Family

[kittie01]

Hi all, regular lurker but never post threads. Totally prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable but I come from a big family and we are divided into the cool ones and not so cool ones, me being not cool which I’m happy with. I live in a different county to my family but it’s only a 30 minute drive. A few years ago my children were being tested for NF. I’m on my own with the kids and had no support ever with them. One brother rang once and that was it nothing from anyone else. I see one brother and sister fairly regularly but only really because I go to them. I was so worried about my kids and had to deal with it all on my own. Finally after 4 years (yes the Irish system is that slow) they got the all clear which is obviously great. Roll on till recently and my nephew has been diagnosed with cancer. It’s treatable but still a worry to us all. I’m not sure if I’m being really sensitive but everyone has rallied round the family to support them, myself included which is fully what should happen. I feel really hurt that nobody even rang to see if we were ok or if we needed anything. Am I being unreasonable to think they should have at least even rang to see how we were or are the kids ok?

Being tested for something they might have is somewhat different to being treated for something that they do have.

Agree with the other comment. Very different to for being tested for something than actually being diagnosed with something. Let it go op.

you're comparing testing for something (which came back clear) to a cancer diagnosis!
Have a word with yourself!

You are being unreasonable yes - because you are conflating the tangible with the possible.

People shouldn't feel obligated to "rally round" someone who has justifiable yet intangible fears.

People should, and do, rally around someone who has been told they have cancer.

YABU in case I wasn't clear.

It sounds like the issue is that you felt unsupported during a difficult period in your life and your nephews situation has brought those feelings back. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have those feelings but I guess comparing the situations doesn’t really help 🤷‍♀️ Can you accept that you felt
let down and find a way to move on? I hope your nephew is ok x

Your comparing two very differnt situations. Your children had some tests whereas your nephew has a diagnosis.

I would be very cross if I were your sibling that you were turning their child's diagnosis into some sort of popularity contest!

What's NF?

Yeah, what’s NF?

Don’t know what NF is but yes yabu .
The poor kid has cancer , a cancer diagnosis is totally different to a test to see if someone has an illness /cond

What is NF?

I'm guessing it's not life threatening if it took 4 years to go through the system.

I wouldn’t personally even mention having tests to people. What’s the point - there may be nothing to worry about yet. Agree it’s very different from an actual diagnosis. Sounds like it’s a wider issue about feeling unsupported in general?

I believe NF stands for neurofibromatosis, although the poster would need to confirm this... (and the type)

I do understand that you felt ignored through a worrying period in your life. And that you generally feel neglected and not important to your family -that is utterly horrible.
Now is not the time to address it.
Be there for your nephew and deal with how you feel towards your family through other outlets privately -therapy if you can afford it or self help books...
Hope he gets better asap.

Thank you so much for the reply’s. I know he has cancer and it’s horrific and me not being supported while my kids were being tested for NF which is neurofibromatosis are completely different. Worst case scenario with my kids was the legions would turn into cancerous tumours. At the time it was a huge stress and worry and it took so long because our health care is fecked up and we’ve people dying on trolleys but that’s a whole other thread. Definitely will look into talking to someone about my feelings as I would never put it on my family hence why I asked on here. Love mumsnet and love how people are so honest. Thanks so very much for the head wobble. My nephew has youth, fitness and his positivity on his side and we’ll all be there to support him. Apologies for the delay in replying I’ve no idea how to use the site apart from reading off it x

Glad your children were given the all clear and hope your nephew makes a full recovery

Thanks FizzyIce

YANBU. You had 4 years of worry which you had to deal with on your own. That you got the all-clear at the end of it just makes it easier now, not while you were going through it.

My own observation, based on having had a DD with a serious illness for 4 years, it usually comes down to lack of understanding about what your DC were being tested for.

Everyone understands cancer, and everyone is spurred into action by it. Other illnesses not so much. It's just the way shit is. I doubt it's to do with how your family feel about you. Though I don't blame you for feeling the way you do and I'm sorry that you didn't have the same support when you needed it.

Thanks bonnesv it was four years of worry with no one to hold my hand. I know I sound childish, immature etc but my family knew my kids were being tested and I explained what it was for. Ireland Health care is notoriously slow and four years is not surprising if you live here and know how it’s being run. My friend has sarcoma and we don’t have a sarcoma doctor here anymore to help her. Our system is useless and people are dying on trolleys but that’s another thread. I’m going to look into counselling as it’s more than just no family support it’s years of being made to feel like shit and being pushed to the side with my kids because we don’t fit in their box

I hear you. But you could have explained NF in great detail and it would have still been trumped by cancer. You don't realise there's an illness hierarchy until you have one of the others. In our culture we have much more empathy for illnesses that end in death, than ones that result in hug suffering but ultimately still alive. Even just the threat of death is worse. It's because almost everyone has had a brush with cancer, be it directly or they know someone who has, so people are able to relate better.

It's them, not you. But I know that doesn't help with your feelings about it.

Thank you so much Bonnes your kind words have gone a long way in healing a little of the hurt x

When people arent close to something, they dont understand it. I have a family member with a brain injury. He was in hospital for 3 months. When he came out lots of family presumed he was suddenly "fine now". They just couldn't understand that yes he was ok to come out of hospital but that this was a long drawn out illness that he may likely never recover from. They thought because he came out of hospital, he was suddenly cured. People are ignorant, and if they want to believe something, they will, because it means they dont have to worry about it anymore. Still to this day, family tell me he will be ok in time. All the consultants tell me otherwise.

You’re so right tabby, I know I used to be the same but try to step back and think how would I feel in the other persons shoes. I know not everyone can do that though. Hope your family member is keeping well, guess people hope for miracles even when we know it’s not possible