To 'distance' myself from ex-inlaws?!

[Legallybleachblonde]

This is what I have been accused of. Last week I saw my ex FIL (for necessary reasons not relevant to this post) and he accused me of deliberating distancing myself from him and ex MIL. Bit of background - my exH left me three years' ago for another woman and now lives with her. I've really tried to move on from it but there is still some deep-seated anger there, mainly due to my ex lying (I believe) at mediation to get out of helping me and DS (then 2) to stay in family home. We sold and I had to go into temporary accommodation with DS. ExH immediately announced he was moving in with OW (who had a 4 bed house) and that they were going on a 5 star holiday to South Africa. It has been so hard for me financially (and mentally at times) and now I get accused of distancing myself which was the straw that broke the camel's back - I went mental. I have my DS5 five nights a week and I work 9.30 to 2.30 all week (with no break) so I can do school drop off and pick up. Both my parents are ill (alzheimers and cancer) and any child-free time I have is mainly taken up with doing things for them and housework/chores - there is little time for socialising and you can forget dating; it's just not going to happen at the moment. MIL has now blocked me on social media (pathetic) and I am just so ANGRY that I am the one being questioned when none of this was my doing in the first place. Okay, so feeling a little better now after having a rant. I actually really like my ex-inlaws but I'm not their DIL anymore and I need to move my life on - it's been three years! It's made me feel guilty. What do you all think?

In your shoes I'd distance myself too. Your feelings of anger and resentment are justified.

She's his mum. She'll always side with him. Not to mention if you've been demonstrating your anger and resentment in front of her, it's the most sensible thing to keep you at a distance otherwise it gets even more messy than it is now.

Whatever the case, for the sake of kids, try to be the better person. Be civil to him and his mum if you're around them but you're under no obligation to maintain a friendship with her.

They aren’t your in-laws anymore. You don’t have to have any kind of relationship if you don’t want to. Ex can facilitate any relationship with your child with them.

Appreciate the gift and concentrate on you. If they need to say or arrange anything then they can do so with your ex. Of they want to see the kids,tell them to call the ex and arrange it on his time. There is really no reason for you to see these nasty people ever again

Block and move on. Your ex should be facilitating that relationship. I wouldn't be making any effort with them, you have enough on your plate without taking on the negative emotions of your ex's parents to. Be reassured that it's really common - PIL still blame DHs ex for their poor relationship with DSS despite making little effort with him, bad mouth mum and supporting DH with contact because they would rather rant about 'GP rights'.

Imo you do not need any sort of dealings with them.

Yes I'd be distancing myself too in your shoes, its you ex-DH job to facilitate contact between his parents and your DS, I do feel for you though and I'm sorry ex-DH is such an arse.

Do the right thing for you. Why the hell should you be trying to keep these people happy. Your ex is a selfish arse.

They prob do/did love you ... but always remember when the chips are down they will support him and you dont need the extra stresss.

Let them block you ... my SiL blocked me and I never noticed and in the end (so frustrated she must have been) she told my DD!

You did the right thing for you. You’re not their daughter in law anymore, time for you to move on to a happier place in life without being reminded you was married to a complete wanker.

Yes, distance yourself. My ex-ILs ex-communicated me immediately after my exH & I split by mutual agreement.

Their loss, didn’t impact me in the slightest & I let exH facilitate his parents seeing our DS.

Thanks so much for the replies. FIL said they both loved me still and it made me feel so sad for them but I do have so much on my plate and sadly, they're just not a top priority. I spoke to exH before about making sure DS sees them and that it's not up to me to facilitate that. Just proves to show the ripple effect of a break up, even after all this time. Sometimes wish DS and I could just run away lol

Well call me cynical but can I take a guess that both before and after the split, you were the one facilitating the contact with their grandchild?

I don’t want this to sound hurtful, but I suspect they’re not saying “we miss you” but “being us our grandchild more”.

Can you guess I’ve been through it?

Don’t feel guilty. Let their son step up and deal with it.

They are not your priority anymore. You are no longer part of their family. You have your own family now. Tell them they became irrelevant the moment your ex went off with the OW.

I have nothing to do with mine anymore. I deleted them from social media, don't contact them, nothing. As far as I am concerned the only tie is the grandkids and their son can keep them in contact with them. He doesn't do a good job of it but it's not my concern. I do like them and felt guilty at first but its needed to be done. I've moved on and have a new life with my partner and my kids.

My ex ils rewrote history it seems. Never bothered with ds until me and ex split and he dumped them there eow...

Is that not your ex's job to facilitate a relationship between his children and his parents.
Don't rise to it. Not your Circus ….

Why would you want to hang out with your ex-ILs????? My ex husband sees his family with our DD and I see my family with her. I sent my ILs a Xmas card but I haven’t seen my ILs since the divorce... why would I?

I have nothing to do with my ex-inlaws, they're not my family! You don't need to have a relationship with them at all. My kids see their grandparents on their fathers time.

YANBU.

Side note: who are these other women who have 4-bed houses and money for 5-star holidays? Why are they interested in some guy who dumps his wife and kid at the first chance?

Honestly? If you "went mental" at them (and you've said that you do actually like them) I'd try to message them at least saying that you're sorry but they hit a nerve. That your parents' illnesses are so stressful and time-consuming (on top of everything you've had to deal with since your DH left you) that it was very hard for you to deal with what your FIL said. You wish you'd not got so angry, but that you hope they understand the time pressure that you're under and the lack of headspace you can give anyone other than your children, work and sick parents right now.

Then try not to give them another thought.

Hmm. Do they see your DS if you don't arrange it? I'd wager it's about that.

I would also probably apologise for the loss of temper but say you have your own ill parents to look after and that you don't have time to see your own friends, let alone your ex husband's family. Then leave it.

Do they support you or add anything to your life? There are a lot of people that I love/like that I haven’t kept up with because at this point in my life I only have the time and energy for those that bring something to the table, and those that need and rely on me.

If you want to maintain a relationship with them maybe suggest that they step up their contribution. Perhaps by taking their gc for a few hours at a set time, every week that you can rely on. Or something else that suits and benefits you.

Ime the relatives who get to see my dc most are the ones who make the effort, and help me out. It’s not favouritism, it’s just practicality.

I would write them an email or message just saying what you've said here, it's unfair of mil to be so rude as to block you.

Your ex has DS two days a week. They can arrange to see them then, with him.

You’re still hurting a lot over the split and contact with your ex in laws seems to making that worse. So protect yourself and leave any relationship between your son and son in your ex’s hands.

And bugger “being a better person” as the muppet up thread suggested. Maybe your ex should have been a better person.

I would write them a letter and state you are sure their son will arrange further contact with their grandchild, stating if he'd kept it in his pants this wouldn't be an issue.