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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH and DS1 at home and take DS2 on holiday?

26 replies

Strugglingtodomybest · 26/01/2020 11:43

I'm planning our summer holiday and I thought that Vietnam would be interesting and fun for two weeks. Our family consists of myself, DH, DS1 (15) and DS2 (13, would turn 14 during the holiday).

Over the years it has become apparent that DS1 and me love travel and adventure, whilst DH and DS1 don't, in fact DS1 has said that he'd rather stay at home. DH said he's happy to go if it makes me happy.

So would IBU to leave them and just take DS2?

I should point out that DH has told me what his ideal holiday is and I've told him that if he arranges it then I'm happy to go on that too. DS1 just doesn't want to go anywhere.

I'm struggling with this as I've always thought of the summer holiday as being a time for a family holiday.

OP posts:
MoonlightBonnet · 26/01/2020 11:44

What’s your DH’s ideal holiday? Is it something DS1 would also want to do?

Original poster
Strugglingtodomybest · 26/01/2020 11:52

MoonlightBonnet, no, DS1 would hate it, it's specific to DH's hobby (and no, I'm not telling what it is, but it's not golf or cycling Grin).

OP posts:
BBBear · 26/01/2020 11:53

Of course you can go with just one child, if as you say the other really isn’t interested. Same for your husband not going.

We regularly have weekends away away that are mummy and daughter time or daddy and daughter time (usually trips into London) but this year DD2 (8) has asked that I take her abroad somewhere that she is interested in. DH would also like to go to the destination but is happy for DD and I to have a holiday together - he and DD1 will probably go somewhere at the same time.

Sirzy · 26/01/2020 11:57

Can you avoid being away over his birthday? That’s the only part which would put me off doing it.

Otherwise if everyone else is happy and those who want a holiday get one I see no issue, can your DH book for his desired holiday (with or without a combination of the rest of you) too?

Northernsoullover · 26/01/2020 11:59

I left my just turned 16 year old at home last year with my mum and it broke my heart. My 16 year old on the other hand was absolutely delighted and the younger and I did have a fab holiday.

RedskyAtnight · 26/01/2020 12:00

Will this be your only family holiday of the year if you go?
or could you literally go on separate holidays with each individual family member

I think if it is your only holiday, then it's a bit mean to pick something that only 2 of you want to go on. I'm in a family with a similar makeup and we try to pick holidays that involve a range of things so that there is something to suit everyone (and yes, that means everyone also has to do things they wouldn't have chosen). Can you maybe look at a holiday that's a bit more like that?

MiniMum97 · 26/01/2020 12:33

I would go. Vietnam is amazing. You will both love it. No point paying for two people who don't want yo yo it's an expensive holiday. My DH has just been snowboarding on his own as I can't/don't want to go.

MiniMum97 · 26/01/2020 12:33

Make sure you go to Hoi An.

Fidgety31 · 26/01/2020 12:48

I regularly take my kids on separate holidays . It is so much more peaceful !

follygirl · 26/01/2020 12:52

I went to Thailand with my dd who was 15 and timed it so that my ds was on a school trip at the same time.
My daughter and I worked at an elephant sanctuary (she wants to be a vet). My ds was too young to be there as a volunteer and anyway it's not his thing. He was happy going to France with school and we had a great time.
To be fair we then had a family holiday together afterwards so it's not as if we didn't spend time together.

Barbie222 · 26/01/2020 12:56

That's a big expense. Will the other half of the family have a similar amount of money to play with? If they do I'm in awe of your holiday budget. If not it's a bit unfair.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 26/01/2020 13:05

Depends as others have said whether or not it is the money for your entire family holiday. If you can afford both and you are happy to holiday separately or have someone to leave eldest with if you and DS2 end up having 2 holidays then fine otherwise no.

Jaxhog · 26/01/2020 13:18

Do it! If everyone is happy with you going, why not?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 26/01/2020 13:21

Would your eldest son like anything else eg does he like theme parks or activities in the UK? If so I would compromise and do one week with your other son somewhere and one week at home doing lots of activities and family day out. It's nice to spend time as a family but not at the expense of half the family being miserable because they hate holidays

ParsnipToast · 26/01/2020 13:22

We do separate holidays due to two autistic kids with different needs. It keeps everyone happy rather than only one or two people happy.

20CMB20 · 26/01/2020 13:29

My Dad was a keen traveller, and so was my younger sister. He used to take her on travels in the school holidays, and I stayed at home with our DM (who isn't bothered about travelling, and preferred to stay at home with the dogs and ponies). I used to love my time at home just with her, and DSis loved travelling around with DF. It's a win-win.

We also did other stuff as a family, but it was mostly just family meals, walks etc - these were the days pre-adventure playgrounds, Sunday opening etc, so there wasn't much to do!

20CMB20 · 26/01/2020 13:32

BTW, it never remotely crossed my mind that DSis was having more money spent on her. I was just happy with what I was doing (I'd have been miserable and anxious about going far from home. If I had to quantify it now, I'd say that the time I spent with DM just pottering and dog walking and pony riding and playing Scrabble was, to me, worth any number of thousands of pounds that could have been spent on going away).

Original poster
Strugglingtodomybest · 26/01/2020 13:55

Thanks for all the replies, I'll be back later to answer questions but I have to go out now.

OP posts:
TARSCOUT · 26/01/2020 14:08

Hey, if 2 want to go and 2 want to stay home no issue. I think its fab that everyone gets their own space and all are happy and confident enough to be clear about what they want.

Serin · 26/01/2020 14:48

You do what works for you.
We often go away in random combinations, depending on who has time off or commitments to other events.

ParsnipToast · 26/01/2020 15:47

I'd say as well that both of mine really benefit from that 1:1 time with a parent. It's such a different dynamic and helps build a brilliant bond. Ours is born out of necessity but I'd always intended to do it as a friend used to with her sons and I'd noticed how close she was with them. It's great to do for days out too, ours love their mummy/daddy days (depending which one of us is taking them).

KurriKurri · 26/01/2020 16:11

I don't think it's a problem - I've taken one of my children away and left the other (older didn;t want to come - would rather spend summer with his mates - which is fine)My H also never wanted to come on holidays so I used to take the children on caravan holidays without him when they were little. I don't think people who like to holiday should go without because otheers don't like it.

But I would have a look round with your DS1 to see if there's anything he'd like to do in the holidays - an actvity or a course to do with his hobbies or something he'd like to visit in this country, so he has some time and money for the things he likes too.

Original poster
Strugglingtodomybest · 26/01/2020 22:38

Oh wow, thanks everyone, I feel much better about the decision now.

As far as DS1 goes, he doesn't want to do anything, he wants to stay at home. I offered that he could pick where he wanted to go (as I've already said yes to DS2 about going to Australia next year - and yes, we have a big holiday budget because that's just about all I spend money on, and DH only spends on his (expensive) hobby).

So I don't think the money side of things would bother him so long as he was getting what he wanted.

I actually offered that we go to Alton towers at half term, but DS1 wasn't interested in that either. I did take them both to WalkerStalker Con in London last year at his request, and took their friend too. It was great fun and I've offered to do it again this year. He said maybe.

We can also afford for DH to go on his holiday too. God we sound loaded! You certainly wouldn't think so to look at us!

OP posts:
Nomel · 27/01/2020 01:21

What does your son like to do at home? Game?

Comeonbabyyay · 27/01/2020 01:29

My parents used to do this all the time
I went on many holidays with just dad and a sibling or two whilst the rest of the family stayed at home and other times I stayed and they went.
My mum wouldn’t have liked going alone or abroad on her own but my dad was quite adventurous and we always did this. It was lovely to bond as a smaller group too