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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Saying no to the party

24 replies

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:25

I’ve had a baby and my parents want to hold a party and get me to stay with them ( my oh is back at work )

I would love to have a party for the baby but I have a few issues namely :

I have a rocky relationship with my parents better with my father

They asked me to stay with them after the baby arrived , but I realised I wasn’t getting that much help and went back home they had arguments about housework while I was there ; despite having a cleaner in

My mum is from a rich family so she is really lazy and has never gotten over marrying someone with less money and no household staff I spent 48 hours at theres and ended up doing their laundry . When I lived with them as a child I remember doing a lot of chores from a young age .

I feel like this party would cause a lot more stress than it would be enjoyable . As I did a lot of housework when I lived with them it’s strange hearing they want to help and even wierder to take any help . Even though parents are supposed to help sometimes I feel guilty about them doing anything nice for me or my child. Like very uncomfortable with it .

I think they are trying to do this helping me thing because I was very ill when I was pregnant and developed a serious health problem which might resolve but might not .

I feel guilty for being at home because OH is helping me a lot ( despite working ) and I’m exhausted .

AIBU to refuse my parents help and stay at home ?
I forget to mention that my mum was abusive and I think my dad has forced her into having me over . She wasn’t particularly helpful when i went there previously

OP posts:

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:27

I suppose at the same time I’d love for my baby to have a party that her grandparents threw for her and wish things were different . It’s sad that I always avoid my family and wish I had a better mother ( I generally don’t consider myself to have had a mother )

OP posts:

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:28

I fact it’s made me feel quite depressed

OP posts:

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:29

I dunno if I’m letting my baby down by denying the opportunity of this party or why attention from the grandparents . I think deep down I suspect it would be short lived

OP posts:

LIZS · 19/01/2020 18:30

Is the party for the baby or another occasion? How long is it since the baby was born?

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:30

Baby is a few weeks old

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 19/01/2020 18:31

Why do you have to stay with them? If it's the distance say you are not ready yet and maybe when the baby is a bit older. Or have the party yourself when you feel up for it.

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:31

The party is for the baby ( like a shower type thing )

OP posts:

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:32

In my culture you go to stay at your parents who look after you till you are better and healed

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LIZS · 19/01/2020 18:32

Just tell them it is not necessary. How far away do they live?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 19/01/2020 18:33

Yanbu op and honestly there sounds like a lot of unresolved heartache and tension with your family and trying to deal with that or resolve it in any way when you are coping with post partum hormones is just not going work.

katy1213 · 19/01/2020 18:34

The baby won't remember the party! Just say, no thank you, I'm not feel up to parties. And have a little party of your own when you feel more in the mood.

MsVestibule · 19/01/2020 18:34

As you know, you have bigger issues than whether to accept a party from them, but based on your OP, I would say:

Don't have a party if you don't want one.
If they want to help, they can help you in your own house, you don't need to go to there's.
Don't feel guilty about your DH 'helping' you a lot at home - in the early weeks/months, this is what he should be doing.

Herpesfreesince03 · 19/01/2020 18:34

I wouldn’t do it op. You already know it’ll be a disaster. It’s not even happened yet and it’s already causing you stress

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:43

I feel sad for my baby . Just keep dreaming that maybe things are different now and that she will get some attention from my family.?im very sad to know that it will always be dysfunctional and that she won’t get that special time where everyone makes a fuss over her from my side of the family .

OP posts:

PumpkinPie2016 · 19/01/2020 18:48

YANBU -it sounds from your posts that there is a lot of tension in the family and perhaps differing views, particularly with your mother.

I would just politely decline - not up to it at the moment and want to be in my own home etc.

Your baby is still tiny and you don't need any more to deal with at present.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 19/01/2020 18:50

Whatever you decide do what is best for you. YANBU

Canyousewcushions · 19/01/2020 18:50

This is the kind of thing my in laws would plan, effectively using it as manipulation to make us visit as it's not easy to say 'no'.

It would also give them the opportunity to show off their new grandchild and demonstrate to their friends/family that they are fantastically dedicated grandparents- even if nothing is further from the truth.

I may be way off the mark, but given what else you've said about them in your post, it might be worth thinking about whether their motivation is as magnaminous as you've indicated- especially if it makes you feel less guilty about turning it down!

willowmelangell · 19/01/2020 18:55

Your mum is suggesting a party that she expects you to do the work for? Have I got that right OP?
You need to recover from your pregnancy and birth!
Your OH is SUPPOSED to give his 100% to you and your new baby! Knock that guilty feeling right on the head now! He is a Dad 100% full time now. He doesn't stop being a Dad when he is at work. He is a Dad. Full stop.
He can really aid your recovery, let him do evening meals and housework.
Is this a first grandchild? In charity, I can only think that your mum is being swept away with emotion and showing off her family.
A party is just not on right now. Food shop online and stay in pj's and dressing gown. Keep a pillow and quilt on your settee and rest OP.
I don't know you OP but I am really worried you are trying to be super pleasing and super coping when you should just concentrate on you, baby and talking to OH.

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 18:58

Ur right . I think a part of the issue is that I think a lot of relatives have started to realise that they have let us down in various ways . My dad has been helpful towards me and I suppose I just wanted to feel cared about like I see other parents with their daughters around this time .

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SunshineCake · 19/01/2020 19:22

You are only letting your baby down if you spend time with people who treat you badly. By doing that you are showing her you can't stand up for yourself and you allow people to treat you badly.

A baby a few weeks old does not need parties.

Elieza · 19/01/2020 19:25

Perhaps your relatives have been saying to your mum that she should be doing more and that’s behind this? Or your dad realising that he values this tradition and making your mum offer even though she’s not keen?

I’m guessing you’re not that fussed about cultural traditions (at least ones surrounding birth) or you’d be there being cared for already. Your views are important. You don’t have to change for anyone. Plenty people pick and choose which parts of religion or culture to follow and which not to. It’s entirely up to you to follow 100% or just the bits you feel are for you.

If you want the party then have it - on the condition that you return home afterwards. You’re not clearing up after their party. Which I imagine you will end up being roped into. If anyone says anything just tell them you want to return home rather than stay and just keep repeating that. Excuse can be you sleep better in your own bed, or the health visitor is due, or your work friends are coming the next day to see baby and the nursery or whatever you want.

It’s only be people bucking tradition and insisting on change that things do change and variation becomes more acceptable. As an example, getting married in white was one tradition in the U.K. for Christians Introduced by queen Victoria, if you didn’t marry in white even in my mums day it was frowned upon. Now nobody cares if you wear red or blue or black. Things have moved on and it’s accepted.

Stand up for what you want. You will need to be strong in future for your child. Why not start now by deciding what YOU want. A party then home sounds fine. Be happy!

Skysblue · 19/01/2020 20:00

The baby won’t get anything at all out of being at a party. Doesn’t sound like you feel well enough either. I would have said no when my child was that young.

Perhaps say what a lovely idea but I’m not feeling well enough to enjoy it and baby is a bit young to appreciate it, let’s make a fuss over her first birthday instead.

Original poster

Tubdoi · 19/01/2020 23:55

Anyone else have any suggestions feel really down

OP posts:

Canyousewcushions · 20/01/2020 23:09

Be kind to yourself- your going through a crazy time of life, emotional, hormonal, and less sleep than normal. All of this kind of stuff feels even more intense just after a new baby as arrived.

It's OK to put yourself first, and it's also OK not to have the happy perfect extended family that you want. In reality I don't think many people have that- most of us a mix of different characters and inevitable tensions and compromises.

The most important things is that your baby knows they're loved by their parents, and that you look after yourself and protect yourself adequately to enable you to be the best parent you can be.

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