Upset about housework

[UndertheCedartree]

I'm having a very down day today triggered by having little sleep last night. I am just so fed up with my house. It is a tip. My children are under Social Services atm as I'm not very well mentally and in hospital during the week. Social Services say the house is fine and I need to lower my standards. Most of the week the children stay at my/our house with my exDH. He doesn't do much housework and mainly only tidies up on the day I come home. Social services think he is doing fine/full of praise. I struggle to get on top of everything at the weekend as the house is now so disorganised and untidy it is hard to get on top of all the cleaning/tidying up. I am also tired from a week in hospital/therapy etc and generally need quite a lot of sleep/rest. I do lack motivation at times too when really struggling. For example so far this weekend all I've managed is cooking dinner on Friday night, emptying dishwasher and putting dinner stuff in it and did washing up. I tidyed and cleaned the coffee table and tidyed the throws/cushions on the sofas. Today I have taken laundry off the airer and folded/put away, put a load of laundrey on and hung it up. Sorted some homework stuff for kids. Put breakfast stuff in dishwasher and wiped down the sides in kitchen and tidyed the bathroom. The DC went out with their dad for lunch.

Would anyone mind if I describe my house can you tell me if you think it is too dirty/untidy or if it sounds not great but passable? I was brought up in an immaculate perfectionist house so really struggle to know what is normal.

Job wise what you've done sounds absolutely fine. I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. If the SS team have said there's no concerns then hopefully that will ease some of your worries.

It sounds like you are doing a great job with what you are going through. Well done for finding the motivation to get the jobs done, but if for your recovery you need rest, then make sure you are getting plenty sleep to prepare for your week ahead.
the housework can always wait. There’s no point running yourself ragged trying to get it all done at the expense of your recovery,

Stop worrying about your house.

How old are your children.

Can you play a game / do an activity with your children instead?

If even social services are saying it's fine I think you really need to let it go.
Do what you can when you're home but most importantly enjoy time with your children and get some rest.

I was brought up in an immaculate perfectionist house

Was that accompanied with other dysfunction, e.g. punishments for not meeting excessive standards, not being allowed to do things in case you caused mess, judgement/criticism if you didn't achieve perfection...?

You don't need to post your answer, I just wondered as you sound so very anxious and almost as if you feel unsafe or that some kind of "punishment" awaits you if your house isn't at an unrealistic standard?

If there is something like that at the root of this it might help you with rationalising your new "normal" standard to remind yourself where the feelings are coming from?

@user77 - yes, very much so! I try to tell myself it is fine and of course I want to spend the time with my children not doing housework...but my brain says no it's not fine! It's an absolute pig sty! Very much my parents' voices. Stop being so slovenly and get on with it. But then I feel so overwhelmed with it.

@HaveeeeYouMetTed - I worry that SS say it is fine but are secretly judging! I know that sounds crazy.
@IShineAShoe - thank you
@DecemberSnow - my DC are 12 and 7. I do things with them too.

@UndertheCedartree if SS did think it was an issue, they would be sure to tell you.
Nobody lives in a show home. Considering your circumstances, I don't think anyone would expect your home to look as such either. I'm a healthy mum to a three year old, I've been at home all day & you've done more than me! Please don't beat yourself up. Continue as you are & I wish you well for your recovery

Thank you so much @HaveeeYouMetTed

Mess is difficult for a lot of people to ignore, it makes your brain feel stressed as it diesnt look nice and calm and you just see all the jobs that need doing. But that doesnt mean it is actually doing any harm. It doesnt hurt people to wash clothes a bit less often. I get ill and have to prioritise. I do it in the order of -
Is everyone safe, eg if there is a spill or something to trip on at the top of the stairs I will clean up
Is everyone fed and has somewhere to sleep
Is everything hygienic- eg crockery clean

Being safe is the priority and everything else is a nice to have - it wont harm everyone to have toys out, or to have a messy room, or to wear the same clothes for a few days, or crumpled bedding etc. Most kids would rather have a mum that's well and happy than a pristine house.

It sounds like you have done loads.

If housework is a major stressor for you is there any way for you to get a cleaner, even if just for a couple of hours a week? I know it sounds like a luxury but if you are struggling with your mental health it sounds like a good use of your finances if there’s a way to stretch to it.

I really do feel for you. I’m in the middle of a really busy period and I balled my eyes out because DHs sister had gone into my bedroom and even though she just laughed when I stressed about the mess I was genuinely devastated.
It sounds like you’re doing really well under really difficult circumstances. Try and be kind to yourself OP. SS would tell you if your house was bad.

@MyNewBearTotoro - I would really love to do that. Currently my outgoings are more than my income. If UC and PIP get sorted then it is a possibility.
@Chocolateandchats - I completely understand where you are coming from!

Thanks for all the kind comments, all