AIBU baby nap arguments

[Warsawa31]

Hi

My wife and I disagree with how our 9 mo baby should nap. I tend to put her down three hours after she wakes for first nap. I am good at getting her to sleep. My wife just says she isn’t tired yet and it’s not uncommon for her to let her go 5 plus hours awake.
She does most of the childcare in the monday -Thursday and I do Friday-Sunday as I’m working, I dont want to mess up her routine but it annoys me that she doesn’t seem to care as much as I do about a consistent routine. AIBU To think we need to be on the same page to avoid confusing DD about sleep times etc. I don’t know how I can communicate this to her any clearer and we end up bickering.

YABU because you appear to be dictating the time despite doing less childcare. Surely what works best for DD is paramount, but secondary to that, it also needs to work for DW. There is no point demanding that DD naps at say 9/10 if it means that DW can’t take her to any activities and feels trapped in the house for example.

Well neither of you are BU, just different. If your baby is fairly adaptable and is coping then there is no problem.

However I never did routines and never clock watched so I can see why she thinks you are BU.

Gender aside, the one doing the majority of the child care Monday to Friday is the one who sets the routine. She is telling you DC routine, you are the one ignoring it. If you want consistent schedule, listen to the parent who is there most of the time and do what they do.

All babies have different schedules and those schedules change as they get older. We've always needed a routine for DS because he struggles if he doesn't get enough sleep, and he moved quite late from 3 naps to 2 naps, maybe your DD is ready to move now. I agree with you in principle that 3 hours between naps is about right at that age, if little ones get over tired then they become bad sleepers (and eventually grumpy toddlers) generally, but there will always be some babies needing more or less. You both need to agree on what pattern will work for your DD, but coming into it with an attitude of "I know best" you won't be able to have a constructive discussion. Try sitting down to talk about the full day's routine and discuss openly what your DD needs.

My arse is conveniently getting splinters here because if your dd wasn’t tired when you put her down I presume she wouldn’t sleep but then if she can cope without it I can see why your dw doesn’t want to be tied to a three hour nap before the day even begins properly.

My dd was still having about three naps at that age, an after breakfast and before tea ‘power nap’ and a longer one around lunchtime. If I wanted to do classes/go out I made sure we were already out in the buggy so she could nap around the day.

I think on balance if your dw has her weekday routine that involves having a life then that’s probably the one to go with. Tbh it’s around this age that breakfast/teatime nap starts dropping off in favour of a longer afternoon one.

Why don't you both do what you think is best for baby when you're looking after them? They change so much in the first year, routine is an illusion. Certainly nothing to bicker over.

Sorry I misread putting her down after three hours as for three hours

Thanks for the replies. We both have our “things” we worry about more. I do feel bad as she does 70 per cent of the childcare due to work etc. When I’m at work I don’t think about it, but when I’m home we disagree about it. I think I need to stop being so picky as DD is happy and a bundle of energy most of the time. I do have anxiety so it could be coming out in that form at the moment.
Thanks for the perspective. Appreciate it

There's no perfect way of parenting OP. Neither you nor your wife are right or wrong - just different. Better learn to communicate and compromise now - there's a lot of parenting still to come!

Cross post - well done OP for taking the advice on board.

As long as your DD is fine on your wife’s schedule I’d leave her be. Your wife is the one who has to pick up the pieces Monday morning when you’ve been arsing around with their routine at the weekend.

Your dd clearly is tired if she’s napping. Honestly just keep putting her down for nqps when you gave her - your wife will eventually realise your DD is calmer and brighter when you do the childcare

It really doesn't matter what time she naps or if your DD has different nap times with you and your wife. Its good that she can be flexible. What is not good is assuming she is a machine and will always do things at the same time. That is not good for you as you may want to do things at certain times sometimes or for the baby. 2nd and 3rd children learn very quickly that they have to be flexible.

Why don’t each of you do what you find workable best and leave the other one to do what works best for them? As long as the baby is happy (you say she is) then what’s the issue?

When is DD tired? After 3 hours or after 5 hours? Does it affect her nighttime sleep?

I was hot on naps at that age as my DS was a terrible sleeper at night. Now he's older I try to make sure he has a nap around the same time each day but it doesn't always work like that!

She doesn’t yawn or show she is tired much until she gets to the point of crying. I’ve found that gently rocking her about 3 hours after wake time , she is asleep within minutes so I was assuming that meant she was ready for a nap. I try to use the guides of her being awake for about 3 hours at a time. She sleeps well at night usually.

She gets clumsy when she is awake for long stretches and is more prone to hitting her head. I don’t know 🤷‍♂️

I think you are right. Routine with naps is so important. We got a paediatrician to set up a sleep plan for us and it worked really well. Luckily my husband saw the effects and agreed that it really made a difference to our little ones sleep and routine. We got a lot of agro from others about it but we just did what was best for us as a family.

Routine is good but chat to your DW about what works for her too. If your DD wakes around 7am, a 10 -12 nap is social suicide for your DW as so many activities are scheduled at this time.

Most baby/toddler activities assume a routine engineered around school/pre school runs. Eg a shorter morning nap at about 9am that might happen in a pram in a school run, and a longer nap after lunch/preschool pick ups, at about 12.30, waking up 2.30/3 to allow for school pick up.

Is your DW maybe letting your DD have a quick first nap on her way to an activity then a main nap after lunch?

Also, if you are having to rock your child to sleep that might be because she's not tired enough (or confusingly, too tired).

You have to accept the way your partner does things when they are responsible for child. If you continually critique things when they are fine, just different to the way you do it, you risk being controlling. Which is probably not your intention.

In another few weeks it will all change again so I wouldn't stress over it.

Routine is important but it depends what happens during the week and whether your baby is happy (if so, then don’t change things). Most 9m olds seem to be on two naps, a morning and an afternoon one. Neither of mine would have gone 5 hours from waking at that age.

If she drops off quickly when you put her to bed for a nap then she’s tired and ready for it. IMO children need to be taught to pay attention to their own tiredness, not ignore it, otherwise they’re buggered for later years. They’re also perverse creatures in that when overtired they find it very difficult to get to sleep, which can look like not ‘not tired’. My youngest tears around like an absolute loon when he’s overtired; he always gets put to bed. Many parents would keep him up and say he’s full of energy. He’s not.

Your key point is that she’s falling asleep easily after a decent period of being awake. She’s ready for it. If she sleeps fine at night then it looks like you’ve found her nap time. Leaving it til she’s clumsy, crying, falling over and banging her head is way past it.

In my opinion babies that age do need two naps a day so up 3 hours, nap 1.5 hours, up 3 hours, nap 1.5 hours, up 3 hours, night time sleep 12 hours I'd say is fairly typical so your routine is probably more common.

But it's about your baby at the end of the day, if they are fine and arent suffering for being up for 5 hours and night time sleep is still ok then I dont think there is much of an issue