To wonder why living together has become the benchmark for others to recognise you’re in a serious relationship?

[AllHeart1]

I’ve read on here on numerous occasions that “if you’re not living together then he’s not your partner, he’s your boyfriend.” “If you don’t live together then it’s not a serious relationship,” and most recently “we didn’t invite anyone who wasn’t living together to our wedding.” And no this is not a TAAT, it’s a lot more common on here than that example.

Thing is, it wasn’t that long ago that people didn’t live together until they were married. yet they were engaged, planning a wedding, finding a house, wedding gifts were generally things they’d need in their new home.

And yet some people would think now that because they’re not living together, the relationship can’t possibly be serious? When actually couples move in together after five minutes of starting a relationship and their relationship is seemingly more real than that of the couple planning to move in together after the wedding.

There are all sorts of reasons why couples can’t live together such as geographical location/not wanting to blend families while children are small/both being used to their own space now., But that surely doesn’t mean that that relationship can’t be a serious one and that that person is just a boyfriend?

I think it does mean exactly that, yes.

Naturally, when you have children and geography at play too that can make things take longer, but l wouldn't consider a relationship as being committed if an unmarried couple is not engaged to be married or co-habiting.

When people didn't live together before marriage, they generally got married a lot faster. They didn't just "date" for 6 years and then get married.

I think if you're in love and committed why wouldn't you live together? Obviously children etc as you mentioned can hold things up but otherwise I wouldn't assume it was a serious relationship. Our friend has been with his gf for almost 5 years and they dont live together... in our friendship group we dont see it as a serious relationship.

My partner and I didn't live together for ten years before he moved in. It was a committed and serious relationship after the first two years.
Sometimes there are reasons why couples don't live together. Commitment doesn't depend on that.
I know couples who live together....and some who are married who are not committed to each other in various ways.
Don't assume....or presume you know a couples situation or intentions.

In my age group (50s) there are a lot of my group of friends who are in committed relationships who don’t live together for all sorts of reasons!
I’ve known DP for over 30 years - we lived together for a number of years which didn’t work - split up, got back together but choose not to live together

I didn't live with DH until we were married. He was expected to live in the Mess (Army), I lived in various student houses over those 5 years, and back with my parents for a bit when my DM was very ill. Then we got married and moved abroad.

The reason we didn't marry sooner was we thought we were too young (we were 24/26 when we did marry), and when we did marry it was a bit frowned upon by the Army as he was still a junior officer. They didn't like Lieutenants getting married back then (and that was 10 years ago!)

You can move in together the day you meet, get married a few weeks later, have a baby nine months after meeting, then break up before the baby is a month old. Or having a meaningful long term relationship living in separate homes. Relationships can't be classified like that.

When people didn't live together before marriage, they generally got married a lot faster. They didn't just "date" for 6 years and then get married. actually, a lot got married quickly because the woman was pregnant, and it was seen as wrong for her not to be. The term “had to get married” was very real back then.

And then they generally lived in an unhappy marriage for the next 50 years or so, by which time people celebrated how happy they must be together given they’d been together all that time.

I don't know, I think on the whole it's a pretty way of telling how serious a couple is. Generally speaking, when a couple has decided that they want to spend the foreseeable future together, living together is the first step they take. Obviously there are exceptions where circumstances mean that it's not possible or practical, like you say, but on the whole it's a good indication of commitment.

If you're not living together then it's not that serious, is it? More like a hobby.

The exceptions aren’t in the minority though are they?

How often do we see posts on here from people who want to live together but there are issues re blending families and they are advised not to for the sake of the kids. People who live in different locations geographically because of kids, like a PP, partners who are in the army who live in different quarters.

It’s rare for people just to be able to move in together without any obstacles in the way of that.

Yes I think it does mean that. If you don't live together, you've got plenty of space between you - you don't have the constant togetherness which ( to me) is at the centre of a committed relationship. When you live together you get to know every part of your partner, not just the " good bits" . I really don't regard a long- distance or even a short- distance relationship as being committed or serious.

@AllHeart1 I agree completely. I don't live with my partner even though we are completely committed to each other and planning on getting married. We won't be living together after we marry either.
The reasons for this are: I need to be in one place for work and he needs to be in another: I have caring commitments where I live; I have a business where I live; he has a large and strong support network where he lives, which he needs due to issues with depression and anxiety.
There's also the fact that we are now in our 40's (me) and 50's (him) and we have both been on our own for about a decade. We're used to living on our own and like it.

He's not my boyfriend and I hate him being described that way - he is my partner. We are not 15 and casually dating. We are mature adults in a serious relationship and fuck yes, I want society to see us and accept us as that.
I've seen too many people start dating, move in, have children, marry, get the mortgage and then be miserable for years because they realised that actually they don't like living with their partner and now they are trapped.
The world has changed and the message that it's not a serious relationship without living together/marriage/mortgage/kids is completely outdated and can make people really fucking miserable.

Yes, I get wound up about this

I've lived with two partners previously, one I married but it was hell. And one I was only with less than a year. But apparently I was as serious about the second as I was the first because we lived together? Yet my oh and I have been together years and don't live together so we must not be serious? It's a stupid logic to base how serious a person is about another on.
I know a couple who have been together 15 years, who parent together. They are very much committed but they don't live together. Equally I know someone whose engaged to someone she's dated less than 6 months but they live together (as she also did with her last fella after about a fortnight of them being together, they lasted mere months too). It really doesn't show commitment

So if your child moves in with someone after a week you think it’s serious then? VS a child who meets someone they can’t live together for various reasons, saving to buy property/doing a degree so at university/step children in the picture but who has been with them for a couple of years?

It’s rare for people just to be able to move in together without any obstacles in the way of that.

Perhaps amongst those who already have children or caring commitments or are maybe slightly older, but I would say that for most people I know (to be fair, this is mostly people in their late twenties or early to mid thirties) everyone that is in a committed relationship lives together.

No, I don't think it is serious then. They are not opposing statements.

Just moved in together - not serious
Not living together - not serious

Bit I do think that people who have just moved in together have made a big move towards developing a serious relationship. I don't you can achieve it at all if you are just dating.

Why does it matter? All these people saying you don’t regard your friends’ relationships are serious because they don’t live together, maybe you should keep your beaks out and let the people in the relationship decide how serious it is?

Personally I don’t WANT to live with anyone. I enjoy living alone and if I got into a relationship I can’t see me wanting to ever live with that person because as much as I might love them I need my own space. Some people choose to live apart like this but have perfectly committed and happy relationships (probably better than many where they’re under each other’s feet constantly) for decades. OP, you’re right, it’s stupid. I think the happiness and commitment of the people in the relationship and to some extent the length of the relationship (although long doesn’t always mean happy) are the only important indicators of how committed and serious it is

My beak is neither in nor out. I'm entirely apathetic about the seriousness of other people's relationships. But the op was about people's perception based on whether or not people live together. Were we supposed to lie?

I’ve been with my oh for 14 years, married for 2 and we have 3 children. Weve got our whole lives planned out together. And we have separate houses. Are we not serious then?

Why does it matter? All these people saying you don’t regard your friends’ relationships are serious because they don’t live together, maybe you should keep your beaks out and let the people in the relationship decide how serious it is?

Maybe you should take a few deep breaths and realise that people are only replying to the question the OP asked 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, people used to wait and not move in together straight away, they got engaged and made a wedding present list.
There were no problems blending families as there weren't any kids before marriage then.
Me and dh moved in together after 3 months because back then before internet we weren't going to have a long distance relationship which consisted of hardly seeing each other and speaking on the house phone without privacy.

@ FourTeaFallOut but some of the replies on here have been downright offensive e.g. saying that if people don’t live together then it’s not a relationship but a hobby.

Imagine if people started saying that if you’re not married then it’s clearly not a serious relationship even if you have children, and given the fact that not being married is fairly commonplace these days.

Suggesting that people are only serious if they live together means that people feel under pressure to live together if they want to be accepted as a couple by family and friends. How is that ok?

I think it is a sign usually of how serious a relationship is. Obviously if you are the type of person who moves in with a constant stream of boyfriends, then this does not apply. I am sure there may be people living apart in a long-term serious relationship, but I have never met any.

Me and DH we’re together 5 years before we got engaged and bought a house together. We were committed to each other after about a year and would probably have moved in together after 2 years but I started my nurse training so it made sense to stay at home and we both saved for that 3 years for a £20K deposit on a house once I qualified. We regularly stayed over at each other’s houses in that time and made a lot of plans, been together over 20 years now.

I have a few friends who waited until their children were independent and moved out before living with their long term partners as they felt that was the best for their kids.

That was me. And I stand by the hobby status. I think it's entirely different to living with someone, day in and out and being companions through the mundane everyday than popping out to see each other or firing up Skype.

It's my opinion, which you asked for.