Who is BU here?

[c0ffeeandcake]

I'm interested in an independent view please.

DS almost 5, recently diagnosed ASD. Not severe, he is verbal, in mainstream school with one on one support. Great kid, not hugely or consistently negatively impacted by his ASD at this stage.

Mealtimes are difficult. He takes a long time to eat (regularly an hour or more), even with foods he loves. He just doesn't have enough interest in it to do it quickly. We always end up helping him... spoon the food into his mouth, otherwise it takes forever. In an ideal world I'd love to persevere, make him finish and feed himself the whole way through. He CAN feed himself, but when I'm around he cries for me to feed him and tantrums if I don't. This leads to a lot of distress and melt down.

Eating dinner at my mum's earlier. He was happily feeding himself. I got in from work and true to form he started asking me to feed him. I said no, encouraged him to feed himself, told him he could have a treat afterwards etc.
My mum was also encouraging him. My nephew (3) was also there eating his dinner.
After 4-5 mins of DS asking me to feed him, me refusing and him getting increasingly distressed, I gave in. I started feeding him. I couldn't watch him continuing to get upset any longer.

My mum started vocalising how I shouldn't be giving in, that I'm doing him no favours and now he's got his own way.
I agreed with her but equally told her it was my choice. She kept going on even after I asked her about 6 times to leave it. Agreeing with her but asking her to back off. She said she couldn't stand by and watch me do this as it is damaging I the long run.

I know he can feed himself. I know he is playing me. I also know that I give him great comfort, im his primary source of security. I know my mum means well but I was loosing my patience with her going on at me whilst my son was verging on melt down.

She minds him 2 afternoons per week from 3 to 6 during term time and 2 full days during school holidays. He adores her as do I but fuck I was feeling the rage with her!!

Who is BU, me or my mum??

You, sorry

He's on the spectrum this maybe a form of socialising with you that he treasures . Don't stop unless it becomes dangerous . He will if higher functioning do it himself . ATM he enjoys it as a social thing I'm sure

I don’t have the same experience OP, but from what you describe I’d feel the rage too! It’s really no ones business but yours how you feed your son, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job and have his needs in mind and are nurturing, and know how to comfort him when he needs to feel security. I can imagine that the moment of coming home from work is one of those pinch points where you’re trying to do a million things and he probably wanted to get some comfort from you, and get your full attention, and you wanted to give it to him, but you felt like you couldn’t because you felt judged by your mum. I’d have been and done the same in your situation.

Honestly I think you know YABU. You know he can feed himself, you know he is playing you.

I can fully understand the frustration with the speed of his eating and how much easier and quicker it is to do it yourself but I think you need to stick to your guns and refuse to spoon feed him. You are not doing him or yourself any favours in the long term by giving in and feeding him. Yes it will be unpleasant in the short term (by refusing to spoon feed him) but you are making a rod for your own back and need to break the habit. He feeds himself at your mum's because he knows there's no other option. He just needs to learn that with you too.

I think that your mother is right op. You do, as you say, give him 'great comfort' but patiently keeping with him feeding himself is, i think, best for him in the long run. He loves his grandma and is better having childcare from her than other providers because she does it out of love, presumably, not for money. When you use dgp for childcare, there is flexibility...can be relied on if child ill, you don't have to stick to rigid pickup, you save money, they love your child ...because they are family. However they often have more to say than professional childcare and don't always know when to stop ...because they love your child and are family. That's the payoff op.

My son’s autistic. We’ve learned not to force mealtimes as they are stressful. Making him more stressed is not going to help.

You’re his safe place mama. His place of comfort. I bet he’s missed you & wanted that contact & comfort.

It’s not your mums place to interfere & as another mum who treds the edge of meltdown on tiptoes, the tension in front of your son wasn’t ok.

It’s up to you when/if you tackle this in your own time.

No one is being unreasonable, but everyone needs clarity on what’s best for your child. So explain why you are doing what you are doing - reconnecting with your child as priority over eating skills - and have some backing: ask an expert (SEN board here is good or if there’s a professional you trust who knows your child) for their opinion on your approach. Talk to your mum at a relaxed moment when your child isn’t there. Take her out for a drink/coffee. Remind her how much you appreciate her input and her work with you in caring for your son. Acknowledge there will be points of contention along the way, especially as you all learn more about how his autism affects your child.
Don’t make it a right or wrong thing. How lucky your kid sounds, how loved.

Thanks everyone. Yes he is incredibly lucky, we all are. My mum is amazing and so good. It's just hard after a week of work, school and all the running around that goes with it the last thing you want at 6:30 on a Friday is a melt down.

I'll speak with her alone as you say... we are all trying to navigate this new world as best we can. You're all very kind thank you xx

Feed him. Who knows how much energy he has had to spend holding everything together until his safest person arrives. You feeding him gives him comfort and security. Go with it. You’re both doing great.

Thanks everyone. Yes he is incredibly lucky, we all are. My mum is amazing and so good. It's just hard after a week of work, school and all the running around that goes with it the last thing you want at 6:30 on a Friday is a melt down.

The easiest way to solve this problem is for your mum to feed him earlier so he's finished or almost finished when you get back.

I had the same issue with my daughter OP (she has downs). I agree with @WellTidy. Plus, he’s still really young. I don’t agree with your mum that it’s damaging in the long run, it’s not the same as dealing with NT children. Do you have access to a support group as you may well find others have this issue too and can reassure you.

Its up to you how you tackle it but how is he going to cope when meal time at school is difficult and you aren't there then to feed him?

Can't it be arranged that the eating is finished by the time you get home when he is staying there. either by you being later, meal being served earlier or a combination of both.

The problem with what happened is

• saying no
• him creating
• you giving in.

Which, as your mum was saying is definitely training him that if he makes enough fuss he will get his own way.

You would have been better walking in and taking over immediately rather than initially resisting and then giving in.

Your son needs to learn that feeding himself is normal and ok. If you keep caving in because he’s distressed , knowing that he is capable of feeding himself, then you’re just soothing him. This will not help him to understand that self feeding is normal.
I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear but if you keep feeding him, how is he going to cope in the future?

He can manage at your mum’s, he can manage at home. He knows you will give in so he’ll keep on until you do. It stops immediately the minute you start feeding him, yes? So it’s a choice, not a meltdown.

Insist he feeds himself, you know he can because he’s such a big boy at Nanny’s house. Do reward charts work? Give him something to work towards but only if he feeds himself.

And perhaps he likes the feel of your mum’s cutlery, can she spare a set you could borrow for a little bit?

Your mum was right - however she should have let it drop after sharing her views. You obviously both love your DS. You need to work together on this. Good luck x

From your son’s perspective - he is literal. He thinks ‘ oh, mum is here, she will help me eat’. It’s not laziness. It’s not naughtiness. It’s not bad parenting. It’s the asd literal interpretation of the world - mum is here to help me eat.

That’s what he’s always known, that’s what he expects. For kids on the spectrum, expectations quite literally rule. So it’s not your fault, his fault or anything to do with your mum.

I’d talk to him - at a non-meal time - about the positives of self-feeding - oooh, you can choose what order to eat things in! Wow, you can choose how much you would like to put in your mouth at a time!

Many ASD kids have sensory processing difficulties too, so choosing what goes in their mouth and when is a big deal.

Presumably he feeds himself at school? It can’t possibly take him an hour, he would miss all his playtime. Or does he miss his playtime? In our school the children have half an hour to eat and then they go outside while the helpers clear away the tables and chairs. Nobody would be able to sit there still eating. Have you asked at school how he gets on? If he only demands to be fed when you are around then you have to remove yourself from mealtimes for a while.

@Time2changenow you've hit the nail on the head! I asked him in the car on the way home why won't he feed himself when I come home. His response 'because you're my mother mummy' they are so literal and I guess we just need to figure this all out.
Yes I've got access to support groups. We all went on an educational course on ASD recently and are doing our best to support him in the best way possible. But at the same time I want him to grow up as capable as possible... and I'm afraid that me feeding him, putting his shoes on etc may hamper that.
The point you made about him holding it together all day and not being naughty hit home... I'm in tears now... I can't sit and watch him get so upset he looses his breath... it goes against all my instinct.
My mum phoned me and apologised for upsetting me, but isn't apologising for what she said... she only wants the best for him which I totally get. Every day is a school day right now!
Thanks everyone xx

@MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig he usually eats around half his lunch in school, and the other half when he gets to my mums as a snack. His classroom assistant helps him, but only when he needs it. He's fine for the most part eating in school... it's when I'm there we start having problems!

It’s really no ones business but yours how you feed your son,

Of course it is is Grandma is looking after him and feeding him twice a week, every week.

I completely agree with @Dinomum and @WellTidy. They get it. My DD is exactly like your DS (autistic, verbal, seemingly on the edge of high functioning) and she plays me all the time but I know how difficult things can get for her so I cave. She isn't like a NT child where shes being manipulative, mischievous or anything like that, shes doing it for comfort/socialising with her favourite person. Gahhh! They are like little Sheldon Coopers and I love it.

Also, yes! Your DM should have left it. She may need to gain some more understanding I guess.

@EmmiJay awww wee sheldon. I love it ❤️

Been there, got the T-shirt.

It winds me up when others interfere, but equally... could she have a point?

Sometimes we do have to confront reality.

When you are not there, he is capable of feeding himself. When you are there, he refuses.

Sending DS to a more specialized school help us have the confidence to put these steps into place.

And I am sure my parents jumped for joy in the background...