Struggling with Mental health

[Halloweenbabyy]

I’m probably looking for more reassurance than anything so unsure if I’m posting this in right place or not.

My mother has to what I would call poor mental health. She does have a lot of physical health conditions and because of this is in poor health. It’s imperative that everyone knows this - she tells strangers what’s wrong with her, anyone who will listen. At a recent Hospital appointment she told the dr she has cancer - she does not have it cancer - when I corrected her she wasn’t best pleased.

Her mental health is poor - She is the worlds worst off person. She was put on this earth to suffer. No one has suffered like her. She cries at everything - I can’t actually talk to her over anything, because she has had it worse. If I talk to her about anything it’s “well this of me” “at least your not like me” “your depressed?! How I’d you want to know what depression is you should be me for a day”.

A few weeks ago she really upset me and the upset just escalated quite badly so today I went to the drs. I was pretty devastated that my GP wants me to restart antidepressants- I’m 18weeks pregnant and I’m currently feeling like a failure having to take medication I’d rather not.

She came this afternoon, I explained I wasn’t feeling too well in hope she would maybe try and be less depressing. She started crying wanting to know what’s wrong. I said leave it it’s fine I’ll be fine. She cried more “you can talk to me” at this point I snapped and said I can’t talk to you because your either crying or take everything to offence, twist things around to it all be your fault and cry more. This basically made her sulk, I got one word answers and after about 20 minutes she left.

Am I been unreasonable in not wanting to talk anymore about anything at all? If I was so say I’m back on antidepressants because you pushed me over the edge isn’t going to really help? I’m genuinely at a loss.

She sounds very similar to my mum. It's not easy when your mum is like this.

If she was not like this, do you think you would be feeling depressed?

Is this typical of her?

Do you have any siblings you can talk to? Do you have a partner who knows her ways?

I feel sorry for my mum - her life is quite tragic in many ways. But there are times when I can accommodate these poor techniques for seeking attention and there are times when I can't....

You need to step back from your mother.

Don't see her so often, limit the times of meetings, don't speak to her on the phone so much.

Strengthen your own boundaries.
You won't be able to change her- you have no control over that.
You do have some control over your own well being though- that is where you should focus.

If I was so say I’m back on antidepressants because you pushed me over the edge isn’t going to really help?

And that isn't true or helpful.
Your mother is not responsible for your mental health.

Do you think that your mum does these things (and mine also does things as crazy as the made-up cancer story so I feel your pain) because she is lonely and lacks meaningful love and support?

I started to understand my mum more when I had young children and saw how everything is really a bid for attention - and that sometimes bad attention or attention got through lies seems better than no attention.

When she makes up these illnesses in the hospital, she's getting a connection I suppose. She's playing a role that she's comfortable with.

it's terribly sad.

Do you think about limiting the degree to which you can be responsible for her problems? I remember I was truly astonished the first time I was told that she wasn't my responsibility.

If you said " I’m back on antidepressants because you pushed me over the edge "

I would suggest that it might be true but it definitely wouldn't be helpful. You'd be talking like how she talks.

On the positive side, I actually do think people can change. My mum has changed for the better since I started setting boundaries (not much but every little helps).

Tempting as it is, if you say to her you're on ADs because of her, you're repeating really unhealthy and manipulative behaviour. And she will absolutely revel in the drama of it.

There's a saying that before you diagnose yourself with depression make sure you are not in fact surrounded by arseholes. Not wishing to undermine any diagnosis but honestly if she just stopped acting like a child you'd probably feel a load better.

You are going to have an actual child, on whom to focus your attention. This situation where you are her emotional sponge really isn't sustainable. Your child and you will come first. It's not easy and I feel how oppressed you have become by this relentless emotional abuse but please do whatever you can to withdraw.

I'm not sure how you'd go about it but just avoid and withdraw as much as you can. It's causing you harm and you don't deserve it. Neither does your baby.

So sorry. It sounds like a really difficult situation. You’re feeling unwell, but she sounds like she has very long-term problems that she isn’t capable of addressing, so she’s unable to support you.

I don’t think you can blame her for tipping you over the edge into feeling unwell, as it’s not her fault if she’s got such deep-rooted problems, but you also should protect yourself.

It does sound like she’s not a person to go to about your MH issues, even though, with her being your Mum, it’s natural for you to want to.

I have a similar relative who refuses to get help for MH issues that seriously impact in their life, and just keep things on the surface with them, as they’re so in denial about anyone having any kind of life problems.

I hope you feel better soon, and can manage to find support elsewhere with friends/family, and just keep things light enough with your Mum to not let her make you feel worse when you’re at a vulnerable point.

"before you diagnose yourself with depression make sure you are not in fact surrounded by arseholes"

:))))

I would never actually say anything to her about the antidepressants as I’ve mentioned in my first post, as I know it’s not remotely helpful at all.

She is a really sad lonely person and I do genuinely feel sorry for her, but I do feel like she has caused some of this herself - for example she gave up work and cut herself off from reality, so all she has is her own thoughts. She’s gone from doing lots of child minding and been needed by a sibling with children to not been needed so she cries a lot over this and mostly talks about this, well every day actually, the same conversation daily. I would say we have never really been close at all, she’s never gave me the same time and attention she has gave to others.

I think illness has became her thing, like it’s her interest or hobby? I have tried to make her gain new hobbies - knitting, reading ect she won’t acknowledge any new hobbies because she says she can’t do them.

"I think illness has became her thing, like it’s her interest or hobby? I have tried to make her gain new hobbies - knitting, reading ect she won’t acknowledge any new hobbies because she says she can’t do them."

people will cling to anything to get attention.

She has always had an attitude of she was born to suffer. This behaviour of hers is just her normal behaviour, I’ve never known her be any different. She’s very childish and immature. I think I’m probably just been more sensitive to it because of feeling low in myself and having all of these additional hormones x

What was your mother’s background? Did she have a traumatic childhood?

You definitely need to use the Grey rock technique of backing off and keeping topics of conversation mundane and without drama.

Is she having counselling?

You really need to put yourself first especially whilst you are pregnant.
Do you have siblings who can pick up the slack?

TBH if she makes you seriously depressed you should go NC , like another poster said, it might not be because of depression, it might be because you are surrounded by arseholes.

You and baby come first! 💐

Her childhood is difficult to say really. She has mentioned that she was sent to see a childhood psychologist but wouldn’t really say why other than that she was quiet? She said her father ruined her life at 5 year old because he told her she was stupid? She doesn’t have anything positive to say, but she has never actually had anything positive to say ever.
She said on her wedding night she cried herself to sleep because she no longer was allowed to go back home to her parents 😐 she always says she’s been alone since the day she was married.

As far as siblings go there is an older sibling who She hasn’t seen for over a year

So your older sibling has cut her off?

It might be time for you to do the same.

You need to be healthy and happy in your pregnancy.

She sounds like a difficult character who will drain you.

@lexiepuppy. Yes and no. Their relationship has always been very hot and miss - I’d say due to excessive drug abuse from the sibling. I believe that contributes to mothers general behaviour, something else for her to be sad about.

"She said on her wedding night she cried herself to sleep because she no longer was allowed to go back home to her parents 😐 she always says she’s been alone since the day she was married."

My mum (much older - in her 80s) again has similarities here. It sounds almost like a case of arrested development? Like she got stuck?

Your mum's plight screams loneliness :(

The way for you to help your mum is to put yourself and the baby unapologetically first and to make no secret of that.

I'm very sorry you have to deal with this. A silver lining of my mum is that when I am in crisis she rises to the occasion - she feels sure she is needed and that somehow permits her to be the person that she coud/should have been. Unfortunately once I am getting stronger again she resents that (no longer feels sure of being needed).

It's desperately sad but you do sound as though you are breaking the cycle. My background is very similar to yours and I have turned out to be a really pretty bloody great mother despite my upbringing!

@LayAllYourLoveOnMe. Yeah she is desperately lonely and requires tonnes of attention. She needs to be needed - but she never used to need or want me until the was no longer needed by others. She feels like nobody understands how she feels when I do. It’s a tricky mess. My mother isn’t helpful at all in a crisis she makes everything considerably worse, in fact.

all I can say is that when you manage to put yourself first not in an angry way but in a plainspoken way it seems to create space within which they have a chance to change. I actually don't buy the whole "they will never change" thing as my mum has had some "moments" - gleams of reason if you will.

all best wishes to you and put yourself and your baby first!