to expect my dp to at least acknowledge me when I am talking?

[hurricane]

Got home from work today (dp still on holiday with the kids) and after making him a cup of tea talked to him about changes at work which might mean me taking on extra hours. He didn't respond in any way even by nodding or grunting. I'd tried to talk about it yesterday and got no response then either. It's not the subject that he was ignoring just me and he does this regularly. When I said, 'Oh right, very interesting Hurricane,' to try to prompt him to say SOMETHING he accused me of making a big deal of nothing and we ended up having a big row about the fact that he seems to take no interest in my life and actually just doesn't seem to care about me at all. Me taking on more hours would have a significant impact on the whole family by the way since it might mean him picking kids up from school an extra day but would also mean more money but to be honest even if I was talking about something really boring and trivial I would expect him to at least try to engage in conversation. Is this unreasonable? His argument was that he was busy making tea (putting veg in a pan) which makes me feel less important than a frozen pea. I know men are famously bad about multi-tasking but there are often times when he doesn't respond to me when he's not doing anything else. And I'm not usually a witterer eithr (except on this post!). Opinions please.

did someone say something?

sorry

my dp is the same too.

different perspective: if you are home all day with kids being supportive and caring it can be difficult to switch into caring and supportive partner mode when all you wnt to do is scream at last you are home, you look after kids` while I totally switch off

my dp does this all the time......he then makes up a big story that i have been telling him , i dont even stress about it anymore.

I totally understand that Hector and I've been in that position (at home with kids) much more often than dp has and I still make a point of at least acknowledging that he is talking and usually take a genuine interst in what he has to say. Sometimes he ignores me even when the kids are in bed and there's nothing else going on. And it's not like he's had a really hard day. The kids were playing on their own upstairs and my mum had been around to help him all day!

Sometimes dp tries to justify ignoring me by talking about all the things he HAS done but I don't care about most of these. Is it really too much to ask of your partner to acknowledge your existence and listen to you? I get a response from the lollipop lady, my colleagues, the wino down the road when I talk to them so why can't he respond in a vaguely civil way. End up wishing I was back at work because I feel more valued there.

so let me get this straight:

you accept he's probably unable to communicate after the mind-numbing day with children

but you feel you know better because you've done the childcare thing too and when you do you handle it much better

when he does try to tell you what he's done you don't care because its dull

I'm not negating that he should listen to you and acknowledge your presence, I'm sure that's really frustrating, but I think you might have to see the other side too - and maybe put some work in on your relationship?

no, no, no, i didn't explain myself very clearly. When i said dp justifies not listening to me by listing all the other things he has done for me or the family. So a conversation might go like this,

me: I feel hurt that you seemed to just totally ignore what I've just been saying which happens to be something really important to me and to us as a family.

dp: well i did put a load of washing on and i did some decorating last week.

Not to say that I don't appreciate the kind and helpful things that dp does do (and I tell him that I do regularly) just that that doesn't mean it's any less hurtful when he gives a frozen pea more attention than me for example.

And dp had absolutely not had a mind numbing day with the kids. My mum had helped him with them for most of the day, then he took them to a play centre where they played and he drank coffee and read the paper, then he came home and they played on their own upstairs, then I came home while they were still upstairs just after 3 pm and made him a cup of tea.

And this was not just a one off. I'd actually tried to talk to him about the same issues the previous evening when kids were in bed. Plus this has happened before when we've both been on holiday and when we've both been at work. The fact that he'd been at home with the kids had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he ignored me while i was talking.

I do care what dp does and things and even when he talks about stuff that's not exactly thrilling to me (i.e. football) I at least engage in conversation and appreciate that this is stuff which is important to him. Is it really unreasonable to expect the same back?

If a man's not looking at you, he ain't listening either. Remember this and save time. They can only do one thing at once you know. Well actually, two things. These are: (1) whatever they are doing and, (2) thinking about sex.

Maybe that's true fossil. I think the thing that most upset me is that when i made the point that i wanted dp to listen to me (quite calmly) he blew up and told me I was making something out of nothing so undermining me even further instead of just saying, 'Oh sorry, I'm listening now, what were you saying?' So the whole situation escalated into a full scale row where I accused him of just not caring about me.

If I spoke this sentence to my dh:

"I feel hurt that you seemed to just totally ignore what I've just been saying which happens to be something really important to me and to us as a family."

• he would glaze over after the first few words.

Or perhaps you're paraphrasing...

I hate to say that sometimes my dh bores the hell out of me when he is telling me soemthing about work. On the other hand I also bore the hell out of him on the same subject. However, if either of us had something to say that was important and would make a difference to our situation then we would definitely listen to each other. Also neither of us are rude enough to ignore each other. I think you should tell him that you will go ahead and sort the work situation out to suit yourself being as he is too ignorant to acknowledge what you are saying.

I am glad to read that other people have DP's who can zone out too, to such an extent that they then ignore you. My DP does this regularly and yes, I find it frustrating. When it gets too much I just tell myself that he is probably somewhere along the ASD spectrum - as we all are somewhere! - and that he is doing the best he can. It doesn't make him any easier to talk to but it does avoid the rows!

But dp would listen and respond to anyone else who was talking to him (colleagues, friends, random strangers talking about the weather) so why is ok for him not to offer this basic politeness and civility to the one he supposedly loves above all others? I'm not asking for rapt attention and him to say, 'Oh, how interesting darling,' just the occasional, 'Oh, right,' and the odd question would do.

This used to piss me off cos we would have conversations that he wouldnt remember.

I caught him zoning out one day and asked what he was thinking about - he said he was making up cricket teams in his head

He honestly doesn't mean to piss me off so when i want him to really listen I say "I want you to really listen and I want a response to what I'm going to say"

I have to say that if I'm reading a book sometimes I can't hear anything - I know its not quite the same but it is in the sense that I am in my own internal world

Also women generally talk a lot more (10,000 plus words to mens 2000) so they're not used to this much conversation

Women talk more than men? Not according to recent research,

www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=9D97CA85-E7F2-99DF-374622AAD8C33548

Thi nk it's just one of those myths that helps men or patriarchal society justify their devaluing of what women have to say or as in my dp's case just bloody ignoring it.
Apparently in mixed gender groups men are more likely to talk more, set the agenda and interrupt too.

I think your strategy of asking dp to listen before I speak may be a good one though laurie. willt ry it out.

Hmmm, wonder if that's because are 'competing' in mixed groups for female attention/be leader of the pack etc.

What I was thinking of was whether men actually say more words in a typical day.

Anecdotally I know I talk way more than my husband

and the phone bill's all mine too

While I've been letting off steam on Mumsnet, dp took himself off for a walk. He's come back with chocolate biscuits so all is forgiven.

Very grateful for all your replies though. Conversation is so nice isn't it!

i think the main issue is only being able to concentrate on one thing at atime,even if it is frozen veg.

i used to get really wound up when dp wouldnt listen to me about important things and just stared at his pc.now if i need to tell him/talk to him about something important i say 'i need to talk to you about something,can you let me know when it's convienient please'.

what annoys me is when i talk to him about something that isnt important,for eg a funny thing ive read on MN or something thats in the news,he says 'i dont care,stop going on' or words to that effect.yet i stand there for ages listening to him witter on about fecking World of Warcraft or whatever shite hes playing,being interested and asking questions etc.

men!

Well men are like this. DH is going slightly deaf, I know, but he is stone deaf when it comes to me.

you're not alone. i can be talking to dh and he'll go yep, yep, i'll say what did i just say and he'll have no idea. either that or like your dh, a total silence. it is the single most frustrating thing about him.

Glad I'm not alone. I think the problem is made worse by the fact that we're both teachers so I'm used to making sure I'm listened to by kids who are relative strangers. It therefore seems particularly galling that my own dp can't be bothered to lsiten to me when I get home! and he should know better cos he's a teacher too.

My hubby's a teacher too - I think when he comes home he's reached the limit of listening

What can I say [whispers] you're limits higher than his

Probably Laurie.

Another problem we have is sometimes still using our teacher voices when we get home especially when we've just gone back to work after the long holidays. We have to remind each other to turn down the volume!