Why the hell did I do it?! *trigger rape*

[NewYoiker]

I reported the man who raped me when I was 15. It was at knife point and it was horrific.

I did a video interview last week and the police officer did believe me. I really struggled because it was a male police officer (CID) and a female civilian who didn't say anything at all) he had to ask me to go into mega detail and it was so hard. However now I'm having flash backs and I'm actually terrified of going to court and maybe seeing him again. My mum asked me what was I most worried about and I answered 'ruining his life' wtf?? Why do I think like that?! Seriously this bloke raped me at knifepoint and i can't stop thinking about how his wife and kids life will be turned up side down.

I'm so worried about telling my psychotherapist this incase she thinks I've lost my mind. I'm going to see her again on Tuesday for more emdr therapy but I really regret telling the police now. It's like it fills my down time, I go back there and relive it day in day out now.

What is wrong with me? I'm nearly 30 so why did I feel like now was the appropriate time to report it? My DH is a solicitor and he is so supportive but he said to prepare myself for the fact that the cps will most likely say NO further action, so why did I bother?

I didn’t want to read and run. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug. Please tell you therapist, they won’t judge you and will help you understand the difficult and confusing feelings you are experiencing through such trauma. Don’t allow the perpetrator to leave you isolated with this, reach out and receive all the support and understanding you need. Wishing you all the strength you need going forward - you are amazing x

Your psychotherapist will not think you're losing your mind. You've relived a very traumatic event in great detail, and flashbacks and it filling your thoughts are a very natural response. Ask about rapid eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), I had it and it really helped. You have locked away these memories for nearly 15 years and now need to process them.

Fwiw I think you're immensely brave I'm not sure how professional it was for the police to tell you it was unlikely to go anywhere, but try and take away what you will get from reporting this. You're allowing yourself to finally process these memories with support from your psychotherapist and move on, and of course if he ever tries to hurt another woman (or indeed has already), there is a record from you strengthening both your cases.

I've been there and it's so hard. If you need anything do feel free to PM me

Wow thank you. I didn't think anyone would respond. I am doing emdr therapy but I feel like I've gone back a few steps now. I know it was the right thing but it's so hard. I genuinely thought it would be a woman doing the questioning if I'm honest and it threw me

NewYoiker yeah I'm a little surprised at that too. I had a woman and really think it should be standard procedure for a woman to do at least the interview if not run things completely. It stands to reason that a woman traumatised by an event caused by a man would be fearful of having to relieve said event to a man

I'm glad you're having EMDR it will feel a bit like going backwards at first, but mine told me something like it's trying to put a piece of furniture together, but you've put all the pieces upside down and inside out so it's a bit of a mess. The only solution is to pull it all apart and start over.

When I was raped and thought about reporting him, I had the same thought.

" It is such a serious thing to do to him, it will ruin his life, it will hurt his family"

I think as women, we are conditioned to think of other people before ourselves.

So it was a normal thought to have. I didn't charge the guy in the end - I wanted to , but I was discouraged by family members.

We live in a small town and my family thought that there was not enough evidence, and that I would be blamed, I was at a house party. They thought that I would put myself through an ordeal, maybe they were right.

Now. I don't think about how it would ruin his life and hurt his family. My compassion is gone. But I am not brave enough to charge him.

I know it takes alot of guts and bravery to harge your rapist, so i am very very proud of you. So proud! Well done. Please see how amazing you are. And I am sending you a hug

So your psychotherapist definitely won't think that you lost your mind! I had the same thought after being raped.

"If I say I am raped, it will ruin his life and hurt his family".

I think it is a very normal thought to have when you are in shock. When you are in shock, you try to minimalise what happened. So we think, yes he raped me, but I can't hurt his family etc, maybe I will just let it go.

You are very brave to charge him. I am so proud of you. Please come on here for support whenever you need it. I am here for you

you are a good person, thats why you are worried about ruining his life, ruining his family... but you deserve the chance to say you did this, you did this to me, you took from me, you make me feel, how would you feel if it was your daughter with a knife held to her throat while some dirty disgusting piece of shit forces himself inside her, how would you feel if that disgusting piece of shit takes her peace of mind, her self respect, her everything, YOU DID THIS...YOU!!!
you deserve to tell him everything and he should be forced to listen to you, he should be made to understand what hes done and what it means to your life and he should have to suffer the same and sad to say his family should know what he is, what he is capable of and safe guard themselves from it, and if he is even half a man he will tell them honestly and accept the consequences of his actions

thats anothe bit of power he has over you.not ruining his family.NO NO NO.IT HIS HIM THAT RUINED HIS LIFE WHEN HE RAPED A GIRL AT KNIFEPOINT. this is never your fault.no sitution he later lands in is your fault.he began this when he hurt you.
and no thought no mater how irrational i dont think is ever wrong hen you have been taumatised or abused.the thoughts ie heard people have...
when you have been holdig this all in it is you that has contained you.you think youve been in control.it is only you its been festering nd hurting.but all of a sudden youve let it out the box.you shared it and it can feel like its now infecting and leaching onto others.and that can feel scary and horrid and out of control.and you might become more needy.because now you have told people you need them to understand more. like " ive talked about the worse thing ever you need to save me!" or understand or just know wht to do now you have given up you buden on how to heal you.but this is normal too.
this should never have happened to you and however you feel from that trauma is right.is valid.you are valid.and so are these fears your having now.
everything youve just said ive heard and seen simialr from other victims.you are not alone nor abnormal.nor guilty or to blame.
you are strong.and brave and amazing.
look how many years youve been living with this.my god woman you are remarkable.
keep fighting.and tell everyone everything your feeling.dont hold it back.your therapist will know or try to help you on the enxt prt of yoru healing journey.
there are many stages.and you can go through ebbs and flows of gief and tormoil.the thoughts can change.they can become harder or more agressive or more forgiving.but they are all valid and all yours to have when your ready.
you can do this.
there are many on here to help you too.
if they dont go forward that too is NOTHING on you or what happened.that is simply the shitty system we have right now.many many many woman and men with valid rape cases they are no going forward with.that is down to their system not you.
keep talking.we are all here for you.

Well done you for doing this. No matter which way it goes the fact that you’re still wanting to do this 15 years after it happened shows that it’s something you should have your voice heard about. Hope you’re okay op

You may well be doing his wife and kids a favour by reporting it. It seems unlikely they would be unaware he is a violent man.

Totally natural way of thinking in this situation but if anything is ruined it is HIS doing, not your's.

Why would his life be more important than your's? Do your feelings matter less? Is it more important to protect him than yourself and anyone else he may come into contact with? Rapists do so in order to control others. This doesn't stop as a one off particularly with a weapon, agree with pp you could well be giving the partner the 'justification' she thinks she needs to leave, although of course your motivation should be for your own requirements but point I'm trying to make is you are only protecting him if you hadn't come forward and he did not afford you the same courtesy.

Hope all goes well with your therapy, it's won't be easy but it once you get through the more difficult times in near future it will be so worth it long term. So glad you're getting appropriate support. Taking care of yourself is going to be key throughout this process.

I'm going to speak to my therapist today and ask for an urgent appointment as I can't carry on like this