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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Inappropriate behaviour towards a teen

8 replies

Iwasfifteen · 22/01/2020 08:06

Have NC for this.
When I was 15, my family were staying with a group of my parents friends. There were four families plus the couple who owned the house. I was the eldest child there, at 15. We called the adults aunt and uncle although there was no blood relationship.
The man whose house it was was very attractive - a year later he and his wife divorced and I heard he had been having several affairs.
One evening at dinner he started playing footsie with me under the table, and touching my leg. The next day when we went for a walk he held my hand when no one was looking. That evening he got me on my own and kissed and cuddled me. He said it was our secret. We left the following day.
I was flattered by the way he behaved towards me and for a few weeks had romantic dreams of us running away together. I was a shy, overweight teenager and had never had a boyfriend. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realised how wrong this had been and felt ashamed. I’ve never told anyone. I never saw him again after that weekend. But last week I was watching a programme and a girl had been sexually abused by an uncle in similar circumstances. It turned out he had kissed her older sister first. The younger one was blaming the older one for not speaking out as she could have stopped worse things happening. Now I feel so guilty. I have no idea what happened to him in later life but by me basically giving him the green light, could I have made him think it was ok? I’m in my fifties now and I don’t know if he is alive or dead. I know that some of the other families stayed in touch with him after the divorce and they had daughters.
I’m not sure what I expect people to say - I just needed to get it all out. Thanks to anyone who has managed to get to the end of this.

OP posts:
jimmyjab · 22/01/2020 08:12

I'm really sorry that happened to you.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You are not responsible for who this man is and you can't blame yourself.

Posters will come along with better experience than me but didn't want to read and run Flowers

Iwasfifteen · 22/01/2020 08:12

Didn’t mean to add the vote thingy - sorry

OP posts:
MagnificentDelurker · 22/01/2020 08:21

YABU for feeling guilty. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

GrannyBags · 22/01/2020 08:46

Please don’t feel guilty, you were only a childFlowers

OlaEliza · 22/01/2020 08:53

The younger one was blaming the older one for not speaking out as she could have stopped worse things happening

The only one at blame is the abuser. This ^ should never be put on people. They are not responsible for the abusers actions.

Justdontdoit · 22/01/2020 09:50

Second that yabu to feel guilty. You was a child and he tried to groom you. It’s onky as an adult you saw that his behaviour was wrong. At the time his attention made you feel that you had a crush. What was you to say? You are no way to blame in this situation and I hope that you come to peace now that you have managed to ‘vocalise’ your experience.

Justdontdoit · 22/01/2020 09:51

*only

ZaphodBeeblerox · 22/01/2020 10:10

I'm so sorry you went through this OP. Please don't blame yourself - you were so young, and this is right out of an abuser's playbook.

You can't control what an abuser does. Yes, it would be nice if all of us could shine a light on their behaviour, but you can't blame victims for wanting to keep it quiet.

I was abused by an uncle when I was very young. I didn't tell anyone for years; now my immediate family and partner know, and a few other people - but part of the reason I didn't want to share is also that it would become a thing that defined me.. especially with wider family. I don't want to be defined by one bad thing that happened to me decades ago. I get that there is a small chance he may be continuing his behaviour (I say small because of various family dynamics that have meant he hasn't been around young girls for a very long time).. but I also need to do whatever makes sense for me to thrive and live my life. I applaud anyone brave enough to speak out - but make no mistake it does need a LOT of bravery. But it's also fine to just handle it however it makes sense to you and move on, and we can't blame ourselves for doing just that!

Be kind to yourself please!

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