What is your child's relationships like with their grandparents?

[bez91]

I'll keep this as brief as possible.

I was lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents up to being 25, I had a fantastic relationship with all of them. One set lived 2 hours away but all were fun, kind, loving, they'd look after me, siblings, cousins, take us to the park, come and watch school concerts etc etc what I'd consider to be a normal grandchild/grandparent relationship and did so much for me and to help my dad out when my mum died when I was a child.

My DD is 2, she has a fantastic relationship with my dad they really are best friends, he looks after her once a week and she worships the ground he walks on. He's silly and she finds him so much fun.

DHs parents are separated and remarried. The relationship between my DD and MIL is practically non-existent and I just find it strange... she lives about an hour away so we see her once a month. It's clear MIL loves the bones of her the way she talks to DH and me but she just doesn't seem to have forged a relationship with her. To be open, DH and me have had a frosty relationship with her due to previously spates of her telling lies and generally being not a very nice person. This would never affect our DD, nor would she ever be made aware of what has happened in the past. Just to summarise a few things to give a bit of context;

• We take it turns to go to one another's houses, MIL can drive but won't drive on the motorway so has to wait for her husband to be available to drive her. Suggested she get the train - she won't
• she is so standoffish with DD when she sees her, won't play with her, just talks to her like an adult then she gets upset like a child when DD doesn't want to hug her when we leave - it's because she doesn't know her
• won't barely acknowledge DD when we go to her house as she has jealous dogs 🤷‍♀️ she won't put her foot down with them, they must take priority
• she's never offered any sort of help with anything for DD from being born i.e nappy changes, feeding, just having her for 2 minutes so we can eat our dinner
• everytime we see her we just go out for something to eat, she wouldn't dream of suggesting we do something DD might enjoy, what 2 year old wants to spend all their time sat in restaurants? The only places she's spent time with her are at our houses or going out for food - boring for a 2 year old
• she'll then spend over £100 on her every birthday and Christmas and she every time she sees her buys her far too much chocolate etc. It almost seems like she's trying to buy her affection
• she will whine everytime she rings DH that she never sees DD but will not do anything about it

It's just mixed messages, being slightly personal she is pretty dull. But I just find it so so sad that the only female role model my DD has is me, she is the only biological grandmother DD has and I'd have thought she'd have seen that as an opportunity to have a close relationship with her but it seems not.

AIBU to think this is just not normal and a bit weird? How is your child's relationship with their grandparents?

X

My mil (and fil) lived less than 10 mins away yet they never visited. We moved an hour away and went nc.
Mil emailed her friends and told them we had cut her out of dc's life!!
When he was born she tried to pass off a gift box that was actually from her friend. That I had never met..

@whynosnowyet well you did cut her out if your life if you moved away and went NC!

Some people just aren't good with small children? Could it be that? I always loved older children but I'm crap with babies/toddlers (besides my own - I hope )

Before I had DC I was a little awkward with small kids, didn't know how to interact beyond the basics and never, ever would have volunteered to hold one and still wouldn't! It wasn't out of nastiness or disinterest, it was lack of experience/confidence.

I know obviously she's had children but presumably that was decades ago? In response to your actual question my mum is DD1s favorite person in the world. I didn't get my awkwardness from my mother as she is simply wonderful with children and has a beautiful relationship with my DDs. Sadly my DHs mum passed away before I met him.

Dh's side all brilliant, interested and loving. My side all talk but not interested really. It's all about dogs for them, not people.

My DS has a decent relationship with all 3 of his (FIL out of the picture). My mum loves him,buys him a lot and constantly asks about him/has him to stay. However she isnt brilliant with playing with him, doesnt get down on the floor etc.

My dad refuses to change nappies/get up early with him (so my step mum does) but is fun,will run around with him give him a bath etc.

MIL has been a tricky one. She favours her other grandson so doesnt spend that much time with him. I told her off and she has improved a bit. She is very good at getting down on his level and playing with him but is rarely free to babysit (almost always with other grandson).

So a mixed bag really. No one grandparent is perfect, hoping he gets a bit he needs from all of them.

Non of them see my kids . It’s sad as I feel my children do miss out on family . They only have me

Three have passed away but my mil is still alive. She always enjoys the kids when I bring them to her, but has never suggested getting together or coming to visit. She only came if invited and now i call to ask if I can bring them. We live a distance away now and she is late 80s, but even ten years ago when we lived 20mins away she never instigated anything. I've heard the same from one of her other sons - he is always surprised how she is so hands off, not acknowledging birthdays etc. That's just the way she is.

Only my parents still around & DD has a great relationship with them, particularly with DF. It’s lovely to see them together.

Some people just aren't good with small children?
I immediately relate to this. I'd never met a baby till I had my own and, naturally, had lots of fun with them growing up. But that was 30 years ago. Things change, ideas of how to bring up children change, even things that are available to children now (tech, TV in bedroom) much later weaning, the list goes on. I'm not sure I could hit the ground running.

With one grandmother it's always been a close and loving relationship. The other one he visits very reluctantly

They are very close to my parents, and both sets of my grandparents. Not so much my MIL. They enjoy seeing her but only see her once every two months and she never bothers so ask about them other then this. DH and her are not close - but she is a lovely woman just wasn’t the best mum growing up due to issues outside of her control.

Distant in both senses of the word. Their choice, not mine. It still upsets me that my now adult DC didn't have the close relationship with their grandparents that I did.

Great with mine, just as mine was with my maternal GPs. My partners parents on the other hand couldn’t give a fuck and make it very clear. No interest because ours are girls but are all over their grandsons. I’ve found it upsetting in the past but think I accept it now for what it is- their loss. They’re not nice people and you can’t force not nice people to be nice.

She has 5 cars and a driving licence..
We told her not to bother contacting us when we moved as she told a load of lies about us to anyone who would listen.

Pretty good all round so far, all adore him which helps but he is only 3 and not very demonstrative and still not very verbal so they don't have the running over in excitement screeching "Nanny!" relationship which I think they'd like but he just doesn't do that. We see my in-laws once or twice a month and my parents weekly mostly because my parents are closer. DS actually quite likes restaurants though so doesn't mind meeting up for lunch. Also been to beaches, farm parks, playgrounds etc with both sets.

I agree that grandparent relationships are important. I saw my maternal grandparents all the time, they did huge amounts of childcare when I was tiny, took me on holidays,I spent pretty much all my school holidays at their house. My Grandad has since died but I've just booked a holiday for my Nan, my 3 year old and myself in a couple of months, and since November I've been to a concert with her, we went away for her birthday, saw her at Christmas and spent DS's birthday with her.

Conversely my paternal grandparents had more grandchildren and less time so I saw them mostly at family things or for a lunch every couple of months plus I'd spend a week with them in the summer. I love them and help out with driving them to the odd appointment or the like, I actually offer a lot more than they accept and I try to take DS to see them once a month or so but it's a different relationship.

The relationship your MIL is building now will set the tone for the future but that is up to her really and maybe your MIL just doesn't really do babies? You say it's clear she loves you DD so maybe as she gets bigger it will get better, loads and loads of grandparents have similar relationships with their grandkids though, it doesn't sound like she is uncaring or disinterested!

Frankly I'd be limiting the contact your DD has with her. Given what you've described why ON EARTH would you want to expose your DD to more of this??
Yes in an ideal world etc but this is not an ideal GP you are describing.

You say yourself she lies, can be unpleasant, makes no effort, doesn't seem to understand what your daughter enjoys, prioritises her dogs etc etc etc ...!

My eldest has a good relationship with all of his bio grandparents and also my parents. My partner doesn’t speak to his parents and I have a harassment order against them so they can’t come in my property anyway. The middle one has a lush relationship with my parents and hates his nanna on his dads side but she still loves the bones of him. She does have 25 grandchildren though so stretched thin!! He loves his step mums mum too so all good there. My youngest only has my parents and she absolutely bloody adores them and demands to sleep over every weekend 🙈🙈

Sorry, 24 grandchildren. I just counted. Might have missed one though 🤣

My DS isn't all that interested in my mum at all. She was very critical when he was younger, didnt like me breastfeeding, said he was spoiled for feeding all the time etc.and then shes never really taken an active role. I'm not sure if shes worried that I'll get annoyed with her taking over but when I was heavily pregnant and DH working away it would have been nice to have someone offer to give him a bath or get pjs on or read a story. Neither of my parents have any idea of how to get him in his carseat..hes 3 now. My DS is very attached to me, he has always been on the clingier side and she made a stupid joke about him staying with her and me going on the bus home myself. His dad had just been sent to work away and we had moved house so I was his only constant and he was inconsolable.

On the other hand he is incredibly close to my MIL. She helped out with emergency childcare and would often be on the floor with him playing games or dancing silly with him.

I agree that grandparent relationships are important. I saw my maternal grandparents all the time

I never saw any of my grandparents as they all died before I was born. Likewise my parents died when mine were babies. There surely must be lots of children who grow up not having grandparents. Thankfully you don't miss what you never had, but I can see it has both positives and negatives here.

My parents live a 15 minute walk away.
We see them around 5 times a year on birthdays/Christmas.
They just aren’t interested in our children and are far too “busy” to meet up very often.
Their loss as I see it

I think you need to stop over analysing is, your daughter is 2. Why are you focusing on your MIL negatives , like others have said maybe she’s not great with little children. She clearly asks after her, and does try to shower her with gifts on special occasion. Maybe you’re allowing your judgment to spill over and she feels awkward around you.
Why don’t you organise a trip to the zoo , or park and invite her. Sometimes people forget about the types of activities you can do with young children.

How sociable is your 2 yo? In my experience a lot of modern toddlers grow up with screens (tends to happen a lot more when they don’t go to nursery / professional childcare) and are encouraged to opt out of family life. I know 2 yos that would be actively encouraged to ignore family in favour of TV / their Ipad - their parents won’t even ask them to say hello. Only you know what your child is like - but if she is shy / not social then their relationship will probably improve as she gets older

My kids had 3 grandparents and non of them were interested.
My kids never say anything about it but it does make me feel quite sad when my friends talk about how involved their parents are with their kids