To wonder how I tell my best friend we’re expecting?

[UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre]

Hurrah, DH and I have finally been blessed with a pregnancy that looks like it’s going very well indeed. ❤️
It’s wonderful news for us and something that we didn’t think would happen after loss and getting older etc.
However my best friend, whom I have known for many years and love dearly, had a termination about 4 months ago, and was hugely traumatised by this. She’s self harmed excessively and taken half a dozen attempts at her life since the abortion and she is really struggling to cope with anything.
I can’t hide our pregnancy forever, but I don’t know how I can tell her without breaking her.

Any advice or help greatly received

Thanks in advance

Oh congratulations OP!

I know it might not be the best way but could you maybe lie at first?
Ok what I mean is tell her you are trying for a baby. Then see how she takes it and then maybe a month later tell her you are pregnant?

I would also tell her face2face. I know some will say by phone or text so she has time to cry if needs be without you seeing but tbh with her background I really would not want her alone when she found out.

It's hard with a friend who you feel could be pushed over the edge but as you say you can't hide it forever so maybe the bit by bit approach if you can.

Tell her you are trying then after a month, tell her you think you might be and then tell her you are. Yes the dates will be a give away but the whole point of this is to try and tell her slowly. Once she knows for sure and has known for a few months, you can come clean that you knew before but wanted to keep it secret or whatever excuse.

Of course if she already knew you were trying, skip to the part of telling her you might be, and see how it goes.

I don't know how else to try and tell her slowly. Other then that, sit her down round yours and just tell her outright, but make sure it's just you two, no one else there.

I've never had an abortion however I did struggle to get pregnant twice, requiring fertility treatment. My personal opinion is dont lie to her. If you tell her you are trying now then announce next month you are two months pregnant the chances are she'll know you lied. Be honest with her. One or my very best friends send me a 'send to all' text message a month after I found out I may never conceive. I was over the moon for her but it broke my heart that she couldn't either tell me face to face or in a private text.
Have a cuppa with her, tell her you're pregnant and you hope she is ok. I was more than happy to talk with my friends about their progressing pregnancies but another friend of mine who struggled hated to talk about pregnancies so you may need to judge the situation on how she reacts.
Huge congratulations OP

Thanks so much. It’s fairly common knowledge that babies have been on our horizon, our last loss in 2017 was at the end of the second trimester and we have been clear we were trying and I told her again back when she was considering the termination. (She asked what I would do in her shoes, and I said well i think it would be different as we have been together many years and are trying to have a baby.)
I’ve told another close friend and she was over the moon for us. She was an NCT yoga friend and her oldest was born on the due date of the baby she lost.
My best friend lives an hour or two away and we talk on the phone three times a week. She is very isolated and her relationship broke down, so she’s lost several friendships through this time.
I will try and arrange to meet up with her for lunch soon. Or see if she’s coming to stay with her mum anytime soon as then I know she’d have support away from me, and would be ok. I’m just so worried it will finish her off
Thank you both so much

It took me four years and IVF to get pregnant. I would always prefer a text so I could avoid that person until I felt able to be appropriately congratulatory. I know other people would prefer a low key face to face thing.

I definitely definitely would feel patronised and hurt by anyone who followed WannaStay’s advice so please don’t do that.

So you lost a baby and your friend wasn’t concerned about telling you she was getting rid of one? The same happened to me. I was TTC for 5 yrs with 7 mostly early miscarriages and a friend asked me to come with her to the abortion clinic. She had 3 abortions. Every time I felt so sad wishing it was me that was pregnant. Don’t worry about sharing your news. It’s happy news

Don't lie to her, what awful advice.

I'd tell her by phone or email/messenger as if she doesn't want to talk any more she can just go and it gives her time to process this information. If you're out at lunch or coffee it could be really awful if she gets upset or angry.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I'm sorry about your loss.

I know, it’s so hard I was always heartbroken it wasn’t me. I was told we would struggle quite early on into the relationship with dh. But I managed well and was happy and supportive of others.
It’s just she has struggled so much with her choice and had such regret and her whole family are staunchly anti abortion.
Pink: I think it’s different we had a tfmr after I contracted an infection that could kill both myself and the baby. So she wanted reassurance on the procedure (I did have to explain that essentially I just had an early induction of labour and that it probably would be slightly different to her medical abortion at eight weeks, as we got time with our baby boy, he has a name, and a tree, and tiny clothes, and we got a bereavement midwife and months of therapy, and fertility follow ups and consultant intervention, but it was most different because it wasn’t in our control.)
I’ve been the heartbroken one, watching people on their third whist I haven’t even had one. But this seems so much harder. It’s the fragile mental state I’m most worried about - I don’t want to be the straw that breaks the camels back. I’m so happy, DH and I are so excited- I just want to be open and not hide that.

Just be honest with her. She was with you, despite knowing what you were going through at the time.
Knowing what you've been through, surely your best friend would be nothing but overjoyed for you, despite any choices they had made in the past.
It would be worse if she heard from someone else.

Also, huge congratulations!

Hi OP. A few years ago I was the heartbroken girl after a termination. My cousin was pregnant too and due 2 days later than my due date, so I found out about her pregnancy the day after my termination (she had no idea). I was gutted, but I adore my cousin so I didn’t show it. If anything it made me a really good auntie (ish) to her little boy because it felt like I really had to be good to this baby, if that makes sense? So whilst it hurt at the time I made sure to have a really good relationship with her son because it made me feel better to give myself a positive experience with a baby?

I have no idea if that makes sense. But what I’m saying is I had multiple suicide attempts over that termination, I was a MESS, but I did overcome it for the sake of my cousin and your friend will do the same whether it’s now or in the future. All I will say is please, if you’re getting any early scans or anything and know the gestation she had her termination at, don’t tell her the details like “baby has a heartbeat today” or “baby’s spine developed today” etc etc because that’s the things that hurt I guess.

In regards to how you tell her, I would go for lunch with her. Don’t do it by text because if she is at home and feeling fragile from it, that could be dangerous. Just go for lunch, tell her, explain you know it might be something she finds difficult so that you understand she might feel a bit off about things, but that you care about her and hope she’s okay with it etc etc.

Sorry if none of that makes sense I’m so rubbish about putting how I feel into words when it comes to this topic lol.

So you lost a baby and your friend wasn’t concerned about telling you she was getting rid of one?

^This. I would share your happy news.

I think taking her for lunch and telling her face to face is best..,

How did she tell you she was having an abortion? I would do it the same way.

Congratulations! I think your suggestion of telling her when she’s staying at her mum’s is a good idea. As someone who lives on my own I would prefer to be with someone face to face rather than be told over the phone when I’m at home on my own. Hopefully having her mum there for support will help. Can you talk to her mum in advance? Also when you tell her stress how much she means to you as a friend and let her know how important her friendship is to you. It might also help to be open with her and tell her you’re worried about how this might impact on her mental health so she knows you’re concerned about her and not just wrapped up in your own life and happy news. Good luck. You’re a good friend

I wouldn’t lie at all like @WannaStay suggested. I would just be truthful and tell her in person. People being pregnant is something she will forever come across. Although this may not be easy for her, you’re entitled to enjoy your situation. Congratulations and hope all goes well 💐

Hi Everyone, I just wanted to thank you all. I finally told her, and she is over the moon. What a relief!

That is good news! You must have been very thoughtful, well done on finding a way which was helpful for her and you. I’m glad she’s happy for you.

Makes me sad the way people say she’s ‘gotten rid of it’ I had a termination because the baby was dying and went septic. Not that that’s the only reason, maybe she was in an awful place and a baby wasn’t in her cards? Don’t try to pass it off as if she’s just getting rid of it and hasn’t really thought about it. Some people are awful!! Congrats OP!! I’m 19 weeks with my 1st baby after 3 losses and an infertility diagnosis!! I hope this pregnancy is as magical as you want it to be