I A Definitely BU but I'm sad and I need a rant

[Merryoldgoat]

I'm sorry but I'm sick of my family and their inability to do anything 'properly'. It's been like this since I was a child. Everything is chaotic, disorganised, badly managed and I hate it - I always have.

I could elaborate but it will bore everyone including me.

The issue at the moment is my grandmother. She is nearly 90, very frail, a bit confused and in a LOT of pain owing to a leg ulcer. My grandmother has been wonderful to me but she is a VERY difficult woman for lots of reasons I won't go in to unless anyone wants to know specifically. She wants everything on her terms. She and I have clashed frequently as I won't agree with her about ridiculous things and her family just pacify her. She has over 5 living children, 2 of whom live with her and another 2 who live within a 10 minute drive. I live within a 10 min drive too but I'm limited in how much help I can give as I have two children, on who has ASD and another who is about to start the diagnostic pathway. I also work 4 days a week.

She currently lives at home and it hasn't been working for years but it's really got a lot worse in the last 6 months. She doesn't want carers, she wants family there 24/7. If she's alone she calls people crying saying she's dying. Ambulances turn up and go away again.

It's too much for everyone. I think she needs to go into a care home but no one will accept it. Fine. It's not my decision. In the meantime though. If one of her daughters isn't available she calls me crying, I pelt it over and it turns out she's just lonely. I can't do this with work etc all the time. They're very flexible but there is a limit.

I know that's really horrible, but the reality is that she has people with her all the time - but longer than a few hours and she starts to get panicky or lonely.

I just hate it. I love her, I want her to be okay, I want to help, but I don't want all the nonsense that goes with it. I want a proper solution.

Sorry. It's a rant really - I don't have much to ask. Apologies and thanks for reading.

That sounds really difficult OP. And a family member suddenly needs that much care it can put a lot of pressure on you. Remember that you are only human and that you too have two children who are dependent on you. Don’t pressure yourself or feel guilty for the times you can’t be there. No one should fell manipulated, especially to the point of a breakdown. Be kind to yourself and remember as hard as it is, it’s ok to say no sometimes. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

Thank you @Showmethefood

I just feel utterly beaten down because I can’t change anything.

She just spent half an hour angry at me that no one is with her - 2 of her children are there right now.

I’m not really sure how we move forward as there are (of course) complicated family dynamics at play.

All I know is her expectations are utterly unrealistic but she won’t accept that.

no carers either ? some people really don't try to help themselves even the smallest bit, i would hate the maniputive crying on the phone, that ground my gears with my dm in the past, but she has since learnt guilt trips don't work.
you can only do what you are able to do, don't beat yourself up, she is lucky with your family dynamics that relatives actually visit.

@Merryoldgoat - handhold - that sounds really tough! No advice, but didnt want to read and run. Hope someone comes along with some experience and great advice!

I’m so sorry. I can understand why you don’t want to upset her.

Can you talk to the two that live with her in the first instance? Maybe set an actual schedule for your visits and anything outside of that they can manage. Answer calls but not to be berated for not constantly being there.

@littlepaddypaws

I really hate it - it’s so manipulative and I can’t bear the lack of realism. She just won’t accept that she’s ill and old. I know it must be hard but she talks like she expects to be pain free in spite of lots of conditions that she never wanted to have treated in the first place.

She has carers for a while, decides she doesn’t like them and cancels them.

I asked her in what way she was ill and she genuinely couldn’t give me much past ‘feeling like she was floating and funny’.

Well of course. She’s on fucking morphine!!

Thank you for the kindness. I just find it bringing back memories of things from childhood that I hated.

Honestly, the chaos is something I still try desperately to banish from my life. It’s going to be with me forever.

That sounds really tough and no you are not being unreasonable.

It is sad that your grandmother's needs are greater than her family members feel able to meet but it is not therefore up to you to give more than you are able.

Your first responsibility is to your children, and making sure they are OK and have what they need to thrive.

As a part of that, looking after yourself (including allowing yourself enough down-time that you don't go mad with over-work) and also putting reasonable time and effort into your career, is a foundation which allows you to meet your children's needs and these things therefore are more important than wider concerns.

Only when the above things are fulfilled do you have time and energy left over for other things - be that the needs of the wider family, or other things like volunteering. Your grandmother and her other descendants do not get to demand that you place her desires for company as so important they over-rule everything else. You have to start saying no.

She can't be trusted to communicate an honest reason as to why she needs someone, therefore you have to start assuming that she is always lying, and stop going to her except for pre-arranged times that you can manage in balance with other calls on your time. It's tough because obviously she is old and frail and she could theoretically have a genuine problem but she will not be unaware of the story of the boy who cried wolf.

Shit, sorry, I've have nothing helpful to say other than that sounds awful and you are definitely not being unreasonable to find this difficult.

But I accidentally voted YABU while trying to scroll and I'd hate for you to be worried about 'why does someone think I'm being U' whilst you have all this proper stuff to worry about

Best of luck

Please please stop answering your phone. Make a regular arrangement to visit, and do so reliably.

It's harsh, but she has lost the ability to determine whether she really needs you or not. You have work, and children, and yourself to look after. She has other people who can help rather than you, your children don't.

That is so bloody hard, my heart goes out to you.