he's got nothing to do - no telly, no screens, then he will get bored and go to sleep.

Talk to him if he'll let you. Let him express how he misses his dad. Tell him you love him.
But you're letting him rule the roost at the moment, you have to parent him. I know its tough, esp on your own. Good luck OP.

he is year 7 (nearly 12) , not aged 7! but I get the gist and appreciate your wise words. I am so scared right now it wont get better

Ah! Sorry read that wrong! I realise that it's a ton of stuff too so personally with a 12 year old I would start with bedtime enforcement and screen time enforcement. No phone in the bedroom at night etc.
And checking what homework needs doing, and that it's done.
Sugars more of an issue when they can go buy their own crap, but keeping it to a minimum at home, and limiting pocket money that will be used on sugary crap.
Hopefully the counselling will start to help too...

You need behavioural support and intervention who will work with you to support him. Probably family therapy too. The counsellor is fine as far as that goes, but it’s only one aspect; it isn’t a magic bullet, doesn’t cover everything you need, and is only targeted at one area - you need a team approach to support him and you.

Thanks, when his 1:1 ends I will get family counselling, finding the time is so hard as work FT and , I KNOW THIS IS PRIORITY

by that i mean finding someone that will have times and schedule that fit, and that are right for us

You are telling me what I know, I need to woman up, take their anger, meltdowns, and rage but put rules in place, and be way stricter

I don't know what's stopping me really, something is preventing me from being stricter and more rules focussed. I think to be honest I am still very fucked up after years of EA, so I avoid getting their rage directed at me. But its a false economy isn't it

School are aware? It would be helpful for you to know how he's doing, what homework he has ( ours is on the school website) and for them to know that he needs some support.

Yeah, false economy. He needs to be held to account for tempers and rages, and NOT to get his own way because of them ( I have a ragey nearly 10 year old - we use mainly positive re-enforcement with him but we also give him consequences) because he'll carry that through to adulthood if it works now... Being sent to his room, without phone/device to cool down helps, it defuses the immediate tension for both of you. Leave it for 15 mins or so then go and talk to him.

I have done A lot of thinking today

My parenting has been super weak as
(A) was so stressed after split
(B) I literally cannot cope with his rages

But he is a good boy at heart , his sibling is
Massively suffering too , and I am
Doing them NO favours right now

Wish
Me
Luck !
Thanks
For posts , you told me what I know but needed to hear