AIBU to want a formal diagnosis *trigger warning rape*

[AtlasShrugged1]

Name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I think I am BVU, but can’t shake the feeling. Hoping maybe some different responses will help me sort through why I keep returning to this in my head!

I was raped and subsequently repeatedly sexually assaulted as a teenager. Since then I have had a whole host of mental health difficulties. Have been diagnosed at various different times with anxiety, depression, anorexia, bulimia, have self harmed, been suicidal, had one attempt at taking my own life. Have had medication and CBT many times over the years. Dropped out of uni, dropped out of working life, dropped out of all of life really, for about 15 years.

Happily, I am now much much improved, to the point that I have a very normal life and am mostly pretty content and balanced. But in more recent years, and as my health improves more and more, I have strongly felt that the correct diagnosis for me would have been PTSD. I’m honestly not sure why it was never considered or mentioned at the time I was in and out of treatment.

I can’t explain why - even to myself - but I want the diagnosis that I suspect to be correct formalised. Is that mad? Would any doctor even consider this given that the majority of the symptoms which would have made clear that it was PTSD have passed (most- though not all- of them for many years now)?

Has anyone else experienced this sort of feeling? By which I mean, a discontent with earlier diagnosis when on one view it doesn’t really matter anymore.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, a formal diagnosis is important.
Giving something a name puts it behind a fence. Its a way to manage it, own it, control it, acknowledge it - and be able to put it to rest.

First of all, I'm really sorry for what you've been through and so can absolutely understand the desire for a diagnosis (not least because treatment may be different). What I will say though is that PTSD is pretty specific in terms of reliving the trauma (through flashbacks/nightmares etc) and it is to do with processing the memory of the traumatic event(s). You can go through incredible trauma and not develop PTSD - that trauma can still fuck up your life though even without the specific PTSD symptoms. There is a school of thought that BPD/EUPD (which I know is the label that nobody wants) is a sort of complex trauma response and often manifests in the ways that you've described (eating disorders, self harm etc) although it is distinct from PTSD.

For what it's worth, I developed PTSD after a rape and abusive relationship. I also (separately) have clinical depression, anxiety and anorexia (and maybe something else, I can't remember now). For me, the PTSD manifests itself in particular ways. The other stuff is related to the trauma and can be triggered by the PTSD (for example, one of my anorexia relapses happened because the PTSD was bad and not eating seemed at the time to stop the emotional reaction) but the roots of them go beyond the traumatic events.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense (sleep deprived from my 5 month old DS!) and I hope it doesn't offend at all, just giving my perspective as I can relate to a lot of what you said and have been through.

Thank you for your responses.

@Thelnebriati in a strange way though I do feel that chapter of my life is fenced off already. It’s almost as though the more distance I put between myself and that fence, the more I’m irked by what I feel is the discrepancy between what I think the problem was and what my actual diagnosis/es were? Does that make sense?

@mynameiscalypso yes flashbacks and night terrors were huge problems for me for a long time. As was a massively increased flight or fight reaction, I suffered terribly from panic attacks at the slightest startle. I am very sorry to hear that you’ve had a similar experience.

On that basis, it does sound like you had PTSD then and you've done so incredibly well to move forward from it. I know how debilitating it can be. I know you say you're in a much better place now but would it be worth seeking out a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist to work it all through with? Wishing you all the best.

What you are saying makes perfect sense. Its your life and your history; you have every right to want a correct diagnosis.