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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I making a rod for my own back?

21 replies

PinkandWhiteCheckeredBlanket · 21/01/2020 09:28

DD is 5, has leg and foot problems so uses a pushchair if she’s tired. We have been told by Physio, GP and Orthopaedics not to force her to walk as we could do more damage.

She walks quite far considering the above, about half a mile which is roughly the distance to school. She sometimes needs a carry for the last little bit at the end of the school day but will manage say 4 days out of 5 (usually Thursdays and/or Fridays she’s carried)

For longer distances or if she’s been on a school trip I use the pushchair. Physio referred us to wheelchair services who gave us a Maclaran XT but she’s not yet grown out of her Silvercross Zest as that goes to 25kg so I tend to use that.

ExH who has regular contact with DD told the physio that DD will manipulate the situation to get out of walking. He refuses to take either of her pushchairs (I’d happily leave one with him so he always has access to one) and will allow her one 10 minute carry on his back otherwise she has to walk. He lives a mile from school and often walks it as there’s no parking and says she “manages fine” to walk it – she is generally exhausted after her time with him and usually pick her up in the car. He says I’m making a rod for my own back and being manipulated by a 5 year old. The Physio has said he’s entitled to his opinion but he could make her worse. The physio said if she wants to walk let her, if she doesn’t pushchair.

DD is a bit in and out of the pushchair, so she’ll walk for a bit, hop in for a rest, get out and walk, get in again etc. On a return walk from say an appointment she will sit in the pushchair more as she’s tired.

So my question is, am I making a problem for myself? Like if DD does get over her ankle and leg problems (we’re not sure how likely that is yet as it depends on treatment) and we get rid of the pushchairs will she want to be carried everywhere?

Basically AIBU to use the pushchair with a 5 year old?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/01/2020 09:30

No, YANBU. Your ex is being a pushy dickhead!

Use your common sense and follow your DD and the Phyio's lead!

Urkiddingright · 21/01/2020 09:32

The experts have told you not to force her to walk longer than she has to. I’m assuming your ex is no one of those experts so he’s just a ginormous dickhead.

Sexnotgender · 21/01/2020 09:36

Where did your ex gain his medical degree from?

Forgivenandsetfree · 21/01/2020 09:38

No definitely not, YNBU, your ex is. He has been informed by the physio that making her way too much now could lead to more problems later and yet he is still pushing her.
I would understand a bit more if.she was never walking and was trying it on a little and you were noticing it too but it seems to me that for whatever reason (embarrassment?) He's choosing not to take her pushchair/wheelchair with him. Poor DD, could be quite painful for her too if he's making her x

Whynosnowyet · 21/01/2020 09:38

If he isn't prepared to follow medical advice I wouldn't be letting dd go out with him.
Likely a court would agree with that.
Imo.

PinkandWhiteCheckeredBlanket · 21/01/2020 09:42

I can't stop her going as we have a CAO, I've been advised that if I stop contact even for medical reasons the courts could see me as using her medical issues to stop contact. I can't afford to go back to court over it last time we were in court for over 2 years and it cost me every time as the court fee was split between us both and I am still paying for it, so I have to hope he doesn't make her worse.

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 21/01/2020 09:45

Do you get on with his dps? Would showing them medical letters be any good? He is clearly just doing it to not comply with your wishes as he sees it.
My exh denied our ds had a medical issue. He looked a twat in court when I proved him wrong. He also thought rules didn't apply to him.

ChristmasSweet · 21/01/2020 09:46

You're asking if you should listen to your ex who isn't a doctor over a physio who is a trained professional? Hmm

Really?! Do you not see the stupidity there?

PinkandWhiteCheckeredBlanket · 21/01/2020 09:49

Do you get on with his dps? Would showing them medical letters be any good?

Unfortunately they side with him on everything and think I'm the one making her problems worse because I won't parent her.

You're asking if you should listen to your ex who isn't a doctor over a physio who is a trained professional?

No, I am asking if we get rid of the pushchairs when/if this problem resolves itself will DD want to be carried everywhere, aka should I be forcing the issue of walking or leave it as it is

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 21/01/2020 10:40

Ime dc with 2 homes do accept 2 sets of rules if you are consistent... Tell dd she can use the buggy with you but df (a twat) doesn't like her buggy.
She will figure him out before too long op.

greenlobster · 21/01/2020 11:13

I don't think you're making a problem for yourself at all, just go with the medical advice.

My dd used one of the maclaren buggies till she was about 7 or 8 (various medical issues). In my experience the medical professionals won't be shy about telling you if they think she should be walking more.

We didn't have any issues with ditching the buggy when it was time. The last year or so she was pretty fed up with it and avoided it as much as possible

ActualHornist · 21/01/2020 11:22

Maybe she is being manipulative. Who knows?

But also, who cares?! Medical professionals have said that she mustn’t be forced to walk if she’s tired. At 5, what problem could this possible cause if once or twice a week she’s in a pushchair or carried?

Your ex is either completely bull-headed over a FIVE year old’s health, or he’s embarrassed to use a pushchair with her.

Both circumstances he needs to get over himself and prioritise his daughter’s health and not his personal feelings.

PinkandWhiteCheckeredBlanket · 21/01/2020 12:08

We didn't have any issues with ditching the buggy when it was time. The last year or so she was pretty fed up with it and avoided it as much as possible

Thank you that's reassuring. DD does say stuff like "My friends don't have to use their pushchairs anymore but I have poorly legs so it's ok" and she does sometimes say she wishes she didn't have to.

OP posts:
UpToonGirl · 21/01/2020 12:17

He's being a dick.

Is she able to use a scooter at all? If so could that be an alternative?

You must feel very frustrated.

Crispyturtle · 21/01/2020 12:22

Not sure why you’re even questioning yourself, do you really think your untrained XH, who has pulled an opinion out of his arse, has a more accurate assessment of your daughter’s needs than someone with a professional qualification and experience in dealing with children with your daughter’s condition?

Ignore him, carry on.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 21/01/2020 12:23

Let your poorly girl use a pushchair. My completely healthy and quite active son hopped in his brothers pushchair on the way home from school up until he turned 5. He found a 2km walk there and back every day quite tiring.
Would your ex prefer to use a folding wheelchair with her rather than a pushchair?
Can you get her physio on board with getting him to use it?

NearlyGranny · 21/01/2020 12:32

When you worry about making a rod for your own back (did ex or his family say that of you?) by following medical advice, just consider the alternative.

Would you fiercely lock away the pushchair and force-march her everywhere, knowing it would make her condition worse? Of course not!

No, you're doing everything right. Ignore the noise from the other side of the family. You can't force ex to follow medical advice, but you can encourage your DD to speak up clearly and calmly when she's tired or hurting, not carry on until she's whiny or tearful.

If he's doing it to wind you up, DD might have an easier time of it if you simply refuse to engage or be goaded.

PinkandWhiteCheckeredBlanket · 21/01/2020 13:28

did ex or his family say that of you?

Ex said it but chances are his parents would agree.

OP posts:
greenlobster · 21/01/2020 13:35

If the issue with her legs is going to persist for a while it might be worth talking to her at some point about which pushchair she'd prefer to use. She may prefer to switch to the maclaren on the grounds that its 'for big children who have poorly legs, not babies'

Perhaps preface every comment to your ExH about walking/pushchairs with "The doctor said it's very important to..."

Helini · 21/01/2020 13:40

She's 5. Not some kind of master manipulator who has outsmarted medical professionals.

Id get her the wheelchair instead if the pram for ExDp. Maybe he doesn't want to be seen pushing a pram?

Damntheman · 21/01/2020 14:07

Ex is a dickhead.

And no I don't think you're making a rod for your own back by following the advice of medical professionals. I imagine when the time comes that she's improved or better she'll be so delighted to not have to sit in a pushchair anymore that it'll be no trouble at all to leave it behind!

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