To be so worried about this?

[gypsywater]

Hello All,

Would be really interested in some objective opinions as to whether I am worrying unnecessarily about this? It's so hard to get perspective.

I am 36 and considering starting a family. However I am SO worried about the risk of ASD as my brother and father both have high functioning ASD and theyve had so many difficulties in their lives that I am really concerned about the possible genetic link. I dont have ASD and nor does my partner, but I assume that there must be a strong genetic component if both my brother and father have it?

I was also horrifically bullied in secondary school (by males) about my appearance (never my personality, luckily) that I also really fear that I will pass my features on and my child would be similarly bullied about them. This seems like it would be a cruel thing for me to do, knowing how much I suffered due to my features. Luckily my husband is very good looking. I am alright now as I have had a few surgery procedures etc.

Its getting me down as other than these two huge concerns I would like a child.

Thank you for any opinions.

My DH has ADHD and our eldest has autism and ADHD.. however my youngest doesn’t. Just because your DF and DB have it doesn’t mean your child will. I would personally go for it.

There are new studies emerging that older parents have a higher risk of having children with autism spectrum disorders. Just because you didn't like your features doesn't mean that your DC won't like them on themselves. If you really want children but are worried about the genetics why not look into adoption?

Even if your child ASD, you’ll notice the signs sooner and be able to get help sooner.

As for looking like you? My DS doesn’t look anything like me. He is quite simply a mini me of his dad

Adoption is definitely something else to think about. When you say older parents, would you say 36 is this or do you mean say 40+?

Also I had no problem at all with my features until I was bullied about them - I dont mind what my children look like, I just wouldnt want them facing abuse for them as this is a horrible experience.

I think you should first discuss how you feel with a GP and ask for a referral to counselling. FWIW there is no autism in either mine or exh's family for as many generations as we can know about and yet we have two dc with autism and exh's only sibling's only child has autism as well. Both me and SIL were younger than 36 when our children were born as were our husbands.

I have 2 children with autism despite no one in my family being diagnosed with it (or exes)

I guess it's impossible to tell what the probability would be that my child would have ASD. I just feel that it must somehow be higher than average with my father and brother both having it. But maybe I am wrong.

The sad truth about school bullies is that you can never protect against them just by looking a certain way. You'll often find people who are generally considered very attractive, movie stars and the like, say that they were bullied at school due to their looks. If a bully wants to bully someone they will pick on something that they see as a weakness and as soon as they see that it has hurt, that's the one they will stick with. So they make a comment about the shape of your mouth and you think it's ridiculous so barely acknowledge it. The next day they say your ears stick out, and you have a brief moment of hesitation whilst you think 'do my ears stick out?' and they see that brief flicker and they know this is something they can work on. So they do it a few more times and inside a couple of weeks you've gone from thinking you look perfectly normal to cringing every time you see yourself in a mirror, because even though your ears look the same as they always have, Bully says everyone talks about how sticky out your ears are, so it must be that they do stick out and you've just never realised.

That's how they work, it's all mind games.

I think there probably has never been a parent who hasn't looked at their beautiful baby and thought 'I love you so much, I can't bear the thought of you going to school where you might meet horrible people'. But don't let those feelings overwhelm you if you think you are ready to be a parent.

The 23&Me type genetic tests actually show up an ASD genetic mutation, so you could try that. I hadn't considered ASD for my daughter prior to seeing her results as she was very advanced hitting all her milestones, but she does have it. She is an absolutely amazing human being though & that is at least in part due to her ASD

@RockinHippy that's really interesting, thank you, had never heard of that before.
@isabellerossignol thank you for giving me some hope, I really would love to have a baby

None of us are guaranteed a 'perfect' child regardless of our genetics.

I think deciding to have a baby comes with accepting the risk that your child may be born with disabilities, health problems, or other significant challenges. You could end up with a beautiful neuro-typical child who turns out to have some sort of life limiting genetic condition requiring 24/7 medical care. No one knows, we all have to roll the dice.

YANBU for wanting the best for your future child, but while ASD can be hugely challenging a healthy child on the spectrum would be pretty low down on my list of potential genetic conditions to worry about.