Annoyed with DH

[Rosebel]

Still suffering morning (all day) sickness although not every day. Had it bad today and still my husband invited his mother round for tea. I assumed that he would cook, knowing I felt shit which he did after I asked him.
When he gave his mum the pie he said sorry there's no veg because I hadn't cooked any. He then sat down with his tea and I said did he do anything for me and he said no

I didn't want to make a scene in front of his mum so am just sat here feeling hungry. I just feel like he has no concept of how I feel. But maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable and lazy. Maybe I should have cooked tea and made sure he did veg? Maybe I should have asked if he was doing me some tea?
I feel like he deliberately did a poor job to prove he's incapable and I should do everything but perhaps that's unfair. I don't know I just feel like he's pissing me off a lot at the moment but could just be that I'm being a bitch. Am I right to feel pissed off or does your partner need things spelling out for them? I'm less annoyed he didn't cook for me, I'm more annoyed he expected me to cook and entertain his mother who I'm barely talking to anyway.

I don't want to screw them up by changing their environment all the time

I fled DV, moved areas where i knew no one and started afresh. We cut contact with their fathers family and most of my own. I was too paranoid to tell friends where we had moved so was very lonely

I look at my children now who have spent the last nearly 3 years not living in fear, not seeing violence, not learning violence and manipulation and i am thankful every single day i did it. I was petrified and so upsrt, i didnt want to do it, but i had to for my babies

My kids are thriving now and i am forever grateful to my past self for gathering the strength to leave

I know it frightening, it really is. Fear of the unknown is awful, but you have to do it. What you fix in yourself you fix in your childrens children

You have a chance to stop this abuse from leaking down into the next generation,

I went to the police and then the council. The council placed us in a hostel for a few weeks and then in a brand new town id never heard of in temporary housing

I look back on my old life and feel so sad i didnt know we were all worth more, that there was more to life

Im telling you now OP keeing them in that enviroment will mess them up more than moving and starting again ever could

Womans aid are a good help as were the council. They got us into the hostel the same day i went to the council.

They help you with furnirure when you get permenant housing and will pay the bond etc on a private rent if you wanted

Op help is not far but you have to be brave and you have to ask x

@Rosebel You do know that abusive people are not abusive all the time. They can also be nice sometimes too. It doesn't mean the abuse is excused or should be ignored - the abuse still happened, and can still happen in the future. It is all part of the "Cycle of Violence".

Idontgetit That's such an inspirational story, so glad for you.

Op please know you're worth more than this.

But you did leave so you can do it-where did u go last time who helped maybe you can do the same

when my husband tries he really is brilliant

He doesn't try all the time, though, does he? What about the rest of the time? It's like the question how much shit do you want in your coffee.

Imagine someone makes you a lovely cup of coffee (or other drink of your preference.) That's like when your husband is being nice. Then they stir some shit into it. That's like your husband being abusive. How much shit is OK? Half the cup? Two teaspoons? One teaspoon? Half a teaspoon? No - the only acceptable amount of shit in your coffee is NONE.

The only acceptable amount of abuse in your relationship is NONE.

Oh OP, you sound so ground down.

You and your children deserve better. By staying with him you're teaching them it's OK for men to abuse women. Call Women's Aid, or stay with your parents for a couple of weeks while you get an alternative sorted.

Go ahead and mess the children up by staying with a man who lets his sick,pregnant wife go without food and feeds himself and his mommy,that's a really great example of behavior to role model. In ten years when your children are in relationships with men like him and you wonder why you'll know the answer

When I left my husband before my girls cried every night for their dad. So honestly I don't think they would be happier if I left their dad. Now we're back home they are happier.
Reading this I feel like a selfish bitch but part of my reason for going home was for them. not just for me or for my husband. I do love my husband but also I don't want to make my children miserable again.

Rosebel your girls are young. What do you think will happen when they become teenagers? What do you want their future relationships to be like? By staying, you are teaching them that this is what relationships are - men get to hit women without consequences. Men get to neglect women and get away with it. Men don't have to care for you as long as they care for their precious mummies. That is what you are teaching your girls.

Rosebel
Do you honestly think that watching a man hit their mother and humiliate her in front of others by refusing her food is not going to have an impact on them. You know this isn’t true.

Of course they were scared and emotional when you left. But that was fear of the unknown and reaction to trauma. That can be overcome. The actual and real damage of your marriage is not something they will ever overcome if you stay in it.

Your job as their mother is to look out for their best interests, whether they like it or not.

That means - vegetables, dentist, school, and it most certainly means protecting them from this toxic, poisonous man.
Like the vegetables, dentist and school, they may not appreciate the value of this until they are older, but they will.

Please try to take in what PP are saying to you OP

What do you think you are teaching your daughters by example. I will tell you.

Women don't deserve to be loved and treated with respect. If their partner physically abuses them in front of their children, that's perfectly normal. Any man is better than no man at all so if they do find the strength to leave the abusing arsehole, hey, he's not all bad and they love him right, so they will go back to him and just to make it really peachy, why not get pregnant.

Is this really what you want for your daughters? Is being with this arsehole really more important than their future? You obviously think so.

They most likely cried because of the stress and as a PP said, fear of the unknown

As a PP said, what about their future relationships? Staying with their dad is just showing them that a man can treat a woman badly and she should still stay with him for the sake of the kids

If i have got this wrong i apologise, but by reading i assume you stayed with your parents when you left? I dont mean this nastily but you didnt really leave did you. You went and stayed with your parents, you made the first steps to leave but you never left, you stayed with your parents for a while

If you had left properly and gotten your own house you could and still can get thw kids excited about a new bedroom, also an 11 year old is old enough to know sometimes grown ups arnt happy together so decide to live apart,

If you continue making excuses your going to watch your children and your childrens children repeat what happens between you and him. Do you really want that?

Theyd be temporary upset or permenantly scarred which do you prefer?

Im 28 years old and I ask my stepdad ( was with my mum from me being 1 till 15 and still took us out weekly even after they split ) why he didnt leave my abusive mother sooner.

He says for us

But all we saw was violence and abuse, its no accident i ended up in a DV relationship. My sister has got my mothers temper, her and her partner have terrible rows where things will be smashed and broken by both of them, just like it was growing up

It leaks down into your kids OP, you NEED to get them out of that enviroment

Children who are suffering or witnessing abuse still ‘love’ their abusers, they don’t know any different

But they’re learning by your example what a relationship looks like and how it feels, and that’s what they’ll look for when they’re adults. Don’t do that to them

Most kids want a happy settled life and when they grow up with a lot of trauma they cling to what they know. Even if intellectually they understand that what they are seeing is wrong. Of course your girls cried, but can you honestly say that they aren’t scared of him?

All abusers are nice, wonderful even at times. But it’s when they want to, or when they’ve fucked up so badly they think they need to keep you sweet. 4 months after leaving him he managed to hoover you back up and even better get you pregnant. You now feel stuck and he knows it.

Please contact women’s aid, go on the freedom programme, educate yourself. You need to for your girls sake so that you can clearly see what your choices now will teach them about what they should have as boundaries in their relationships later in life.

You don’t have to stay, you have choices, but I fear it won’t be until the next episode (and there will be one) of physical violence occurs that you realise you are back to square one and he hasn’t changed at all.