Am I awful?

[SaveTheGingerBreadMen]

One of my grandparents has been poorly recently but is making a recovery.

One of my parents is constantly messaging me and ringing me to go round and help with this, ring them today, can you sort this out, you've not been to visit in a week make sure you go this weekend etc...

AIBU to be fed up with this now? I work full time, there's two young kids at home, my husband works long hours and usually over the weekend.

I try and do what I can but I can't stand the constant pressure.

I'm also really struggling myself with depression due to a recent pregnancy loss and am on medication. I'm now pregnant again and this whole thing is stressing me out.

I feel like I'm constantly compared to other members of the family who do more.

I feel awful. It's my grandparent of course and I love them but I cant stand it at the minute. I feel like I'm questioned all the time as to why I've not spent the weekend there, if I'm off work for a day, why haven't I spent it there etc... It's driving me mad.

Your parent's reaction speaks more about them than about you. It is probably masking something like guilt. So much easier to push that out on to you than to take responsibility for it themselves.

YANBU. I’d send your parent(s) a weekly email with your plans re. your grandparent and then put your phone on silent.

Tbf to the parent in question, they do an awful lot for their parent (my grandparent) so I don't think it's that they are shirking any responsibility onto me.

I feel like it's a competition sort of, who can be the most helpful/supportive/etc... And I'm sort of letting their side down because I don't go all the time and have little spare time.

The problem is, I'm the oldest grandchild so some of the others do go more than me yes but they don't have a family with kids at home, full time jobs etc... I just physically can't be there as much.

No yanbu. Explain to your parents that you need to take a step back but you will what you can when it suits you.

you have to learn to say no and ignore unreasonable requests, you have a lot to deal with in your own life right now. said parent is guilt tripping and in a way bullying you, they know how life is for you at the moment, they need to keep up the martyr mercy misson, you get involved when it suits you.

You're not awful, OP. The care for the grandparent needs to be shared out between the family members (you mention that there are other grandchildren, for example).

You're not awful. Just be very blunt.

"Mom/dad, I'm not in a position to do any more than I currently am at the moment. With work and the kids, plus everything that goes along with that I'm already stretched to my limits. I'll visit nan/grandad as soon as I can - hopefully this weekend - but you constantly pressuring me to do more than I can physically do isn't helping anyone"

Sometimes saying "I can't do anymore" on repeat is the only way to get the truth through. Repeat, repeat and repeat this, nicely and calmly, but do not justify or express guilt. Say the truth until your truth is heard!

we found this when Mum was ill - it almost became competitive about who had done how much etc. Individuals can only do what they can only do - you need to say no as you currently have some issues going on yourself and need to take a step back to protect your own health - agree what you will do - sy one evening visit with tea for them and anothr meal for the fridge/freezer - that is cover 2 meals a week - I am sure you could also for e.g. pick up milk and bread on the way over then when there give the loos/bathroom a clean and the kitchen a tidy - more than enough. Just agree what you will do and aks people not to keep asking you to do more as its effecting your own health at the moement - ffs with everything you have going on you could do with someone in yourself!!

Just ignore the messages. Do what you can. You cant be everywhere, doing everything. Perhaps your grandparents need to go to a home if they need so much extra support?

Depends how much you actually do? Only you know if you are doing your fair share/enough.

When your parents are old/ill, I think you will be grateful of any help your children can provide. Perhaps your parents are also struggling?

It's not your responsibility to care for your grandparent (or parent). You should do what you want. Visit them when you want and help them out (or not) as much or as little as you want.

If they cannot care for themselves they need to move in to a care home. You are working. You have a family. You cannot do all of that and provide care for an adult.

@LochJessMonster There is no "fair share". There is only the time that OP is willing to put in (or not).

Could you text your Mum saying 'I'm married, pregnant, with two young kids and although I love grandparent, I simply cannot cope with the stress of this all of the time- I'll visit fortnightly and let the others make up for what I can't do at the moment'.

Read on FOG.

You aren’t awful. You just have a giving heart and being taken for granted

You’re not awful! Don’t beat yourself up. You have more responsibilities than them, it’s easier for them to do it as they don’t have kids etc to look after let alone adding pregnancy into the mix too. I would just tell your mum straight.

Tbf to the parent in question, they do an awful lot for their parent (my grandparent) so I don't think it's that they are shirking any responsibility onto me.

That's not strictly what I meant by guilt. I meant the guilt caused by difficult feelings. For example, your parent may resent having to spend so much time looking after your GP. That resentment may be very hard to handle. Sometimes, when we feel a deep sense of resentment, we then displace our shame on to an easier target.