Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Save the date vs wedding invite etiquette

21 replies

harriethoyle · 26/01/2020 17:23

So... we had a save the date last year for a colleague of DP, getting married this summer. Nice chap and would be fun. Had thanked them for it and said yes please, how lovely. No invite thus far.

At Christmas, one of my loveliest friends got engaged... and has set wedding for the same day!

Bearing in mind we haven't had an invite for wedding #1, are we ok to go to wedding #2 and just send #1 apologies, a card and present or is that the height of rudeness!

YABU - stick with wedding #1
YANBU - go to wedding #2

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/01/2020 17:25

Do you know if the invitation for wedding #1 is likely to be for the whole day, or just evening?
If it's likely to be evening only, and wedding #2 is whole day, I'd go with #2.

Doobigetta · 26/01/2020 17:27

I’d say as you haven’t been sent a formal invitation yet, it’s ok to pick the one you want to go to, and decline the other. Or you and your husband could go to one each?

ChristmasSweet · 26/01/2020 17:27

Have you had an invite to wedding 2 yet or just assuming?

Janaih · 26/01/2020 17:29

Save the date is a heads up, not an invitation and you don't need to respond to it.
Nobody will mind you declining an invitation as long as you do so as soon as possible after receiving an invitation. I would send a card and a small gift though.

CareBear50 · 26/01/2020 17:30

Which wedding would you ideally prefer to go to??

This is a tricky one.

I once got a save the date for a wedding, but when invites got sent out I got no invite

He did explain to me...v sorry...but when we did the formal invites I realised we'd told too many people to save the date. Tbh I was perfectly fine about it as I know people sometimes get carried away initially

So I think you can choose to go to whatever one you prefer. If you do get a formal invite to first I'd send my apologies and explain why

billy1966 · 26/01/2020 17:33

Absolutely not a problem. Save the date is a provisional heads up.
You most certainly do not have to attend.

Go to your preferred wedding.

hairyxmasturkey · 26/01/2020 17:42

You don't have to reply to a save the date. So when you get the invite for wedding one, you decline. When you get the invite for wedding two (your friend) you accept. Simple!

Original poster
harriethoyle · 26/01/2020 18:04

Good. We both really want to go to wedding 2! So am relieved consensus is that that's ok...

OP posts:
greenlavender · 26/01/2020 18:05

It's too early for an invite though isn't? Six weeks is etiquette.

SparkyBlue · 26/01/2020 18:17

Go to wedding no 2 as it's a friend. Your husbands colleague honestly won't mind as you will be able to let them know you can't attend as soon as you get the official invite. It honestly won't be an issue at all. Unfortunately these things happen.

user1493413286 · 26/01/2020 18:18

If you haven’t RSVPd then you can go to whichever wedding you want

seven201 · 26/01/2020 18:21

I think the problem is you said yes to the save the date. If it were me I'd upgrade the relationship to wedding 2 to make it less rude. So maybe it's a cousin that's getting married instead of just a friend. It's probably better to not lie and just be honest though!

Spied · 26/01/2020 18:26

Well, as you've gushed "yes please, how lovely" I really don't think it would be very nice to drop couple 1 for a better offer.
Sorry.

Original poster
harriethoyle · 26/01/2020 18:42

Yes @seven201 and @spied that's exactly why I feel like it's a bit rude. Excellent idea re upgrading friend to cousin Grin we share no social media with wedding 1 so would get away with it 🙈

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 26/01/2020 18:46

Your mistake is to reply to a save the date card. That is just a notification which doesn't need a reply. I would accept the one you have the invitation for and then decline the other once you get another invitation.

CalmdownJanet · 26/01/2020 18:47

I said yabu but only because you said "yes please, how lovely", I think you should probably stick with the first one, but then I think what would I do if it was one of my close friends and I think yanbu, so I am staying uselessly on the fence

Original poster
harriethoyle · 26/01/2020 19:05

Grin @calmdownjanet

OP posts:
Punkyfish3000 · 26/01/2020 19:19

Maybe you and your DP could go to one wedding each - DP to his colleague’s wedding and you to your friend’s wedding?

Inertia · 26/01/2020 19:25

You could proceed on the basis that you hadn't received an invitation, and diplomacy prevented you from mentioning anything in case they'd had to scale the wedding down since sending out save the date cards. In the meantime, you'd received another invitation which you've accepted since you hadn't yet had another invitation.

Original poster
harriethoyle · 26/01/2020 20:05

@Punkyfish3000 DP is as keen as me to go to my friends wedding which will be an absolute cracker and only an hour away from as opposed to the other one which is 5 hours..!

OP posts:
Original poster
harriethoyle · 26/01/2020 20:05

Yes @Inertia. That's a good way of putting it. And a nice bottle of champagne should soothe any ruffled feathers... Wine

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread