5 year old thinks she is an adult

[Mummyscrewedup]

5 year old has lots of social emotional difficulties, speech difficulties etc. One of the biggest things is that she sees herself as an adult not a child. I've been told I just need to be firm on boundaries to prove she is a child and I'm the adult but she literally doesn't get it.

How do I make her get it? She is attempting to control other children at school in much the same way as the teachers would

look up pda,your post is crying this out to me as i live this as my 9 y old has this and a range of other disabilities

there plenty of support groups on facebook and the advise given on here will make a pda child automatically dig their heels in and get their back up

She is attempting to control other children at school in much the same way as the teachers would

Have you asked how she would feel if other kids did it to her?

Does she have an understanding of how others may not like her when she does this and she will end up with no friends?

Is she aware of what she's doing?

I presume the teachers deal with it at school?

Then....there are some kids who are just bossy

...and there are some kids with autistic spectrum disorder.
In which case,asking her how she would feel if others behaved the same way to her is irrelevant. She wouldn't be able to conceptualise it and would just get more confused; a bit like giving me an advanced maths paper and being told to get them all right because other people manage it.

It does tick asd boxes and,if so, you both need some help. Definitely try and avoid confrontation as much as possible.

Has she been assessed. I know someone whose DD had this exact issue and it was a specific condition on the ASD spectrum.

I would strongly suggest a neurodevelopmental assessment.

Unless she's adopted or there was a serious problem with the care she received as a baby, you need to be very wary of a diagnosis of attachment disorder.

Whilst boundaries are important for feelings of security, there is no point in punishing a child for getting social rules wrong. She needs help to understand, adults to model more appropriate social interaction for her and support to generalise those skills so she can use them in different situations as they arise.

I was just going to suggest looking up PDA but others have beaten me to it.

With SEN and if she's on the spectrum, she may never 'get it', it's literally hardwired into her brain processing. It's a very long, very hard road to try and help children like ours accept, much less understand and actually participate in, social constructs and niceties. There is help out there, and it is not your parenting, believe me.

My dd was like that and still is. At 16 she's going on 30.
She has aspergers and is exceptionally gifted.
She really didn't get that at 5 she couldn't walk to school on her own because she knew the way.
No amount of stranger danger went in, obviously it did when she got older, but still I worry about her lack of boundaries.
You can be as firm as you want, but if they don't get it they just don't get it.
If it continues for her own safety get it checked out, it can be hard work when they don't get boundaries.

The only thing that indicates attachment over asd is her behaviour with strangers. There was DV for her first two years hence the concern..

Either way I need to make her get it before I get told I need firmer boundaries yet again 😭

Mummy

You need to change your nn, btw. Don't put yourself down, you sound like a fab mum
I'm no professional but this bit could be my dd. I'm not suggesting it isn't attachment related, but my dd hasn't experienced any trauma, and no dv.
She thrives off boundaries etc and I personally find her controlling behaviour comes out when she isn't secure in her boundaries or is incredibly anxious

Omg I could've written every single word of this! My 5yr old DD is having same issue (has ASD) and is controlling people at school. She seems to think she's an adult and bosses me around. At my wits end

We are lucky as dd is a boarder in a specialist school, because it can be hell when she's at home.
We daren't drop our guard for one minute or she manipulates the household so me and dh end up falling out, or she tries to.
She thinks she's on a par with her teachers, and always has.
If you can channel it OP it can lead to positives, especially if she has other traits such as stubbornness, drive and ambition. Because nothing will stop her then.

That sounds like we packed her off No, it was entirely her own doing and for all her boundary problems we all love and miss her terribly on the whole. But it was a good move for her and she is thriving.

First thing I thought was asd with pda profile reading your OP.

My ds is 15 now and still seems to manage to note every single child in school who has broken a rule that day (and the teachers come to think of it ). Yet he can't see where he's broken a rule if he does. It isn't not understanding it applies to them or thinking it doesn't - it's usually based on theory of mind difficulties.

But he can also see people breaking rules where they actually aren't. It's because he's so black and white and literal. Social norms allow for some boundary pushing and testing within relationship forming.
This blows his mind and totally confuses him!

My ASD son can be like this. It's firm boundaries and constant reminding and reassurance that sees me through. He's 8 now. He knows every rule break that somebody has committed at school, constantly talks to me like he is the parent and telling me what I should and shouldn't do. He takes himself off to the Senco on a regular basis to "report" things. He doesn't yet realise that this will not make him popular, he just sees RULES. Very difficult. Might be worth a chat with your school Senco and I also support the use of social stories which have had varying results with us. Good luck!

@itsgettngweird Our posts are almost identical

@TheFormidableMrsC @itsgettingweird

Yes she is crazy obsessive about rules. 90% of her issues with other kids inc. Her brother is when they break rules. I get a list most days of who has been in trouble yet I get told nothing else fromnher about school . Reading both your posts is uncanny!

It's why I know i have boundaries, because she strives off them and actually it makes life easier for her to have firm rules.

My DS (8) frequently tells me i'm not the boss and can't tell him what to do. He has an Autism diagnosis.

He has very impaired theory of mind and doesn't understand other people have thoughts and emotions, I find it really hard to get my head around.

MrsC 😂😂 it's exhausting but you cannot fault their observation skills

Aaah the you're not the boss of me standpoint. My ds has been saying this since he was 5. God it's just exhausting.

And yes yes to knowing exactly what rule/law has been broken by others. However rules do not translate well with him but at the same time he'd never break the law.

I think children with ASD can seem controlling because the world feels chaotic and unpredictable to them. There is communication happening around them all the time that they can't interpret. Changes in routine and plans throw them constantly.

Insisting on rules being followed, is one way of making things feel more predictable and more safe. It's a no-brainer for a child who feels anxious and unsafe. Telling her not to do it isn't going to help because it's a coping mechanism, not bad behaviour.

Have a think about how you could help reduce her anxiety as this might reduce her need to be in control.

It doesn't get better ime, it can get a lot worse.
They can risk not meeting their potential at school no matter where their talents lie.
Now, I'm trying to show an interest in GCSE's, like any parent does, it's my duty.
But, I'm accused of all sorts of things that aren't true, so she can cause a scene and not engage.
I'm far from controlling btw, more laid back if anything.