I'm prepared to be told I'm a shit mate here, but I just need perspective. Its complicated so I will be spare with detail where possible and I have name changed as its outing.
I've been friends with Steve and Mark for a couple of years. They've been married for six years and I have always been primarily Steve's friend but I have a lot of time for Mark too. They are a wonderful couple who seem to be a perfect fit in almost all respects.
Mark has been in hospital for over a year and has an incurable and disabling condition. During this time his family have been horrendous to Steve who has, until recently, been the perfect partner - has advocated for Mark's care, been at every healthcare meeting and has consistently fought for Mark's best interests. Mark's parents have never liked Steve as he is the yin to Mark's yang - he is loud where mark is quiet etc.
Over the last year, things have soured to a point where they only communicate via hospital nurses and Mark to coordinate visiting times. This has made Steve very stressed and down, esp given that there have been times where it has been touch and go whether Mark would survive.
I have been there for steve throughout this time, visiting mark when he hasn't been able to due to work (Steve is a social worker and sometimes has to prioritise work), and I really care for both of them.
A few weeks ago, steve confided in me that he had feelings for a friend, Lee, who was married too, and that they had confessed this to each other but agreed as both are in relationships they wouldnt act on it. I told steve I understood and was really sympathetic as he has just had an utterly shit time throughout this whole thing and has 0 famly support himself as he lost his own parents.
I suggested he speak with Mark about it as they know each other best.
Following that conversation, Mark told Steve he should explore other relationships but that they would remain primary partners. Steve began to do this and Mark decided that it would be easier for them to divorce entirely as he felt he was holding Steve back and due to the conflict between Steve and Mark's family being so difficult to manage and Mark feeling as though he is constantly in the middle.
I hope you're still with me!
Steve's friend, Lee, has separated from.his partner at this point. They were unhappy and on the rocks before this all came out. Steve is an emotional mess - constantly running between loving Mark forever and being heartbroken at the end of his marriage and simultaneously crushing SO HARD on Lee, who is going through a separation and is treating Steve very much like an unpaid counsellor/taxi driver/personal assistant and manipulating him throughout this whole process.
Steve and Lee havent so much as kissed at this point, but Steve is constantly running to me with all the drama from both sides of this issue - on one hand, Mark's family are continuing to be arseholes with added gusto as they now have the divorce to throw at him, while hes trying to.impress Lee and present himself as a potential romantic partner to him.
Bottom line - I dont want to but I'm judging him for bailing on his sick hisband and I'm struggling to.empathise with the Lee drama. We had a bit of a to do today when I basicqlly told him he needed to back the fuck out of all the drama and work on himself and he accused me of being blunt and uncaring... and I kind of am, but am I unreasonable to be? I feel I've indulged him for months and although the situation is horrible, I feel he is making it infinitely worse. Am I a shitty friend? Any advice welcome