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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Letting kids play out unsupervised

17 replies

Snugglemonster84 · 20/01/2020 16:13

Hi there. I know everyone has different views on this but I'd like to see what other parents are doing with children the same age as mine.
My son is 8 and a half. We live in a cul de sac ( no other children live in the street). We live on a housing estate (1960s) a mixture of houses and bungalows with quite a busy road running through the middle.

My son has been wanting to play out more and more. For the last 2 summers I've allowed him out in the street on his scooter/bike and i would potter about in the front garden. During the winter he didn't go out.
His friends often come up here for play dates or he goes to theirs where they play computer games or in the gardens.
His best friend lives on the same estate as us, and his mum has recently started to allow him out unsupervised around the estate. He's been calling for my son and I have been letting him out most of the time but ask them to stay in our cup de sac and I keep an eye on them through the window. The other week he was invited down to his friends house to play. After a few hours it was getting dark and i messaged and rang his mum to collect but no answer so I walked down to get him. They weren't there. I walked around the estate and found my son and his friend on their scooters about 5 streets away. My son had fallen off his scooter and hurt his elbow and they were lost. I was really angry about this as I had presumed they would be playing in the boys house, not out unsupervised. My husband was furious and has said he can't go out again. Of course my son is very angry about this. Are we being too strict or should we allow him more independence now? Over the upcoming summer I know he is going to want to be out all the time. I also have a 6 year old daughter who gets upset when he goes out because she can't without me

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2020 16:20

I would not be happy about what happened with your son at all. An 8 year old needs more supervision than that, obviously not hovered over, but 5 streets away is not on.

FlashingFedora · 20/01/2020 16:28

Too strict. But really it depends on how sensible the child is. Plus independence has to be gradual. Mine was allowed out unsupervised from around 7 and a half (with friends), but initially no further than the end of our road and popping back every 30 minutes to check-in. The distance and time gradually increased as he proved himself sensible and trustworthy. He's 11 now and is still very good at keeping me in the loop when out and about with friends. I do have a tracking app on his phone, mainly in case he loses it but if i haven't heard from him in a while and I can check and see where he is. I think you just have to have some ground rules.

Original poster

Snugglemonster84 · 20/01/2020 16:28

I'm glad it's not just me that thinks that. I have sent her a message today to discuss plan going forward of when they can play rather than him just turning up unannounced. I should add my son is also on the spectrum. He is very mature but is very sensitive and a small thing is huge to him and he will sulk for a whole day about something such as me telling his friend no

OP posts:

Original poster

Snugglemonster84 · 20/01/2020 16:29

I'm very happy to let them play in our street unsupervised.

OP posts:

Arthritica · 20/01/2020 16:32

Agree with your son that he won’t leave the cul de sac when playing out.
Then let him play with his friend.

InOtterNews · 20/01/2020 16:33

This is me when I was growing up - cul de sac and all. The rule in our house was that I had to be in shouting distance (mainly so Mum could shout us in for our dinner). If I was going round to a friends house I would have to tell my Mum and it was agreed between parents who would be the one within shouting distance. As I got a little older there was a block of flats with play area behind our house where we were allowed to play with friends - but as it was also within shouting distance

Areyoufree · 20/01/2020 16:34

YANBU. I would not have been happy with that at all. Had his friend's Mum just let them go out alone, together? I like my 8 year old to be in sight pretty much all of the time.

Brazi103 · 20/01/2020 16:34

Yanbu at all. At 8yo he is still a very young child that could easily forget being sensible and get carried away. I wouldn't allow it either. Dont let an 8yo dictate what you should be doing.

Reginabambina · 20/01/2020 16:37

I had a friend who was allowed to go out unsupervised growing up. I used to love going to her house because of it. In hindsight it was very dangerous, we could have had a bad fall, been bitten by a snake, abducted etc (we used to play in bushland for context) and her mother wouldn’t have thought to check up on us until one of my parents arrived to collect me.

Hoik · 20/01/2020 16:40

It depends on the child.

My 10yo who is autistic can't play out unsupervised as he has a tendency to wander, no sense of danger, and doesn't recognise social boundaries so is very vulnerable, not that anyone calls on him very often anyway. We are working on building his independence so I engineer opportunities for him to play out "unsupervised" while still supervising him such as letting him go to the park around the corner (my mum lives overlooking it so keeps a sneaky ear/eye on him), or like you do I potter on in the garden while he plays in the street, I let him go to the football pitch or tennis courts while I play with his younger siblings in the play area so I can see him if I look across but I'm not actually "with" him.

8yo DD who is very sensible and matter plays out unsupervised. She knows not to go any further than xxx street in one direction and xxx street in the other, to be careful on the roads, and not to go off with anyone, she also knows to pop back periodically to check in with me.

Younger DS, very recently turned 6yo, is also autistic but cut from a totally different cloth to DS1. I don't let him out unsupervised as such but he plays in the street with me keeping an eye on him and he has a friend who lives around the corner that I let him go call on, I message the mum when he's on his way and they either play at her house or he brings his friend back with him and they play here.

UndertheCedartree · 20/01/2020 16:44

I think letting him play out in the cul de sac is a reasonable plan. He is a little young to be going further afield. My DC play out on our quiet street. Before 6yrs I always supervised but my youngest is 7 now and I just take a peek everything is ok every now and again. She has to come and ask me if she wants to go in a friend's house so I know where she is. My eldest started going to the corner shop alone at 8 but there are no roads to cross. He is coming up to 13 now and sometimes takes his DSis with him. 10+ my eldest started going a bit further but had a mobile phone for his 10th birthday so we could stay in touch.

purpledingyoverboard · 20/01/2020 16:48

My eldest is 8.5 and has been playing out unsupervised since last summer. He knows where he can go to the top shop, around the three streets and down to the bottom field. If his friends go further he comes back home. There are always quite a few kids he plays with. He even goes to the shop if I run out of milk. If you trust your son why not let him go out a little further every couple of months?

Rosebel · 20/01/2020 17:28

While I think the other mum allows too much independence you sound rather strict. You said that you watch him even when he's playing in your street. You need to start giving him a bit of independence.
I think before your son sees this boy you and the other mum need to agree ground rules about how far they can go and what time they need to be home.
It's unfortunate the first time your son went further afield he ended up lost and hurt. Obviously that's going to make you anxious but I would try and build up allowing him out without feeling the need to watch from the window.

TheBigFatMermaid · 20/01/2020 17:36

8 with SN is too young to play unsupervised!

I didn't let my DC out at that age, mainly because DD is pretty wild (I suspect ADHD) and DS is just daft!

I think I started letting DD out at 9 ish but she has to stay with a certain area! We live really close to the park, so that was included in the area. We gradually increased it and now she is 14, she catches a bus 20 miles to college and 26 miles to go to her boyfriends!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/01/2020 18:28

Mine didn’t play out unsupervised at 8. I was more than happy to host friends in the home and garden so it was never an issue. I dislike them playing in the street so it was either the garden or we went to the playground etc.

BronteSisters · 20/01/2020 18:42

It all about the area and the child himself. Around our village it is completely normal to see children who aren't even 5 yet playing with friends and no adults on the common/park opposite our houses. Children age 6+ can and do walk to and from school if they live close by the school (up to about 3 streets away).
Age 7+ some are allowed to roam a very large area of the village. My own son is allowed to call for his friend on the other side of the village and vice versa. They're 7 years old.

If I lived where my DSis does though mine would be allowed on the street outside the house and no further. Location is key.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2020 18:52

I'd insist your child plays in your street only for now. If his friend is allowed to roam, he'll be allowed to play in your street too.

Unfortunately the 6yr old will just have to learn it's not yet age appropriate for her, until you decide it is.

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