Mum's death anniversary

[LefttoherownDevizes]

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mum's death. Although she left when I was little we did have a relationship especially through the last few years of her life, DH and the kids all knew her and saw her as often as possible (3 or 4 times a year as she lived 3 hours away).

Not one person wished me well, asked if I was OK yesterday? Step mum, dad, DH etc. Only her husband. DH got up and left at 6am tomorrow to spend the day with a friend.

I keep bursting into tears today, one as I am sad about my mum and two as I am sad that no one remembered or asked if I am OK. AIBU?

PS - DH did mention this morning that he was sorry he forgot yesterday. Only as he saw my half brother's IG post remembering her

Sorry for terrible grammar and wrong words

I am very sorry for your loss, OP. I also lost my mum a few years ago and I was absolutely devastated. Having said that, I didn't expect anyone to ask me if I was OK on the anniversary of her death. Have you asked your siblings, father etc if they are OK?

Sorry for you loss. How people handle grief is very personal and of course YANBU to be upset about her loss. However, given that she left when you were little and only saw her a few times per year, people maybe don’t realise you were as close to her as you obviously feel?

I am truly sorry for your loss, but expecting people to remember the date of your mother's death just doesn't work, I'm afraid. The date is very important to you, of course, but not to others. Remember, it's nothing to do with their feelings for you.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP, but in the gentlest possible way, you can't expect other people to remember death anniversaries or to observe them if they do. I've lost both of my parents - one when I was a child, the other three years ago - and tbh I'd have probably been amazed if anyone had remembered the anniversaries!

If it was important to you not to be alone on the anniversary, you should have just asked your husband to spend the day with you.

YANBUto be upset but YABU to think people are likely to remember the date. Just talk to them and ask for/offer support.

It’s my mums first anniversary tomorrow and I know that nobody will mention it except possibly my brother. This sort of thing is just generally not on people’s radars, try not to take it personally

I am really surprised. I remember the date DHs mum died, her birthday etc and expected at least my dad who was married to her for years and who had me with her to remember, I genuinely don't think that is weird.

I'll take results of the poll though

It won't matter as much to anyone else as it does to you. Both my parents have gone and I miss them desperately every day.

But I have to remind my DH and DSs when the anniversaries come around, so they understand my low mood.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with the other posters. It’s a date that’s etched into your heart and mind, but it’s not likely to be remembered by others. I think if you want thoughts and support on that day (which I completely understand you may want/need) then you need to remind people as it’s coming up.

They may be avoiding the topic as they don't wish to make you feel even sadder, or as other posters have said, the date is not etched into their mind in the same way as it is in yours.
It is a sad time, and people can still get embarrassed about drawing attention to a sad memory. Would you feel better if you brought her name up in a positive way? A big bouquet of her favourite flowers, and if anybody asks why, tell them of your fond memories?
At our Christmas gathering, we still light a candle in memory of a young relative who died before his time, and some would consider this morbid, but it's more in the spirit of remembering somebody who loved the craic at that gathering, and what a "life and soul of the party" he was.
But then, my memory has reached the stage where I need reminders for the birthdays of living people...….
I know fewer people are churchgoers these days, but it is comforting to hear the names of those "whose year's mind falls at this time".

Sorry for your loss OP however I don’t think people who were not particularly affected would remember the exact date and I wouldn’t expect someone to ask if I was ok .

Sorry for your loss LefttoherownDevizes
The first Anniversary is hard. I suppose I was lucky as family and friends did remember. I think I would have been upset if no one mentioned it.
Maybe they didn't want to upset you.

Some people don’t remember dates or think to remember them. Don’t take it personally.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. We are coming up on the 3rd anniversary of my mum.

Some people don't want to remember the date of death, preferring to mark birthdays instead. It's also hard to know how you are going to feel so you can't ask in advance eg saying to your DH that you would need some support.

An important thing I learned from bereavement support (which I highly recommend, took me 2 years to go but helped tremendously) was to focus on what you can do. So I stopped focusing on my sister not being ready to clear out mum's stuff and instead put my energy into helping dad re-organise his life, putting mums stuff to the back of cupboards for him until we can all go through it etc.

Be kind to yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss. My DH lost his father 14 years ago and on the anniversary of his death every year my SiLs and his wife post remembrance messages (photos of him, with a lit candle, etc.). My DH says he doesn't understand having that as the day to remember him by, he thinks of him in particular on the date of his father's birthday, and on his own birthday and other key dates that have happier memories. I absolutely sympathise with how you're feeling, its been a year and the memories of that day are still very fresh, but I think personal grief is private, for each person to feel how they feel without judgement, but also without expectation of others. The date is not ingrained in your DH's mind as it is in yours, and nice that he apologised. I hope you feel a bit better today.