AIBU to not confront lying friend?

[judithandholofernes]

We have had a friendship of over 15 years and were very close when we house shared. She is great fun and I would consider her to be a good friend that I can confide in.

My only problem is she cannot stop lying. The lies are big and unnecessary. I have only confronted her once on a lie - which she denied and then I awkwardly just left it!

We had booked a holiday cottage for our families to share. A week before DF contacted me to say that she had booked the wrong dates off of work and could not go. I knew this was not true as she is a very intelligent professional and would have had to book her holiday days off before we booked the cottage. It was also over my birthday so no other dates had been discussed. I didn’t believe her as the week after our trip was her best friends 30th birthday celebrations in another county. DF took the week off to attend these. If she had said this to me I might have been hurt but the lying irritated me more.

She missed my 30th birthday saying her mother booked a surprise trip to London for her. Again this seemed strange. It later turned out that her on/off boyfriend had invited her to his sisters wedding in London that weekend. Again I wouldn’t have minded the truth - why lie?

Recently we had a family death. Spoke to DF about the funeral arrangements on the phone and also screenshot the details by text. DF text after the funeral to say she had booked the wrong day off of work. I didn’t answer the message as I hate when she elaborates on lies - I feel like I’m trapping her with the details. I also don’t want her to think that I believe her. It turned out she did have another day booked off to go shopping that week. This one has hurt me as she is keeping up the lie even though I haven’t replied to the messages about it.

AIBU to let a grown woman tell stupid lies? I hate the confrontation as she will deny it. But I hate the thoughts of her thinking I’m a fool That believed her?

Why would you NOT confront her? Tell her she's talking shite and needs to buck her ideas up. Allude to her so-called professionalism, and tell her it isn't a believable excuse when she says she keeps booking the "wrong day" off work.

Yabu to keep being friends with her. There’s no loyalty or trust in the friendship so what is the point? She’s obviously completely selfish and uses lies to avoid saying ‘actually I’ve had a better offer’. Can’t believe she ditched the holiday after it had been booked. That would have been the end of the friendship for me.

Remove her from your life. She only cares about herself and doesn't give a shit about you. It may be painful to hear but it's the truth.

Just back off from her for a while. Shes sketchy because she can get away with it. She doesn't value your time. Leave her to it.

Remove her from your life. She only cares about herself. She’s a shit friend.

I have a friend that tends to do this.. just small white lies that make life smoother for her but means i dont trust half of what she says anymore. Just little fabrications to make things easier in the moment but then details never add up later. Its draining and I got tired of dealing with it and did back off about a year ago, we are still friends but not as much as before.

I have someone who I thought was a friend like this in my life. Of course the rational move is to confront them on the lie but I started to feel really lost about what was true and what was false with her and realised that her lying seems to permeate most of what we do together so I am backing off. I genuinely don't know if she knows what she is doing or not, but she has kids and she does it with them too, just twists things slightly or doesn't give the full story, and I am done really and have had to back off as it's too much of a head fuck for me.

YANBU to not want to confront about the lies.

But why don’t you ask her why she doesn’t want to spend time with you? Or just back off and just have a coffee with her every now and again. She clearly doesn’t prioritise you at all, yet she’s been invited to multiple important events with you and lied to attend something else every single time.

YANBU to choose not to confront her. She'll just lie her way out of it and you'll end up backtracking. But if I were you I would just stop bothering tbh. She's doesn't seem to be a good friend.

Does she have mental health issues? Compulsive lying can be symptomatic of conditions such as borderline personality disorder.

Next time she starts to arrange something with you, tell her there's no point as she will either double-book, or make one of her mysteriously frequent mistakes about what dates she has booked.

Tell her you're amazed she has never stopped to consider how her lying & carelesness hurts your feelings, & if she doesn't want to see you she should just be truthful & say so, because you are fed up with being messed about.

If she cares about you, she will apologise & you can discuss & agree how she can treat you with more consideration.
If she does not, she will blame you for being "too sensitive" or similar blame-avoiding bollocks, lie to you that she is not a liar, & get huffy - & at that point at least you'll know that she's not actually your friend, & can save yourself any further hurt & let downs.

I agree there is no point in confronting her, unless you have cast iron proof (eg when she said she had a surprise trip to London and maybe later pooped in in social media pics at a wedding) she will just lie, and even if you do have proof she is likely to try and twist things (eg say her mum did surprise her with a trip to London and when they got there her mum got ill and had to go home and then her bf asked to go to the wedding and there wasnt enough time to contact you etc etc etc).

Just back off and only invite her to things that doesnt inconvenience you if she cancels.

Wow seems like you come way down her list of priorities. It's less about the lies, and more about the fact she drops you like a stone if she gets a better offer - be it boyfriends/other friends/shopping trips etc. Fuck that, I'd not bother inviting her anywhere again.

Had you paid a deposit for the holiday cottage? Did you end up paying the whole amount for just your family? I'd be fuming

She does have mental health issues @WorldEndingFire I didn’t think to connect the two issues.

In the past she has told me about lies to others she planned to tell. For example a mutual friends wedding that she did not want to attend. She had a very valid reason to not go where an ex would be there. But instead wanted to message the week of the wedding saying she was ill. I asked her not too - the truth would be sufficient.

Her lies are more complicated than they need to be. Usually the truth is reason enough which is why it frustrates me.

It won’t do either of you any good to just go along ignoring these lies .
They’re not just lies ,there’s something deeper than that and it needs to be brought to the forefront .
I don’t understand why you’d just go along with it knowing she’s lying to your face , she’s not a good friend

You don't need a mh excuse to be shoving your friend to the back of the queue.
And that's what she has been doing op.
Back away imo.

YABU to carry on this friendship

'Her lies are more complicated than they need to be. Usually the truth is reason enough which is why it frustrates me.' Exactly what you said here.

I think you should send her a message, "Not again! Stop fucking lying."

She is not your friend!!
You are there for her when it suits.
Nothing more

@TheReef she paid her share of the holiday cottage. I could have found another family to share but I didn’t try at such short notice.

Tbh I know that she ditches me when a better offer comes up. Most of the time I don’t mind though if she was more honest. I am not the only person she tells these lies to. It is when she has a valid excuse she likes to find a more elaborate (and unbelievable) one!

Compulsive lying can be symptomatic of conditions such as borderline personality disorder

Whilst compulsive lying may be related to mental health issues I've worked for years with patients with borderline PD and its not one of the traits.

Does she lie about every single thing or just when you've arranged stuff? If it's only re social stuff I'd be thinking she's less invested in the friendship but hasn't got the balls to let it die. If it's every single thing in every conversation, I'd think it's something compulsive & deeper like self esteem issues or a coping strategy that worked when she was in some bad situation.

OP your question is are you being unreasonable not to confront her. Tbh that's up to you. But I couldn't keep up the friendship - I'd have cracked and said something a long time ago (and probably let the 'friendship' die away).