To ask about grandparental love

[partofyoupoursoutofme]

I have never felt loved by my parents, and find it impossible to understand how they can feel proper love for my children. I experience their love as ownership or possession or something like that and feel very protective of my children when around them. My dh has a more usual relationship with his parents and it really seems to me that they love my children. However I don't really get the automatic bond they feel just because they are related! I see that it's natural, and I want to have a better understanding of what it feels like, so I can relax and trust them more. If you are a grandparent can you try and explain your feelings about your grandchildren?
If it's relevant I love my children and my dh fiercely and never had any problems with bonding.

I get you. My mum always treated me as a possession- 'she is my daughter' and assumed I would like the same as her! She saw me as an extension of herself. Does that sound familiar?

I too find the in laws different, thankfully. It can seem new can't it?
I have older children now. I just took it gently, spent some time at family occasions with both the in laws and DC together. Just saw how it goes and observed, really. Hope it goes well

And yes I do think they need to build up a relationship even though they are related. Some can just assume there is a bond there.

@orangeblossom78 yes my mother in particular thought (probably still thinks) that I am her. It's impossible to feel love when you are an extention of someone rather than a person in your own right isn't it!

I felt it with my neice. The moment I met her I knew she was one of ours and I loved her. Not the same as with my children obviously but once my kids have everything they need tootsie is the next person on the list to get spoilt

partofyoupoursoutofme Yes it was difficult when I first had my DS - she thought I should do everything the way she did it- told me off for feeding in public etc, it made things worse. I have stepped back and after years have gone NC (not just for that but for some other reasons as well)

But the in laws have been fine. they haven't told me what to do with he DC, or badgered for overnights / time alone (except to help me as they got older so DH and I could have some time out). Hopefully yours will be the same.

I'm a grandparent to a 7 year old who I see daily and it doesn't feel anything like being a parent. I don't have that lioness feeling I had with my own children (that wish to fight the world on their behalf and feeling all their hurts viscerally) but I do delight in his company and enjoy him in a way that having more time, patience and being more content with life allows. I'm his only grandma so I feel a bit like an understudy to his mum really.

It's definitely not the same as how you feel towards your own child but I think the love can be pretty automatic with any child you are close to. I felt it pretty instantly with two close friends babies - my best friend of 20+ years and close friends of 10+ years and I've gone on to be that baby's Godmother. So I can understand that instant rush with Grandparents too. How it manifests will very much depend on the individuals though.

My mom says it's even better then parental love, she says she feels all the love she has for us, but none of the worry about development, or raising them, or money or achievement or anything. She just feels their triumphs and injustices like she's their friend. She also gets to do all the nice things.
There's obviously a closer bond and protectiveness that comes with being a parent. But for the moment if he misbehaves in the playground she's able to give out to him and move on instead of worrying he'll turn into a delinquent.

OP, I understand what you are saying about not feeling loved by your parents and struggling to piece this together in your mind. I am also the same.

My first experience was as an aunt (before I had dc). I just felt a deep warm connection to my nephew. It was unexpected because I wasn't a very child-focussed person, and had no desire to hold other people's babies. I still remember the moment when he chewed my chin - something he only did to his Mum. It felt like he recognised something in me...

With your own dc there is no choice - you love them, they are totally dependant on you. But you're possibly also both tired and niggly at times (and as they grow into teenagers you both know exactly what buttons to press).

With grandchildren it is amazing.

• Starting with having more time / patience to deal with infant crying, toddler tantrums, teenage angst, which means I can feel more loving and less irritated.
• It about seeing your son / daughter / mother / father / grandparent / sibling / aunt reflected in a child and wondering about genetics and family 'soul'.
• But for me it was the wonderful moment when I took my dgc to a toddler group, a child hit them, and in a room of 30 people, my dgc could find me to look for comfort. It was a relationship on their terms.
• Now it's about having dgc who are totally physically comfortable with me. There is no 'need' to kiss granny, they come and show affection (physical or in words) by choice. Every time something like that happens, I feel honoured, accepted and loved.

In addition to above ^^

I didn't have any grandparents when I was growing up, so I'm modelling my own experience of this.

I also think I am more careful of my dgc than I was of my own dc
Things like car seats (which have obviously changed in 30 years) but which I research meticulously now, but didn't when I had my own dc (didn't have time so just accepted a friend's recommendation).
To my shame I often dressed my dc in matching clothes. With dgc, I let them choose what they want to wear - who cares is blue socks are worn underneath pink leggings, or if spots and stripes are mixed, or if wearing a superman outfit is appropriate for going shopping.

But, I think for me the biggest change for me is about being 'led' by my dc and their partners. It changes our roles. My dgc and their dc, so their rules and approaches take first place. It's for me to add to that with love and consistency to help dgc feel secure, knowing that the essential boundaries are similar (even if I do turn a blind eye to a couple of things!!)

It definitely makes you more wary because of the thought of it happening to the DC also. I guess just being aware and observing, can help, and realising not all are the same. It also made me wonder about my own feelings and concern in case I too started being like it with my own DC. Thankfully I don't feel like this with them. they are definitely their own people! Not just extensions of myself.

I do see it with them from my parents though for example they will ask about them playing football (as they like that or did growing up) for example. It can make you feel a bit lost with no role model etc

A book I found helpful was one called the Book you wish your parents had read (and children will be glad you did). by Phillipa Perry. That was quote good and helpful

I think you need to separate the fact that you -for obvious and sensible reasons- don't trust your own parents as people from how your dh's parents - who are clearly quite different people- might relate to their grandchildren.

Let's face it, you wouldn't want your own love for your children distrusted because there was a lot not to trust in your parents' love for you.

Dh and I were both privileged in having parents who were loving without being obsessive or controlling, loving in a kind of natural cheerful way, with full respect for children as individual autonomous people, though in need of a certain amount of guidance.

When our children were born, that attitude just carried on: they loved them naturally- because in their heads, why wouldn't you? loving somebody you sent time with or had any kind of connection to was a normal thing for them. They enjoyed being with their grandchildren, but at the same time respected our role as parents.

This may well be the attitude of your ILs- if that is the case, cherish them. Having love from different places- healthy, non-burdensome love- is a great thing for children.

But yes, absolutely understand your concern about your own parents. It may be that they are better able to handle grandchildren- a less tense relationship- but you may also want to keep an eye. The good news is that children are far less likely to be damaged by unsuitable grandparents than by unsuitable parents, because it is such a different relationship. Most strong and well supported children can accept that "yeah, grandma is a bit odd but we'll just deal with it" while they need to feel that their own parents ring true and can be trusted.

Grandparent/grandchild love is very different to loving your own children, in my experience. It took longer to grow. I'd hold them as new born and they were my daughter's babies. Little creatures she treasured so respected out of love for her.

Tbh, as each arrived after a close family death, daring to love a new person had been a risky business for me. But we grew to love and trust each other.

I can be more relaxed with these babies. When they cry or get hurt I don't feel the pull in my womb and breasts.

Now the older one can show by his actions he is pleased to see me, offer kisses, and use me to snuggle up to it all helps build the love. When the younger one who is only three months has been screaming relaxes for me I feel trusted. Not that the poor love does always relax, he seems to have some tummy and allergy problems.

They are my daughter and her partner's children and I am of lesser importance in their lives, but still have an important role to play.

I know my parents love me, but they find absolute joy, delight, wonder, amazement at my son. My Dad is very vocal about how awesome he thinks his grandson is in a way that he never has been about me.

They say it's because they're not tired now, the daily grind has stopped, they're semi retired and the worries aren't the same and as constant as when Me and my sister were small, and they've got more money and time to enjoy him. He in return thinks they are wonderful and will engage with them in ways that he won't with me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences, it's really reassuring and helpful. The idea that a relationship develops between the dgc and the dgp over time, but starts from a place of the dgp being invested and interested makes total sense to me. And to be honest that's how I feel I love my dc. I have the natural maternal feelings, but I also love them for themselves.

I can see my in laws are doing this too. Paying attention to what the children like and are interested in. Not forcing affection etc. My family do try and force affection and want them to like and enjoy what they do rather than show interest.

Also, the idea that my dc are less likely to be damaged by dgps, because the relationship is less intense is a helpful one!

Thanks again everyone, it really has helped me sort through some confusion!

Also I have the Philippa Perry book, and just about to start reading it. I am terrified of repeating a pattern with my dc and my biggest fear is that they will think I don't love them.

I think just being self aware and even thinking about this stuff is a good sign that you won't. I bet your parents don't have the insight to do that if they are anything like mine. I too worried but found it just came naturally. I also parented totally different from my mother, for example breastfeeding although she told me off about it I just ignored it!

I noticed my in laws treated me / us as parents, for example asking me what the DC like / enjoy..whereas my own parents would not respect us as parents and take over, and demand they come to stay on their own for example (when I went NC they would write directly to the DC with sad face cards asking them to visit)

It's not easy, but it can be very helpful when the in laws are not the same, it can get things in perspective and be a good thing. I even ended up talking to my MIL as she had a similar mother herself and she understood, telling me "I just ended up doing my own thing really"

Mine are teens now and growing up OK, not being pulled by demands - they don't see my parents now, but are quite close to the in laws, in a nice kind of way, we still have boundaries though.