To think I should not have any friends any more?

[JillyGake]

I have met most of my friends since the birth of my son 2 years ago. I have never felt relaxed around these women, I’m always on edge trying to please, to fit in. I was bullied at school for years by different groups of girls, and now I don’t feel safe in their company. Worried that they’ll talk about me behind my back, kick me out the WhatsApp groups or just think I’m weird.

They are nice women. They’ve never done anything to make me think otherwise. I always go to outings with them with my son but every time I go I’m in my head thinking and worrying. I’m so panicky I’m never in the moment, always worrying what to say, how what I just said sounded etc. It’s exhausting. Then I come home and run the whole thing through my head again and berate myself for not being a normal person.

I just feel now that I might as well not have any friends as it just makes me feel bad.

Sorry to hear about the bullying. It does sound like that could be the cause of your anxiety around friends if, as you say, they are all nice and have done nothing to make you feel this way.

Have you had counselling around the bullying? It could really help you reframe your feelings and give you some confidence?

Hi OP, I'm no expert but it sounds like you might have self esteem issues. Have you thought about CBT?

Friendship shouldn't be mentally exhausting or a chore. I'd start trying to find new friends or try to connect with these women a little more.

I am seeing a counsellor once a week and I’m on citalopram for my anxiety. Nothing is helping. I just can’t relax and be myself in their company.

You sound extremely anxious and paranoid OP and in need of some counselling. I completely get why, but it sounds like these women have accepted you as part of their group, and its not their behaviour that is making you feel that way. That said, you can't be best buddies with everyone. I have a wide social circle of 'mums' that I will happily chat to and vice versa, but that doesn't mean we connect enough to be more than this. Thats ok too. Don't cut yourself off from the world.

After reading this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3801039-To-wish-for-a-cure-for-OCD I’m thinking it sounds like OCD. I can’t stop thinking. Maybe sertraline would be better than citilopram.

In my experience (I feel like this a lot of the time too, OP, so I can heartily sympathise) I tried CBT and it actually made me feel worse. Years and years of hurt and low self-esteem can't be made right by a 'quick therapy' like CBT imho, and in my case it did more harm than good. I know that's not a very constructive remark, but just my opinion fwiw.
Sorry you feel this way OP, I know only too well what it's like.

Could you share this with your new friends ? Or one of the group. Not necessarily how you’re feeling now, but a conversation about bullying in general. If you found out one of group was also bullied it might give you both the strength to seek out counselling or even share how you feel now.

I’m so sorry you were bullied, I grew up being bullied. It effects every decision you make in life but I broke the hold of the bully when I actually said it out loud to a group of mum friends ( I was very drunk). I was 32. But blurting it out seemed to break the chain and the shame I felt. People were kind, in the main, and it seemed to check the worst of the bullying that the kids tried as they found their place in the group because the mums were on it more quickly (I hope that makes sense).

@bringincrazyback yes I think CBT is too short for me and doesn’t look in depth into the emotional trauma. How did it make you worse? Have you found anything that helps?

I’m on the waiting list for psychology. I think it is a self esteem thing, that I don’t feel good enough for these people. I was never good enough as a child (I was about 9) and it just feels the same. I always felt different from the girls at school, I didn’t like pretty dresses, dancing, pink and Kylie, I preferred climbing trees with the boys. But then I wasn’t a boy so I never fitted in anywhere.

The bullies made you don't feel that you are good enough, which you most definitely are. You are a lovely mum with a lovely ds and people are asking to see you.
Is one on one easier than meeting as a group? Once you get to know people a bit more you could mention your anxiety - I would absolutely not mind at all if a new friend told me they were suffering and would try to put their mind at rest and offer my own experiences. It's so much more common than you think, especially with new mums venturing into the world of meet ups, play dates etc. You feel like others are judging you but they are probably thinking exactly the same and hoping you aren't judging them. Be kind to yourself and remember you have lots to offer a friendship - for a start you are probably really empathetic due to what you've been through with bullying

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus wow someone else knows what I mean. How do you struggle with it? I’ve not heard of that drug. Yes it’s like social anxiety. The weird thing is I’m not anxious in interviews or meeting new people, I’m quite confident. It’s only around these new mum friends.i guess I don’t feel like I am like them. Even though I am

Have you ever found anyone you do feel comfortable around? Are your friends very confident and outgoing?

@TweetUsOnFacebook thank you. That’s kind of you. I feel ashamed of my anxiety and ashamed that they will laugh at me, not understand or think I’m weird if I tell them. So I don’t think I could tell them.

@singsongbird yes. I’m comfortable around women that aren’t confident and are quieter than me. These women are all quite loud and confident. Saying that, I am when I feel comfortable. It’s just round them I’m not.

I have one good friend who I feel comfortable with and she is very open and we talk about our feelings, problems with husbands etc. This relationship is more real and I am myself. I’m a very sensitive person but feel I have to put on a front and be funny and outgoing for people to like me.

I have met some wonderful, sociable, confident mums who have been so welcoming but because of my own insecurities I just don't feel myself around. I still accept the odd invitation and stay friendly with them but I've luckily met other friends who I feel more comfortable around.

OP, I think you are being very hard on yourself.

I think these women just aren't your type of women.

That doesn't mean they can't be nice women. Just not your type.

That's really OK.

I've met many many groups of women over the years, some I just knew might be on my wavelength, some not.

I'd go easy on yourself and perhaps just go to different things with your child and you will meet all sorts.

Many people don't need loads of friends, they'd prefer a couple of good ones and that's enough.

Wishing you well.

Lots of good advice here for you to try. The thing is, for at least another five years or so, you will need to be the one to facilitate your DS's social life. When he is 4, 5, etc, he needs you to instigate and arrange play dates, take him to birthday parties and socialise with the other parents, etc. This will all by much easier if you are friendly with the other parents, and you want it to be fun for you too, to the extent possible, not some awful stressful experience. You can't just opt-out of having friends without it having a negative impact on your DS.

You seem lovely, and very self-aware of the cause of your issues. So sorry you had such a rotten time. Very few adults behave like the worst playground bullies - it is vastly more likely that the people you are meeting are mums like you, trying to get by and full of self-doubt. They aren't out to get you.

If you think any of the ideas suggested here might help, give them a go.

I'm like this I literally have zero friends I was bullied as well but maneged to make friends in adulthood everyone of them done me know in some way the last one physically attacked me when drunk I've totally gave up with friendships i know there are lovely friendship groups but I've never had that so I feel safer going for lunch and shopping ect with my sister mum or partner and kids I don't want a friendship again which alot of people will find sad but I'm happier that way .

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus I was the same. I had bad times at home and abandonment. A counsellor said to me once that people can get over bullying if they have a safe a loving environment at home. I didn’t. I’m sorry you’ve not managed to get over it either. I also have all that monologue going on. It’s awful. I am not just in the moment. It’s an absolutely ordeal.

@billy1966 I think you are right. I don’t actually have anything in common with these women save for we all have children. I like odd people, people that make me laugh, people that have a different view on life, people that don’t take things at face value.

@SummerInSun yes you’re right. I would do anything for my son, so the reality is I’ll keep on seeing these women so he can have friends to play with. I’ve just planned his 2nd birthday party and invited about 12 of them. I think I’ll be ok here though because I’ve organised it. I’ll feel like I matter, if that makes sense. I can’t bear to think this might affect him. I don’t want him to see his Mum as socially awkward. I don’t know how to avoid it though. Maybe when I get to see the psychologist, that will help.

Hey OP
So sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed & under par right now.
The feelings you describe are entirely normal & most of us feel or have felt the same way, to a degree, occasionally.
The trouble is that for you, these feelings have become intrusive & near constant. That is absolutely not your fault! - it might be a brain chemistry thing, life changes thing, OCD or anxiety or low self esteem. These things are all tackle-able, & as you are clearly distressed enough to reach out here , you deserve professional support & advice to help you unpick what is going on & find coping strategies. Therapy will help you manage & control your symptoms while also discovering & addressing the causes.

Please don't just keep putting up with this OP. Contact MIND or your GP for counselling recommendations/referrals. You may find that even that first step offers you some relief ... taking action is therapeutic in itself!

Sorry OP did not see how London the thread is, have caught up more now & realise you are already exploring therapy. Fingers crossed that your Psych recommendation doesn't take much longer & best wishes