Real friendships aren’t valued

[Cookiecrumblepie]

AIBU in thinking that a lot of people keep in touch with people they don’t really like so that they have people to call on (invite to parties and things) but in reality they don’t really treat these relationships as real friendships?

I’m just getting sick of people saying snide or nasty comments about someone and then finding out that they’re friends with that person. I find this really sad and weird. In my view, why would you maintain contact with someone you obviously don’t like? Or someone you’re just competing with all the time? Isn’t this a waste of life? Or am I being unreasonable in thinking that people should be more genuine (ie: friendship can mean different things to different people).

Just interested in others thoughts!

Omg YANBU! I've never been able to maintain those shallow friendships...not at all. I've always found them confusing! I actually feel like one of my 'friends' isn't actually my friend and never was as she's recently dumped me. It's hurtful because I'm a very 'real' person and when I become friends with someone it's not a shallow thing...I have a few friends but they're all proper mates...people I could turn up on their doorstep at 2.00am etc...and they me....

I see one woman I know has tonne of these light friendships and they all orbit around her like satellites.

Having and being an acquaintance of someone is not a terrible thing unless one person wants "more" from it.

I have close friends and friendly acquaintances - if they want to invite me to a party, then great. I'll get to go and have some nice conversations with my friendly acquaintances and maybe meet some other people who might be nice and interesting.

Obviously I'm not slagging my friendly acquaintances off to other people - I like them but we are not super close.

It's not a bad thing to have light friendships too - neighbours, former colleagues, friends of close friends etc.

yep, I dont have any friends, not one. I have never met any woman that is nice, they have backstabbed me and been horrid, dunno why, maybe its me.

I had a best-ish friend at school but we lost touch, she wasnt interested. I had another friend but she used to make sly digs at me, like calling me Fatty, I was 8 and half stone FFS! The next friend was an attention seeker who had to be the most attractive girl in the room and all the men had to desire her, she used to go around trying to get her friend's blokes to sleep with her to prove she was better than them.

Just had to leave a job due to the bitchy treatment by other women, either excluding or ignoring me.

Maybe it is me.

Oh dear, thing, it probably is you. You might benefit from talking your feelings out with a therapist if you can, you deserve more from life but you won't get to it until you change your thinking. Good luck

Think you may have unrealistic expectations of friendship- like partners, relatives etc they can get on one's last nerve and like all of us they have faults.
My closest friend can be the most self obsessed, attention seeking, annoying person- sometimes I need a break from her calls. However in the same breath shes always there if i need her, and on a good day we have the best times, jokes etc.
Equally I know I have faults and if one day those annoyed her and she bitched to someone I really wouldnt care.

I think you're confusing real friendships with "networks".

It depends how you define them but most people only have at most a handful of "real" friends - ie people they could call up at 2am if they were having a meltdown. But that doesn't mean you have to restrict yourself only to seeing those people. And it can take years for someone to develop that status in your life.

There' are perfectly sensible evolutionary reasons why people maintain good relationships with people in their social circle: at work, in their broader friendship group, in their neighbourhood, at the school gates. This is just self-protection. I'm a lone parent and I depend very heavily on the goodwill of people like this on occasion. Some of these people may go on to become genuine friends, most won't.

But it doesn't mean that you have to expect every single person you are on friendly terms with to become a close intimate friend. That's not realistic, and nor is expecting everyone you know to be unimpeachably kind and non-bitchy about everyone else in perpetuity.

The key is to identify who the genuine friends are and learn not to set expectations too high for the acquaintances. This doesn't mean they aren't good people. But you can't expect absolutely everyone in your life to sing from exactly the same hymn sheet as you all the time.

@thepeopleversuswork sage advice I totally agree! And I don’t mind having networks at all. I’m just amazed that people can be so bitchy and competitive with people they network with or acquaintances. I often find that often people treat strangers better than acquaintances, and I just find it odd.

I have acquaintances and networks but I don’t say snide remarks to them or bitch about them endlessly behind their back. They’re just people that I’m not close with.

Think I’m just sick of two faced people.

But you can like a person and want them in your life while still being annoyed by certain aspects of them. So just because you have a bit of a bitch doesn't mean you hate them. Obviously that is only okay up to a certain point.

cookiecrumblepie c'est la vie I'm afraid.

Being "two faced" is to some extent basic survival. If you honestly expressed your immediate reactions to people in an unfiltered way you wouldn't be able to function: its basic social deportation to put your best face forward. By the same token everyone needs a bit of an escape valve occasionally: if your boss has given you a dressing down you might want to go and let off steam about it to a colleague.

Have you never heard the expression "what people think about you is their business"? In the nicest possible way you sound a bit naive.

The trick is not over-share or over-invest until you really trust people. Treasure your friends and keep your acquaintances as potential friends but don't expect them to have your back until they've really proven themselves.

I think of those as acquaintances, or “ someone I know”.
My friends are people I can be very honest with and they know me warts and all.
I think there is an art to knowing people a bit but not being friends with them ( and it doesn’t involve making snide comments behind their back) . when I moved from London to a small community I learned the art of “ getting on with everyone” . It involves suspending judgement and letting people be who they are.
I don’t always get it right
Most people round here are kind, and I find I don’t have time for the remark makers.

Ohyesiam is right.

I think also as you get older you tend to develop quite a thick hide about this sort of thing. You realise that unfortunately people do form opinions about you very quickly and that often those opinions are unfair and just as often they get disregarded and amended over time.

People will always make snap judgements, unfair judgements and bitch about each other. You just have to learn to shrug it off and not let it get to you.

I have real friends and acquaintances. Acqaintances are ok to socialise with occasionally but I have no expectations of them. True friends I expect not to let me down and I wouldn't dream of letting them down either.

There is a distinction between people you have to rub up against, and those you don’t. Or rather the situations those are in.
So at work there might be bitchy people, or mums at the primary school, and l just have to be very neutral and keep your own council ( but yes op , I find it really unpleasant to be around).
There’s no reason outside these closed situations to hang out with them, luckily.

Thanks all! I totally understand having a vent etc I am just a bit tired of hearing bitching etc. But certainly a thicker skin would help! It’s not even bitching about me, I just think surely there’s a better way.

I'm with you op I hate the whole 'frenemy' thing too. It's different to just acquaintances as they appear to be quite close to each other invite each other to dinner parties etc and then bitch about them to everyone else. It's all very, high school mean girls and immature. It's like it more important to be seen as being part of a group with people you don't like then risk being on the outside - weird. Imo life's to short for all that rubbish, I want to spend my time with genuine friends and my lovely family, why waste time on people you don't really like?

@dancingbadger yes that’s exactly what I mean. People who appear quite close and then bitch because they’re too afraid of being on the outside or making new friends that they actually like.

I dislike people badmouthing others but don’t encounter it often at all.

I don’t live geographically close to my old, close friends and due to work/DC/distance have sadly let relationships slide.

Almost all the people I know locally are what a PP calls “friendly acquaintances”, can’t seem to gel or spend enough with many enough to become proper friends (whatever that means) which I sometimes find hard. But am grateful for the relationships because it means some nice-ish times!

I don’t badmouth people though!