For boycotting parenting duties?

[NotALurker2]

One of my kids (12) whines and pitches a fit at every.single.thing he's asked to do. Never does his chores on his own, and when asked it's like fingernails on a chalkboard and always ends up feeling not worth the effort. Last night we had a heated back and forth about feeding the cat, something that takes 60 seconds but was argued over for 15 minutes. It ruined my evening. Now he has a friend coming over this afternoon and I said I'm not going to clean up or buy snacks, that if he can't be bothered to contribute, neither will I.

Is this reasonable?

Yabu because he wouldn't be having a friend over at all with that attitude.

So what are the consequences for poor behaviour? Because he is getting a friend over tonight which wouldn't be happening in my house if he was behaving like that 🤷‍♀️

Ugh poor you OP it's so frustrating when they can't see how tiny the thing you've asked them to do is!

Sit down time - he can sit with you calmly and listen to an explanation of which chores and self care he is expected to take responsibility for. --

If he doesn't want to agree to them then there will be a second discussion outlining what you will no longer be doing for him. Including catering to his friends when he has been so rude to you as well as lazy.

I know it's not always possible because it would mean inconveniencing the other parents and we don't know their situation, but I would cancel a social thing for him and make it clear that you're more than happy to facilitate him having time with friends and treats to enjoy... but not when he has been so rude.

He's 12, he needs to learn quickly that the world doesn't revolve around him or he'll end up moving out with no concept of the real world.

So if you feel guilty at any point (which you shouldn't) just remember you're doing him a favour by teaching him to be accountable and not a gobshite to people who love and care for him.

Absolutely wouldn’t be having a friend over with his attitude.

I actually think it's a pretty good demonstration of how everyone needs to contribute.

When his pal comes over and there are no snack, you don't offer food or drinks then hopefully he will notice and maybe be a bit embarrassed and it will help him to understand that the smooth running of a family home requires everyone to contribute

My mum had a slightly sinister but effective phrase that she used from when we were young...
“Mummy can make your life very happy or very sad, it’s up to you”
Ouch.
So if we behaved nicely we could all go a trip to the seaside and have ice creams and play on the sand. If we were little shits then we would be getting none of those things, and that was our decision. Our behaviour we generally very good for some reason.
A 12 year old should be able to grasp this concept. YANBU OP.

Hahaha @HillAreas I love that! True and terrifying in equal measure

I think it sounds like you’re both being childish. I wouldn’t allow the friend round and I wouldn’t have had a 15 minute discussion over feeding the cat - he gets told to do it, he had one minute to do so it else the repercussions (eg no tv for the rest of the evening, no WiFi, no friend round etc) begin.

Does DS know that he is expected to feed the cat, or is this something that you suddenly asked him to do and expected him to get on with?

We've always been clear with our DC that we all have to live in our house, and it's much nicer for everyone if everyone pitches in. And we have clear expectations about what we expect them to do.
I wouldn't like being suddenly told I had to do something, so I understand why my DC don't appreciate this either.

@YasssKween it’s all in the delivery, little smile, speak slowly and quietly... my mother is a Queen

YANBU to be annoyed over this but I would agree with most others on the thread and just cancel the friend altogether

MN usually is on the side of it's not fair to cancel on the child visiting to punish the other one. OP what's the other child like?

One of my mates DMs had a system for when 'good' children were over to shame theirs. Basically no telly(or Wi-Fi, whatever works) until they do what they were meant to. Mates DM would apologise and say 'X knew that xyz was to be done before or no tv, sorry you're having to wait' and would sit chatting away to us until they had it done. Generally pretty quick as we got older as no teenager wants their parents alone with their mates saying who knows what shameful uncool things.😁

(When I say good children I mean those of us who wouldn't dare question our parents or anyone elses and were able to hold a polite conversation long enough)

Actually, it's evil genius not to cancel. Kids still get to play but your DS will have to get drinks etc and the extra things he's taking for granted won't happen.
I'd keep it up for the weekend too

HillAreas you are a star. Will pass that on to my Daughter