Am I overreacting re unwanted attention at work?

[Kaltenzahn]

I'm having slight problems at work and I'm not sure if I'm making this into something it isn't. I've been in a new job for about 2 months now. It's a very different environment to my previous jobs - I'm used to working in small teams whereas I'm now working with around 200 people (around 90% men).
From the very start I've had a lot of attention from male colleagues. This isn't a stealth boast - I consider myself relatively average looking and keep to myself, this is just due to it being a hugely male dominated workplace.
Until recently it's just been people trying to flirt at work (I always minimise conversation and focus on my work so most of them get the picture) which hasn't been a big deal but in the last week or two I've had a couple of people becoming more persistent. Several people have also added me on Facebook (which is fine, these weren't the same people who had been bothering me at work so I thought it was harmless) but a few of them have started messaging me in a way that makes me uncomfortable - messaging me late at night, commenting on my photos, complimenting my looks, asking why I don't have a boyfriend etc. I've even had someone asking me round multiple times to "chill and get to know each other" late at night. The thing that makes me most uncomfortable is that the worst ones are in their 40s and 50s while I'm in my mid 20s - somehow I'd find it a lot easier to deal with if we were similar ages!
I don't do anything to encourage any of this. I try to shut the messages down as politely as possible but some of them are very persistant and I just want it to stop. I'm wary of offending people as they have all worked there a lot longer than me and developed tight knit social groups (which I don't have) and as I'm still in my probation period I don't want to cause any trouble.
This all seems very minor now I've written it down but it's making me uncomfortable about going back into work on Monday. Am I overreacting? Should I just woman up and ignore it? Can I stop this without alienating myself or rocking the boat too much?

Absolutely, delete them off social media.

Good start.

Either go down the HR route or else don’t open any of their messages, ever and don’t accept any other friend requests from people you are not actually friends with. Open up new social media accounts if you really feel the need to stay in touch with some people and not cause offence to others.

Be polite but firm. Remove them from social media. Speak to HR.

I think studies have shown that men over estimate a woman's interest in them.

So don't feel obliged to laugh at their jokes. If you'd rather read a book in your car at lunch time, go do that. It's fear of being ''rude'' that stops young women telling older men to back off.

I managed it a few times but never before the situation had already made me feel uncomfortable for too long.

Ah sorry about this OP.
I've heard some awful things about v male dominated workplaces (such as the one where they'd open a book as to who'd get to shag the new admin assistants first. Wonder why there was such a turnover this was a 'thing'?). It can be annoying but it can also be quite sinister.

Yep, I'd delete them off Facebook, don't reply to messages from them on SM or at work, unless it's work related. Good luck.

I agree that the obvious thing is to remove them from your SM and if asked by anyone just say that you never add work colleagues to your private SM. Then block them if they message you again.

Don't get drawn into conversations with anyone, you do not have to reply to messages of any description. Ignore them and they will soon get the message.

I had stuff like this when I was only 17 but it wasn’t on SM, it was within the office, I had a 45 year old mechanic ask me out and all the derogatory comments from men the same age as him and older made me sick but I put up with it due to my age I think.

Some men think that if you even look in their direction then you must want to sleep with them.

They are disgusting.

You shouldn't have to deal with this, I'm sorry men are such arseholes.

My advice is that if you get an unwanted message, reply 'I don't want to keep receiving messages like this from the men I work with'.

For the attempts at flirting from the older men, comment that they remind you of your dad.

And do not be afraid to say 'do you mean to sound like a creep, maybe you aren't aware, but that's how you are coming across'.

I meant to say, you could go to HR/your manager to see if they have any ideas on wider messaging to the team that might help you, you shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself. Just a reminder to everyone that if you are on each other's SM you need to be appropriate and not send anything you wouldn't want shared at an all hands meeting. Is there anyone you could speak to informally who might be able to pass it round that it's a bloody sleazy look from them. Are there any other women who've been around longer you could try to get to know a bit more, get a bit of support, and then you look less isolated. It's no coincidence you're new and young, either. Sleazebags.

Why do people add total strangers to their social media? Or have their SM public? Have you watched "You" on Netflix?!

Anyway when you started there OP you should have been told about HR, and to contact them if you ever feel you need to.

Let them know now before something happens.

This is such creepy behaviour and winds me up how men think they can treat women like this.

Hi OP, I'm in your age bracket and work in a very male populated workplace. Think a shipyard.

First of all, don't go straight to HR. They protect the companies best interests. Second of all, block and delete all work colleagues.

I had some older creepy guys try the same rubbish with me, a quick "haha you're as old as my dad" shut them down real quick

Thanks for all the replies!
I must seem like a bit of a wet blanket here but I'm normally good at sticking up for myself, and not averse to conflict! Normally I'm the first to step in when a man is acting out of line (and a lot better at judging it when it isn't directed at me), I'm just worried about causing problems during my probation period (my workplace has a reputation for terminating peoples probations pretty quickly). You're all right about the Facebook thing. I guess I wanted to avoid the "why did you block me" conversations and hoped that if I ignored or politely rejected all the messages they would just get bored. Having seen that pretty much everyone has given the same advice I will actually follow it and block everyone from work now. For some reason I feel far more pressure to be polite through messages/emails - when I'm face to face my instincts kick in and I'm a lot more blunt.
I'm most relieved by everyone telling me I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. Before this I worked abroad where some pretty awful behaviour (a lot worse than this) was tolerated and normalised, and I was constantly fighting against it and being told I was overdramatic, that's just how men are, you need to relax etc. so I've been doubting myself a bit as this stuff seems minor in comparison.
Again, thanks for the help!

That’s awful but you seem to be coping really well. I work mainly with women but have had similar scenarios with sports clubs and just advise head down, concentrate on what you’re doing and keep holding them off - before you know it you won’t be new anymore and the novelty will wear off as they will realise none of them are going to get anywhere. In my case it wasn’t even anything particularly personal, they were just a bunch of wolves who tried it on with every vaguely young / attractive new woman who joined. I was so glad I hadn’t entertained any of it when they seemed to move onto the next woman who joined and I realised how much they were egging each other on and that a few before me had actually been burned.

I think it's a game for men like that. Getting older and want to prove they still got it by pulling a younger woman.

I think women look in the mirror and put themselves down and men look in the mirror and definitely put themselves up!

Similar to a PP saying that men overestimate women’s interest in them, not all young women want ‘old enough to be their dad’ boyfriends!

Block them all and say you got hacked so shut the account down. Might be a better accuse.

@Straycatstrut I'm actually not too bad on social media - I only really use it for messenger, my privacy settings are set to max and I don't have anything on there that I'm not OK with the entire world seeing (nothing traceable or private, no personal information etc) so the most they can do is comment on my profile pictures and some random photos I've been tagged in. I did watch "You", it's terrifying!

All these people saying go to HR. HR are working for the company first and foremost.

Just block and if any of the men ask why say you've been advised not to add any work colleagues onto social media.
Unfortunately the only thing that works with men is sharp yet funny answers.
E.g.. If they say they like your top just say 'sorry, they don't do it in your size. '
Also if anyone asks you private questions always reply 'Why do you want to know?'
It makes them think and if they're being nosey they can't justify it.

I don’t think you should need to pretend that your FB account got hacked, this isn’t right as they won’t be ‘told’ that way, this is similar to doing nothing I would say.

I try to shut the messages down as politely as possible but some of them are very persistant and I just want it to stop.

Ghastly situation for you OP & I empathise completely.
You can solve this very simply - but I am guessing for the tone of your post, perhaps not easily, for you.

You can do this - but you are going to need to give yourself a mindset change in order to achieve it. Are you in?

For example - the unwanted Facebook adds (& subsequent revolting & intrusive messaging) - it is absolutely NOT "causing trouble" or "offending people" to simply not respond. With a different mindset, you might have seen a friend request come in, & thought "oh it's John from accounts wanted to friend me - I'll ignore that."
There is no social or company rule that says you have to accept social media requests from colleagues.
It is your perfect right not to do so.

The late night messages, frankly, are harrassment, as are the disgusting attempts to hit on you by men old enough to be your father. Or any men. Don't enable their entitlement to your time & attention!

How to change that mindset? Apply it here -
I try to shut the messages down as politely as possible but some of them are very persistant and I just want it to stop.
You do not owe these twats politeness.
You do not owe these twats a response.
All you need do is block them.

OK - I can now imagine you now thinking "oh that's easy for Messo to say, but how do I do that politely & how do I deal with any fallout or offence?"

No HR person would tell you it is necessary to accept non-work related requests from colleagues.
With your newly adjusted mindset, make it your new rule that you never mix personal social media & colleagues.
You've seen the bother & stress it causes - it's just not worth it, is it?

Now take it one step further.
Unfriend & block every single colleague off all your social media.
Do not announce it, do not explain it, do not justify it on that media.
Do not refer to it at work - but as soon as any colleague says anything like "why have you not responded" or "how come I can't see your FB anymore?" etc, you have ONE STOCK REPLY & you stick to it:

"Oh, I've been advised to delete all colleague connections, because I have been receiving inappropriate messages & harrassment."
Refuse to say any more.
(apart from maybe I've been advised not to discuss it further. )
People may assume "been advised" means 'by HR' or 'by my boss'. Let them.
People will gossip for a while, then forget about it.

You then have the bliss of not having to do extra, unpaid work dealing with "polite" ways to "not offend" the offensive bastards who are not being polite to you every evening & weekend.
You can now also pat yourself on the back for taking immediate & effective action to protect yourself from harrassment & fuckwittery.

Please make this mindset change Kaltenzhan.
It won't just fix your current problem, it will change your life for the better - because you will have realised that women do NOT have to appease men who are harrassing them, do NOT have to put up with their shit, & ARE perfectly entitled to simply not respond to it.

perhaps if any one asks why you have blocked or unfriended them say

"sorry its just that I have received some messages that made me feel uncomfortable so I have decided not to mix my work life and private life.
I am sure you can understand that "

you could go to HR/your manager to see if they have any ideas on wider messaging to the team that might help you, you shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself.

HR are not going to be concerned, & they are not going to want the bother of being asked to take any action. They represent the company's interests, not the OP's, & their first response will be "then why did OP accept friend requests & respond to messages?"

you shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself.
I disagree with this very strongly, & find it patronising.
Women are perfectly capable of dealing with their own problems, & don't need to be sent running off to tell tales - especially not to people 'who 1) won;t be on their side & 2) will mark their card as either 'too helpless' or 'too bother-making'.
That's not right & it's not fair but it is the reality.

Telling the OP that she is incapable of solving her own issue is ridiculous & unhelpful. Young women need to learn how to stand up for themselves, & women learn this by doing it - not by asking someone else to do it for them.

OP - you will be amazed at the peace of mind & self-satisfaction you will feel as soon as you have unfriended/blocked. Really - that & 2 stock phrases about it for anyone asking about it in the workplace is all you need do.
Do it today!!!

I'd remove all of them, and block. Then change your settings so that only friends can send you messages etc.

If anyone comments, say your account got hacked.

If it carries on, then yes say something to HR.

Horrible behaviour but again not surprised. I had similar in a male dominated industry and I was married. The mistake I made was politely declining. Don't be polite. Don't let any of them have access to your personal social media either.

I wouldn’t block them on FB as such but I would change my settings so they are blocked in messenger.

Whilst I don’t disagree with going to HR with the messages, I thunk you’re well within your rights. However, I wouldn’t want to rock the boat just yet and potentially scupper my chances of promotion etc... I’d block them all and ignore anything other than work related stuff.