So confused how I feel about my life

[mayneverhappen]

First time posting - I don’t share these thoughts with anyone so welcome hearing what others think.
Been at home with my children for many years. Youngest child disabled, recent sad diagnosis, health declining but thankfully very happy in themselves.
I am just so sad. Sometimes feel I should be doing more - contributing to household income, ambitious, go getting, making something of my life, setting an example to my kids - but I’m not. I’m sure some friends wonder what I do all day. Unfortunately my early life was not so good so I’m just very grateful for the happy family I have now. Not well off but ok as cut cloth accordingly. Most days I am just so sad about my child and nothing else matters. Nothing could make my life any better ( apart from a long future with my disabled child) so why bother??
My other kids are doing well and husband has a secure job. He is happy to have me at home as it takes pressure off him for hospital appointments etc.
I’m not depressed, I have very close family experience of severe depression so know I’m not.
I just want to feel happy in myself that day to day my family are ok and I can just relax and make the most of everyday doing the best I can for them. I don’t want to feel I’m lazy but am I? Aibu being hard on myself or should I try and force myself to be more like everyone else.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're at home looking after your child, who needs you to be with him. Your husband is happy with that and it's noone else's business. Perhaps you could arrange to do something for yourself maybe once a week, like a class what could just be for you, might make you feel more fulfilled x

Don't be so hard on yourself! You have plenty to deal with and it sounds like you are doing really well and have forged a happy family life despite your circumstances. That counts as an achievement! And who are all these people who are go-getting and making something of their lives -not most of us! Let's face it, all of us reading Mumsnet have time to waste!

Depression in different for everyone remember.

Thank you for your positive comments. Everybody is so busy these days and I’m not! Guess I have to keep telling myself that is fine that I’m here where I need to be. So often hospital appointments come up or I need to research treatments and support services and it’s good that I have the time to do that.
Maybe I am depressed but if that’s the case it has been for years! Sticking my head in the sand works for me. I don’t talk about this with anyone because I know if I start I will cry and feel like never stop. I am scared that talking will make me even more sad. Same reason why I don’t access any support groups for particular disability as I just find it too hard.