To keep my DD off school?

[Tinkerbellone]

DD in year 7. Only child from her school that went to this secondary school.
She does have some school related anxieties & is seeing the school pastoral worker 1:1 for a six week block.

She has friendship problems with one girl in particular who appears to be her only friend let's call her A (in most of her lessons). There are other girls in the friendship group too- B who is quiet and C who can be mean.

All will be well then something happens and they whisper about her and call her names. Usually stirred and instigated by C... A will then tell my DD what B & C have said about her.

Today A was unkind to another child - E & physically hurt E. My DD saw what happened. A started crying saying E had been horrible.
It escalated at dinner when my DD asked E if she was ok.
ABC were outraged.
C tried to push past my DD in the queue and DD stuck up for herself and raised her voice and said 'just go away and leave me alone!'
Afterwards my DD couldn't stop crying.
She's not a confrontational child and shouting is very out of character.

School interviewed my DD and filled an incident report and for the rest of the day my DD was kept in the pastoral centre where she was allowed to read and draw.

Now my DD is refusing to go into school tomorrow.
I'm at work tomorrow. I can't have the day off. I leave before she goes to catch the bus to school. My other children go to a child minder.
What can I do? She says she's drowning In Anxiety and stress and won't go in whilst she has to face ABC in her classes.
I've offered to go Into school with her and talk to someone and be late for work. But she says they will only make her go into class and that won't solve the problem.
I let her have last Friday off because she had bad stomach ache (but had similar friendship issues the day before) I gave her benefit of doubt.

I know kids fall out. I know friendships are so important at this age. I don't want to be overly protective I know she needs to learn some resilience. My heart aches for her.

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading. Hope it makes sense.
Any advice appreciated.

Were friendships in Primary school ok? Primary is where they learn from each other how to be good friends and deal with issues, sometimes with adult support.

Why do you think she only has one friend, A, at secondary? Why has she not developed more friends, having been there now for almost 5mths? (These are not criticisms, just trying to understand where the issues may be.)

My own DD has struggled with friendships, and has since been diagnosed with ASD. Sometimes she has told me she wants to stay home but I've said it's not optional, she has to go to school. There is no discussion, I shut it down quick. She would not be defiant and argue back on this point, but if she had a meltdown and couldn't cope, then that to me would warrant serious intervention by myself and the school. But both my DC know that they must go to school.

Keep school up to date. Emails are best as you then have a copy. Email head of year or equivalent. They will be very used to these 'friendship' issues, ours usually get all the girls together to thrash it out as a group. Ask about lunchtime clubs or see if she can go to the library so she can get away from these girls if she needs to

Staying off school is not the answer. Once you head down the road of school refusal it can get very bad very quickly. One thing that helped my dd is working in her self esteem. Reminding her that she is a lovely decent sweet kind person and if people are nasty, it's 100% their problem, not hers, and they may even have problems at home that cause them to behave in that way. She can't ever control how others behave but she can learn to react to it in a way that won't make her buckle with anxiety. There are some great books, The Anxiety Gremin and The Confidence code which my daughter has used and still uses when she's feeling anxious.

Your dd is a strong person didn't she just prove it by standing up to them? Work on that. She can do it and you must stand firm. Email the school and tell them what the issue is. Ask them to be particularly observant of the dynamic tomorrow. Your dd will not be in trouble, she stood up for herself and now, if they start again, she must do it again. Find somewhere to go right under the teacher's noses like the library. She must not bow to this peer pressure to be someone mean like them. It is not healthy. Is there a buddy system there where she can hang out with someone older and more established? If she is having issues integrating then most schools have groups of like minded kids who support one another with the help of a mentor.
As anxious as you may be feeling for her, you must not pass that on. You can support whilst being firm.
Some areas run Camhs cool kids courses which focus on parents and children to help them in these situations.
Bless her little heart.x

Agree with PP- it's a slippery slope you don't really want to start down. I'd look into getting her some counseling.

Can you practice scenarios at home? Work on her being firm- Go away. Don't be awful. Tell her it's fine to walk away and find a teacher. Staying home is a bad path op. Is there anyone she can invite for tea? Out of school activities to join?

Hi OP.

It might help to know that year in, year out this is the time of year that yr7 start having these issues. They’re all jostling for position and going through lots of different group forming stuff - all wrapped up with a big bow of emerging hormones.

She needs to front it out. She’s got support from the pastoral team - she needs to go in and get on with her day. That’s really tough - but if she doesn’t, her anxiety will get bigger and less easy to manage.

Don’t give her a choice - you’re taking her in and making sure school are on it.

My ds has social problems at school, feels he has only a few friends and is a bit if a loner. Hes y8 but around this time last year he had a similar issue. He felt everyone was sussing each other out since Sept but then after christmas groups formed and some tried to be more I intimidating and he found it hard to stand up for himself.
I wanted to keep him at home but I knew I couldn't so I sent him in but went straight to the head teacher that morning. In fairness she was very good, talked to him alone, talked to the boys and just made him feel safe. I think as long as your dd is physically safe, send her in but talk to the headteachers. Once my ds had gone in and faced it I think I it got easier of you keep her off the problems will grow in her head and by the time you get her back you'll have real anxiety issues on your hands.
I tell my ds he can text me or call me any time for advice throughout the day if it gets too much, he never has but I think it reassures him. Big hugs to you, it's tough sending them in and worrying all day but I think intervention rather than avoidance is key.

Thank you everyone.
I've called the school and emailed.

I feel overwhelmed today. She one of four. I'm single parent and my eldest has aspergers and severe social anxiety. I'm her carer.
My youngest is also very anxious about school.

I appreciate the advice xxx

Any chance your youngest might also have Aspergers?

Can you look at moving her to a different school? Might seem drastic but I was bullied horribly for 4 years in secondary (everyone had grown up slightly by 5th year) and this is exactly how it started. I desperately wanted to move to a different school, it has affected me for life.

Any chance your youngest might also have Aspergers? This crossed my mind as well.

Social difficulties, anxiety, etc. She may have masked incredibly well before now, and it may be worth seeing if there are any other markers.

Also, stress and anxiety often manifest as physical symptoms or illness, including stomach ache. The stomach ache may well have been very real, but symptomatic of her mental health, which you already know is cause for concern.

You say she is working with pastoral, but have you seen the GP with her for her mental health? If not I would make this a priority.

It also sounds as if the name calling etc is a precursor to bullying behaviour (and is a form of bullying in itself) and if it hasn't already then this could escalate. I would arm yourself with the school's antibullying policy just in case.

A may well be joining in to defend her own social position and this will be confusing and hurtful for your DD. She may not actually feel as though she has any friends at all. Bullies often disguise themselves as friends.

I think you need to have a chat with your DD. As per PP, she must have her education. It's her future. She needs to knuckle down, do her work. You can't make this "friendship" group work, so ask her what would make school more bearable with that not being an option? See if you can hash something out together.

Agree with PP. The school library was a safe haven in my teens. Many a lunchtime was spent shelving books, completing homework so I was free after school, doing extra work or research, or just reading. Eventually I realised I wasn't the only one doing this, and that I was part of a small community. Friendships followed shortly after that realisation. None from my class, but two or three from my year and several from other years. One of the friendships from that group is lifelong.