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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt at Friend and DP

24 replies

Breezy123 · 20/01/2020 17:32

Hi there, I'm looking for some feedback/opinions on my current situation. In a relationship with estranged dp for over 3 years. Over the New Year we fell out over his ex wife who was not prepared to come and go a little over his share of the childcare duties of his 13 yo dd, bearing in mind he'd had her for a week spanning the previous weekend. It was his birthday and we had arranged to go out for a meal. She in her usual fashion "flew off the handle" and he in his usual fashion relented as he didn't want to upset her.

But, this is the real reason I'm seeking advice. Within just over a week of our split he was on a dating site whilst bombarding me with texts and facebook messages swearing his undying love for me and how his life was falling apart without me! In the meantime my close friend/neighbour of 8 years whom I thought I could lean on for emotional support seemed reluctant to listen to me talk. She just shrugged her shoulders and said "you need both your heads banging together". In the past when she has come to me with her problems I have been there with a shoulder to cry on, advice and support. She came to my house, seemingly for a "catch up" and I asked her if she had seen my dp about town as it's quite a small community. She said she had "bumped" into him the day before whilst he was out on his bike. It now transpires that this was a pre-arranged cycle ride instigated by her, with him spilling his heart out to her, so she blatantly lied to my face about it being a chance encounter. My friend is happily married so I don't think there is anything going on. When I challenged dp on this his reply was "she didn't tell you because she didn't want to upset you". This has had the total reverse affect on me and they both know I'm not the jealous type. Dp thinks I shouldn't get upset with my friend as she "hasn't done anything wrong". So what I'm asking is, AIBU in not wanting my so called friend in my life anymore? Was it okay for her to ask dp to go for a bike ride and keep it quiet from me? Was it okay for her to listen to him pour his heart out but just shrug me off?

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/01/2020 17:34

She's been put in an awkward situation. I feel sorry for her.

ConstanceSalinger · 20/01/2020 17:35

She is NOT your close friend. You have listened to her woes and she refused to listen to yours as she had already chosen her "side" with your ex partner. Don't trust her motives or opinion. It wasn't necessarily a romantic choice she made, but a definite one.

ConstanceSalinger · 20/01/2020 17:36

You're calling him DP, are you now back together?

Bluntness100 · 20/01/2020 17:38

I think the fact she doesn't wish to listen to your side indicates she's his friend not yours, I'm sorry.

freeingNora · 20/01/2020 17:40

Ooh he loves a good triangulation doesn't he first the ex wife and now the not so neighbourly neighbour you've had a lucky escape time to wean yourself off of these users and get a new life

notanotherjigsawpiece · 20/01/2020 17:42

She's been put in an awkward situation. I feel sorry for her.

How so? She’s the one who arranged the cycling trip with OP’s (ex?) partner

TopOftheNaughtyList · 20/01/2020 17:44

Within just over a week of our split he was on a dating site

Not the behaviour of someone who has been with you for three years and who professes undying love to you! This would upset me more than the fact he'd been on a bike ride with the NDN.

icannotremember · 20/01/2020 17:45

If this were a novel I think we'd all be giving it poor reviews for being so utterly predictable.

Get rid of them lot of them and move on.

UnnecessarilyUpset · 20/01/2020 17:46

She hasn't been put in an awkward position because she arranged to go on that cycling trip.

OP it sounds like she prefers his friendship more than your own. I wouldn't blame you for keeping things polite and brief going forward.

Glassmami · 20/01/2020 17:48

Fair enough if she's friends with him and wanted to support you both but the fact she lied to you about it is really shady!

sonjadog · 20/01/2020 17:49

I think she sees herself as his friend more than your friend.

Greenkit · 20/01/2020 17:50

I would be getting rid, totally easy if you don't have kids together.

I would give her the heave ho too, she is not your friend.

100% she fancys him

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/01/2020 17:50

I meant that she's got both of them talking about the relationship to her.

The fact that she's gone off cycling with the ex shows that they're friends too and maybe he talks to her more than OP realises.

She shouldn't have gone to OP to cry on her shoulder but it is still a bit awkward when she's got the ex talking to her and then OP. Not saying that it's OP's fault.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/01/2020 17:51

@UnnecessarilyUpset maybe she thought it was just going to be cycling rather than the ex offloading his problems with OP onto her.

Just seems to me that she's closer to him than her so OP should step back and leave her to it.

TheVanguardSix · 20/01/2020 17:51

Your DP is the issue here, OP. Don't lose focus. There's nothing 'dear' about him. If you want to project your anger onto your friend, by all means, go ahead. But that won't solve your real problem which is this: You're in a shitty relationship that's messing with your head. Life's short. Don't waste your life on time bandits.

Original poster

Breezy123 · 20/01/2020 17:57

No we're not back together. This is my first post ever online so please bear with me

OP posts:

Supersimkin2 · 20/01/2020 18:02

OP, this is awful for you.

Your ex doesn't deserve you - you're well out of it. Neither is your neighbour a friend, really.

Don't waste your life, move on.

EKGEMS · 20/01/2020 18:03

WhenIsnappedandfarted Mores the pity for that response

Ponoka7 · 20/01/2020 18:04

Perhaps she's sick of listening to this, when you need to finish it for good?

He likes to minimise and tell you how to feel about things, doesn't he?

Why are you carrying on the relationship? You're just looking for constant drama.

ButtonandPickle19 · 20/01/2020 18:10

OP - it sounds like you and DP are having some issues and you might not be sure of your neighbours intentions. The end of a 3 year relationship is massively emotional and I bet your feelings are much less rational than normal. Maybe she organised to see him to find out what was going on from his side so she could support you both? I imagine you would like to find a way to make it work and perhaps she would too.. and maybe made a pigs ear of how she’s doing it?

Maybe ask your neighbour why she lied and met up with him?

As for DP and relenting to his ex, many men are scared of their ex’s when it comes to children. The fact that she flew off the handle about him making his own plans and usually does this says a lot about how she views him and his needs. Yes he needs to stand up to her, yes it was would be ridiculously annoying but no that’s not unusual. You just need to talk with him calmly about what you need from him in relation to her and if he can’t do it then move on?

Qwerty543 · 20/01/2020 18:13

She doesn't want you to talk to her about it because she is after him or something is already going on.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2020 18:13

She's not a neighbour. She's supposed to be a friend!

(She's not)

BaolFan · 20/01/2020 18:16

No, fuck her off.

If she comes buzzing round again I'd tell her that you aren't interested in talking to her. Tell her that it's hurtful you spent years listening to her problems and being a supportive shoulder but she can't return the favour. And that the final straw is being lied to - she can cycle with who the fuck she likes, but if you can't trust your BF to be straight with you then she's clearly no friend.

Bubs101 · 20/01/2020 18:26

This is why you have to be really careful about involving friends in martial problems. I don't have any advice OP i'm sorry. But I find the best thing to do is compartmentalise relationships, mutual friends are great, but if your going to start spilling all the details, do it too a friend who isn't DP's friend too, and who has no real relationship to them. I have lots of female friends who know my DP very casually but their real friendship lies with me.

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