Trying to hoover me!??

[tippextopic]

I'll try to keep this short but I'd appreciate your opinions please.
I had what could be called an emotional affair at the end of my marriage, with a man who remains a good friend.He was single.
I ended said affair as I felt it was becoming too intimate and I knew that as my marriage was ending , my energy was needed elsewhere. He was sad as he enjoyed the emotional intimacy . I was sad as we were so well matched. Right person wrong time type of thing .

We moved on. I divorced amicably.Im happily single and enjoy a busy life. I do not want to be in a relationship for the moment at least.

He is in a relationship of eighteen months .
He seems happy and it seems to be developing quite nicely. He is ten years younger then me.

Lately I've been asked out on a date. I told him this in conversation. He advised me not to go as it was early yet after divorce when I'm still in emotional turmoil. I am at times but get counselling which is amazing. Very sound advice I thought. I had no interest anyway as I quite like this date and would be fearful of getting too attached after my divorce etc.

However, I find that since I told him this, he has been suggesting that the two of us go to a trip, to a concert, to each other's homes etc. He is in a lot and f contact .

I'm not so sure that his girlfriend would be too happy about this sudden interest in planning events and weekends with me on our own but I've never met her so can't judge.

Any idea what he is up to here? Is it perhaps that because our contact had gone very low outside of work ( it was anything up to 50 day) initiated by me ?

I have told him that I have no immediate plans to date for many many months , at least until I've worked on myself and reset my thinking about relationships( was in a relationship where I was a slave
for my exh basically) thanks everybody.

Any idea what he is up to here?

He wants to keep you as an option. Don't be that person.

Also, what the title about?

You should not be in contact with this man threatening the stability of his relationship. Put yourself in her shoes for goodness sake

Very confused about the title?!?

What I meant by trying to hoover was the term when someone trusted to ' hoover /pull' you back into a situation that you've left .

He wants the old ego boost back. He has nothing to offer you. He just wants his little boost, on his own terms, from the safety of his relationship.

That’s what’s going on.

• He advised me not to go as it was early yet after divorce when I'm still in emotional turmoil.

However, I find that since I told him this, he has been suggesting that the two of us go to a trip, to a concert, to each other's homes etc.*

This guy wants to keep you as a fuck buddy option.

Don't be someone's option.

If you were texting him 50 times a day that was pretty full on. He's missing the attention. I would avoid having him more than a friend who you have coffee with occasionally. And maybe that wouldn't be the best idea.

Trying to upset the stability of his relationship?
Are you blaming me for his newly started contact and invitations to event, which I've declined Ned by the way.
Do you think I should stop contact because his girlfriend won't be happy??

Genuinely thought someone had tried to hoover you

He is treating you as his back up

I’d let this one wither on the vine - too many complicating factors. As a pp said, even a coffee date might not be the best idea.

I will not be his option or his fuck buddy .It seems that I have spent twenty years being an absolute idiot , parenting my disappointment of an exh while he got the benefits of sex with a. Colleague whine s now his partner.

My aim is to be single and invest in myself.I
I thought perhaps that he was being kind now that I have plenty of free time and he was trying to protect me from further hurt.

As I said, he seems very happy and relationship is getting serious. Idid find it unusual however that in the space f two days, he had asked me to three different event, two of which involved overnights stays at his home , on our own.

We've never been physical .

He likes you, he enjoys the emotional bond you guys share, he likes getting your attention. A new relationship threatens that bond, hence the ramping up of invites. He may even be intending for something to happen on these meet ups / maybe not.

The point is he's kind of keeping you warm, advising you against relationships etc. so he can keep you as a future prospect. He may not even want to take things to the next level with you but maintain the bond you have now by trying to keep you available.

Its all a bit unhealthy as he is within the confines of a relationship and I would advise you to take a step back especially as you sound a little vulnerable post divorce. Focus on you and what you need/want. It sounds like you deserve it.

I thought this was about someone actually hoovering you’re too and I was going to say I hoover DH all the time 🤣 sorry no advice, but if he’s serious about you, he needs to end it with his GF.

Op you should be going forwards not backwards.
I’m sure he likes you and your friendship was intense, but he is in a relationship and you will end up investing too much in him whilst he has the best of both worlds.
Maybe go on a date with the other guy. Just to take your mind off it.

Thanks.I had hoped I wasn't being sucked back in and that his intentions were pure.I am indeed shaken up and feel vulnerable but counselling is helping me to reset .I can't disagree with the majority of responses . I won't be anybody's fall back and as a poster rightly typed, there is absolutely nothing in this for me so that's that.Thank you.