To ask for better quality gifts.. but less of them

[tententwenty]

I know this sounds awfully ungrateful, but I live in a small flat. I have the vast majority of things that I need materially, and hate waste.

Every year my parents will buy me lots and lots of birthday presents. A £30 jumper from M&S. 4 Tshirts for £12 from Sainsbury. A waterbottle. Boring toiletries. The list goes on..

Without meaning to sound ungrateful, does anyone else prefer fewer things but of better quality?

I would much rather a nice pair of earrings, equivalent in cost to all the bits and bobs. Or a high quality British woollen jumper. A few bottles of nice wine.

The thing is, I don't need cheapo everyday things, I can buy them myself, plus I already have plenty. I'd much rather have one or two things that are really nice and would last. Something that I probably wouldn't buy for myself or something I would treat myself to.

This is a tough one and I feel exactly the same but the fact of it is, presents are as much about the giver as the recipient - if it makes someone happy to buy you whatever you can’t really dictate that they don’t.

I return anything from big shops, give toiletries and chocolate/biscuits/jams!! to the Salvation army food bank and bin or charity shop tat. I do say thank you and smile I don't ask for different more expensive stuff as I get that plus all the tat and a huge guilt burden.

Drinkciderfromalemon Sun 19-Jan-20 23:37:04
Potentially stating the obvious, but have you actually said that?? Mum, birthday coming up, I've seen some earrings I like so could you buy them for me..?
.........
I agree with that. I also cannot see anything wrong with a £30 jumper from Marks; at least if it doesn't suit you can take it back.

Dunno what to think really, the presents sound OK to me but what Drinkcider said makes sense for the future.

Be grateful you’re thought about. My dm scrabbled about in her handbag on Christmas Day and produced a gift card for M & S. Her nieces had sent it to her and she didn’t know how much money was on it (£25.) but she felt sure there would be enough for me to get something nice. It was just the card, no greeting card or envelope, just the plastic card.
She then spent the next few days detailing the thoughtful gifts she had sent to my siblings and their families. All from John Lewis of course.

My mum is exactly the same. She buys me so much stuff that I really don't want or need. But she would never be able to buy something expensive even though it actually costs less overall.

I asked for a Benefit lipstick last year, not even outrageously expensive or anything and she baulked at it. She'd rather buy me five lipsticks that dry out my lips and don't stay on and that I'll never use.

I just give most of it away or use it as raffle prizes. It's a shame, but she doesn't listen.

I was born on Xmas day. YADBU as at least you GET gifts for your birthday!!

You're lucky to have your parents in your life. I'd sooner have mine back than receive any gift at all. Just be greatfull you still have your parents.

I agree with PP.

You are lucky to have parents who love you and celebrate your birthday with you. They aren't comfortable spending £120 on a jumper, just accept that and be grateful for these loving people in your life.

Some of us would love to be able to spend one more birthday with the parents we've lost.

Can you set up a wish list on Amazon? So that it's not as impersonal as a gift voucher, DPs can still go and choose the items, but they are pre-selected.

It sounds like you’d actually prefer better quality, more expensive presents, rather than just fewer (not less) of them.

Personally I’d like a £30 jumper from M&S if it was one I’d wear. And the other things are always useful. Is it worth offending them over? As PP have said, if you really don’t have space in your flat for four t shirts, maybe just give them away.

£30 ouod be (roughly) the amount my family would spend on a birthday present (maybe £50 if they were pushing the boat out)

This is definitely a 'my diamond shoes are too tight' issue.

So do not complain. Do start hinting, well in advance, about what you'd really like. Remember that some people do not like to give cash/vouchers, and may not be sure enough of your taste to choose an expensive item that you might not like. So hint as specifically as you can

Please don't start with the 'at least you get something'. We all have people in worse situations than us, it doesn't stop our thing being a thing. I have this with dp.. Not do much the value but deciding that he knows better than I do what I want. Adding up the last two years I have about £250 worth of gifts which are nice, I can sort of see why he chose them but they are not what I wanted so are just sitting unused and I can't afford to get what I wanted myself so it just does seem a waste. When people do this it is like them imposing their taste / judgement on you and overriding yours. I wanted X dvd set, but got Y because he thinks it's better. Up to a point you can return things but not always. I just wish he, and others like him would listen.

I get this OP. My mother is of a generation where despite now having money, they are stuck in a mindset that it is somehow extravagant to buy anything for yourself. This continues now even while she has piles of money, she will request inexpensive shower gel etc for Christmas. My siblings and I would love to club together and choose her something a bit more extravagant. It is a shame as she will often bemoan her lack of these more extravagant things but she whinges if we don't buy the smaller things.

Ps OP this may not be practical but i find it helps to go window shopping with my mother in October, November. She can then see what sort of things I browse and like, it's a nice way of spending time together and giving each other subtle gift ideas.

I have some family members who do this. I completely agree with you about quality/quantity but I just don't really know how to tackle it. Present giving can be a weirdly emotive topic.

Do you return as much as possible after Christmas? For example M&S won't give you cash without a receipt but they'll give you a credit note which you can then spend on tights/food/something you're more likely to use.

I take other things to the charity shop/food bank or give to school tombolas. I just accept it's part of the Christmas routine now.

I managed to get OH to buy me literally nothing for Christmas this year as that's what I wanted (well, would have liked a new car but I know what the finances are so that wasn't in budget!).

Have you tried telling your mother tactfully that although it's very kind of her, you often don't use the presents so her money goes to waste and you'd rather save her doing that another time. She possibly gets that her presents aren't your No 1 choice but also thinks that you still like them enough and use them.

Annoying and wasteful, but if she won't take your hints I'd aim to return whatever you can to the shop it came from / donate appropriately, and plan to buy yourself whatever you like.

I completely hear you, op. But i fear your on to a loser. I find gift giving is generally ALL about the giver. I got yelled at one year, and slagged off to the whole family for YEARS, for joking before christmas saying just dont get me another dressing gown, as id had one for 4 occasions in a row. Mum responded by yelling for ages at me about being ungrateful. i was shocked as it was a joke and i didnt actually think she was buying me another dressing gown, but also asked why do you think i need so many! I dont even wear them. Ive never worn them. Why keep buying the same thing?!

Last year i asked for a middle Class jumper. I got one from fatface. No dressing gown in sight

My DM loves getting a bargain and she'll buy me literally whatever's on the sale rail for £3 or less. It's so tedious because things are on the sale rail because they fit weird, or they don't look good or whatever. She'd be raging if I brought it up so I put them in the charity shop bag. It's crap

i agree this may be a generational thing - a combination of wanting to buy lots of things now that you have money, combined with a feeling that buying the best of something is somehow extravagant and self indulgent. So buying lots of small, cheap items is about the giver satisfying two needs at once.

MIL is the same - we all get at least half a dozen presents worth around £10, several of which go straight out of the house to tombolas without being touched. Yet on the one occasion I suggested she buy DH something I knew he'd love at a cost of £40 she looked at me like I must think I'm the Queen of Sheba.

And it's very much not about the money aspect. A couple of years ago SIL got me a second hand paperback. It was a book I'd mentioned I was really keen to read, and I was thrilled she'd remembered.

My kids having been getting cash for birthdays since they were 10, I hate the idea of buying a load of rubbish they don’t want

Can't you just say I' d really like so and so - maybe you could get it for me for my birthday?

One of the few perks of parents getting too elderly to get to lots of shops and car boots easily is that the volume of stuff gifted to us and needing sorting out (some charity shops won't take books, others won't take kids stuff, etc) has hugely dwindled.

My parents get the point, and have compromised over the years by giving me money but for a particular purpose - this year was a cheque labelled 'This is your new downstairs loo'. They also are happy to buy the kids clothes and have nicer shops nearby, so I try to mention a couple months before birthdays which child needs more oyjamas/dressing gown/jumpers and what size.
And have an amazon wishlist of stuff like paperback books which I'd happily buy myself but if someone else does I can save the money for something bigger.

ILs still arrived with dozens of bags of stuff, but it is vital for my sanity that I think of them buying 500 quid of stuff in charity shops as them making kind charity donations, I redonate to local charity shops (poorer area, they are desperate for quality stock), and therefore it's just like buying an Oxfam goat or whatever. And tell the kids it's like a lucky dip - there may be something good in there.

At least kids birthdays it's acceptable to give book tokens and clothes once they're 7ish and you know the family, which helps no end.

It must be a Mum thing! Mine is the exact same. Choosing gifts for us is like a ritual - she must get a smelly set, a candle, a pair of pjs, a book etc. To be fair she does pick some nice things in amongst it but really...

When i’ve asked for specific things she obliged but still also gets the above.

My dm has s like this or if she asks and I say something she buys a cheaper version that is useless as it’s not what I want. £70 worth of tat, although the food bank got toiletries (dice which she knows I hat the smell of) and biscuits/sweets. I did say we wanted a particular item that was £24. On Christmas Day she hadn’t got it as she ‘couldn’t be bothered’ the thing is it’s now out of stock! If she had said she wasn’t buying it we could have just got it ourselves ffs!