to be hurt by my sister's lack of interest...

[pineapple82]

[name changed]

Hi, I would just like to check if I am being unreasonable to feel hurt by my sister's lack of interest in her niece (my DD).

My sister is 7y younger than me and growing up, I was more of a mother figure to her than a sibling. We are both in our thirties and married, both living in countries other than the one we grew up in. She has always been less emotionally engaged with our parents and has a history of calling me only when she needs something (usually an advice which she rarely follows). DH and I had a 6y long fight with infertility which finally ended in 2019 when we became parents to a wonderful baby girl. Both sets of grandparents are delighted for us, but what hurts me is my sister's almost complete lack of interest in her niece. If we speak on the phone and I share something about DD, my sister will immediately follow up with a story about her friend's baby. If I send her a photo of DD, she'll respond by sending me a photo of that child. The kid is wonderful (And so is the friend) and normally I wouldn't mind but it is quite obvious that it has now been literally every time I even mention DD. For a while I thought she may be doing that because that's her closest other reference to motherhood and she wants to contribute to the conversation - but now I am not so sure. She never asks about DD or if she does, it is in a way that suggests she's doing it because she feels she should, not because she really wants to know.

I love my sister very very much and would hate to see our relationship hurt over this so if I am being unreasonable I'd like to know so that I can deal with it on my own.

To be fair, it is very hard to show much interest in other people's children. Half the time I can't even remember their names. I think you could be right and she's just struggling to join in the conversation.

Your DD means everything to you. Your DS has no relationship with your DD, I'm assuming that since your in different countries that they've never met? Your DS is spending time with her friend's baby and has a closed bond with that child.

If she lives in another country, has she even met her DN yet? If not maybe invite her to stay, and she'll spend some time bonding with her?

Also, if you are living in different countries, she doesn't know your child other than as a photo. It's only when they're sitting on your knee and you're playing with them that they seem human!

Why should she be interested in a child she has never met? She has no children of her own, maybe she doesn’t really like children. I have siblings that have shown zero interest and do not have kids, never will, and don’t even like children.
There is no rule that says siblings must have the same interests to love each other. My one sibling goes on and on about their cats. They foster stray cats. I go on and on about my children. We still love each other and do listen to the other. But I don’t expect my sibling to be super interested in my kids and they just shrug it off when I cannot remember calico cat number 11s name....

I understand completely.

I have two sisters. One shows deep love and affection for my sons, the other does not.

It has affected my relationship with the one who does not deeply.

I understand why you are hurt. My SIL never showed any interest in our children until they turned 17 when she wanted to teach them to drive.

It has affected my relationship with the one who does not deeply.

Purely because she isn't interested in your DC? Do you like everything she does?

I don't have any children and most of my friends do so my response to them chatting about their kids is often to find my only frame of reference - other people's children.

Them - oh little Tarquin ate banana today for the first time

Me - that's so sweet, I saw my friend Bobette recently and she showed me photos of baby Alan eating pavlova, look here!

And so on.

She's protecting her emotions @pineapple82 she doesn't want to get attached because she's far away. It's a wrench... Have been there.

Fuck me. Some nasty shits on here this evening.
I understand op. She’s your daughters auntie and she doesn’t seem to care.
You can’t force her to care, I wonder if you also keep up the contact with your sister? Are you the instigator? If so maybe you need to pull back A little and stop being so available when she has issues. Maybe she needs to grow up a bit.

Maybe she feels she is being supportive by saying that, rather than a robotic aw cute, sweet, lovely, maybe she thinks it's sort of trying to show an understanding. Even if not, she isn't obliged to be excited about your DN, especially if she hasn't met her. Is there any possibility she is also battling infertility and finds it painful? Congratulations though on your DD maybe try and talk to her about it?

@slashlover and @FurrySlipperBoots - They met. We all visited our parents for holidays and she met DD there. She wouldn't hold her or touch her, she said that baby is too small and kept her distance which I fully understood - some people are not comfortable around babies or much interested in them and I would never impose it on her. I just wish that among other things we talk about, I could talk to her about how I feel being a mum without her pulling her friend's experiences into conversation every time.

@PlanDeRaccordement I guess I was just projecting - I would be very interested in her child even without seeing that child in person. We are very close knit family and that would be normal for me. Of course we don't have to have shared interests to love each other - I wasn't saying I couldn't love her for not showing interest. However, I do consider having a child a bit bigger than most life events and especially since she knows what we've been through to get here - I was expecting a bit more excitement on her part, I guess.

@Lambikinis - I don't mind seeing other kids, or listening about them at all. What hurts me is that I literally cannot say anything about DD or how it feels to finally be a mother without her mentioning her friend. I appreciate she is close to her friend and her friend is a lovely woman too - I just wish I could sometimes discuss my own experience without it being immediately countered/compared/related to her friends. Somehow it makes our conversation less personal for me.

I dont think YABU to feel hurt. Your child is not a hobby or interest that you dont share, they are a person and a member of your sisters family. A person that she seems to show no interest in getting to know. I would also be upset about this.

I'm not sure there is much you can do about it though. Maybe do what you can to encourege a relationship to form by them spending time together ideally in person or over Skype. So that it's not you sending pics and telling stories, but them actually interacting. I appreciate this will be tricky as you live in different countries and presumably your DD is still young.

She might show more interest when they can chat together.

Do you talk about other things too? As someone with no kids, sometimes it feels as if everything you have to say is trumped or cut off by other people talking about their kids. Could it be that she doesnt know what to connect to you about? And, to be honest, as much as you try, it can be hard to be constantly interested in other peoples kids even if you are related to them.

They met. We all visited our parents for holidays and she met DD there. She wouldn't hold her or touch her, she said that baby is too small and kept her distance which I fully understood - some people are not comfortable around babies or much interested in them and I would never impose it on her. I just wish that among other things we talk about, I could talk to her about how I feel being a mum without her pulling her friend's experiences into conversation every time.

Maybe she's similar to me then? I'm not good with small babies, they always seem so tiny and fragile. I have a fear that I'm going to accidentally hurt them or drop them.

I know nothing about babies, people can tell me their child was talking/walking at a certain age and I have no idea if that is good or bad so I use other babies for reference.
"DC said their first word today!"
"That's brilliant! What was it? My DNs first word was blahblah"

Could it be that (like me) once your DD becomes a bit older then your DS will be better? I have no interest until they're about 2 or 3 and I can interact with them.

@Elbels, that could be why she's doing it.
@OpheliaBalthasar, I think that's a bit harsh. I don't expect every conversation or majority of time in any conversation to be about my child - after all, I didn't stop being who I was before I had a baby. I still have career, friends, hobbies and a very healthy interest in my sister's career/life/hobbies. I just wish I could mention DD/motherhood to my sister without it immediately being related to her friend's baby.

@NC4THISandTHAT I didn't consider that.
@7yo7yo I am usually the instigator. She usually calls if she has a problem at work to ask for an advice/help. My parents complain about her never calling them but she does call me every once in a while.
@Berrymuch you may be right - I don't want to hurt her by mentioning this if that is the case.

Maybe she references her friends baby to show she knows a bit about/ comes into contact with similarly aged DC.
or
A long shot? Could she be in relationship with the friend and this is a way of gently letting you know that this baby is her family.

Either way I understand your hurt. I am 12 years younger than my DSis but found her DDs enchanting.

@LocalHobo I don't think that is the case - my sister recently married and is very much in love with her DH. They are also not trying for a baby by mutual agreement as they're focusing on their careers for another 2y. I would hope she'd feel comfortable to tell me if she was facing any issues, especially infertility given my experience. If anything I would be able to understand the pain one feels when facing a baby when you can't have your own, even if you love that relative's/friend's baby to bits.

My first thought was the same as berry if you are both in your thirties could it be that’s she wants a baby and id struggling to have one for whatever reason?

There is no rule that says siblings must have the same interests its a baby, not an interest in crochet

OP I think she's trying to relate to you the only way she knows, but I can understand why you feel hurt she never instigates any interest
I'd query infertility but given her interest in her friends child...

@Lambikinis - maybe I am. It is entirely possible that the elation of finally having a child of my own, made me egotistical. However, when someone shares something personal with me, I usually don't offer someone else's experience but try to focus on the person I am talking to and what they feel/think. I'd also be cautious with making generalizations here - I don't mind this kind of conversation about other aspects of my life (work, hobbies, relationships...) and I wouldn't mind if even in a majority of times DD is mentioned she spoke about her friend's child - I just mind that there has been literally not a single conversation where I was able to talk to her about how I feel about motherhood or DD without her referring to her friend.