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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about partner's family's reaction?

34 replies

silversable · 19/01/2020 03:49

I don't see my boyfriend's family a lot, mainly as he isn't very close with them due to issues with his parents divorcing at an early age. However, every so often we go out with his grandma and aunty on his Dad's side. His aunty is quite strong willed, blunt and has made comments to me before that were quite rude. However, I am always pleasant and chatty with her as I know it means a lot to my partner. Today, we were supposed to be meeting them at half 2. I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've ever had, couldn't shake it by that time and was practically bed bound by it almost to the point of tears. I said I wouldn't be able to go and to apologise for me. My boyfriend returned later telling me his aunty had commented "she could have at least made the effort", and "well she obviously doesn't like us then". I messaged her to apologise and she hasn't accepted my request nor read the message. I find this upsetting as I would never act this way if any of them were ill. I feel like this has happened as the time before this when we were supposed to go out I was dealing with a recent family death and wasn't in the state to go. I just feel like I'll get the cold shoulder next time we go out. Am I being unreasonable by being annoyed at this response?

OP posts:
NaviSprite · 19/01/2020 06:09

Did he stand up for you to his rude Aunt?

YANBU OP she needs to be told to stop being critical of you and your Boyfriend needs to help you get that message across.

I wouldn’t chase her for a reply and genuinely don’t apologise again for this, if it comes up in future (and you’re okay with being assertive) I’d probably respond with something along the lines of:

“I’m unsure as to how my being unwell and bedridden equates to me not liking you?”

If your Boyfriend isn’t standing up to her for you then he needs to grow a backbone and tell her that she’s being ridiculous.

I do find it strange that he came back and told you what was said, surely knowing it would upset you? Especially after the previous occasion when you were grieving Flowers

Yeahnah2020 · 19/01/2020 07:10

They sound like cun**ts. Don’t give them another thought and recind your friend request.

Ruraldream · 19/01/2020 07:23

I clicked yabu as you shouldn't be chasing them. You're doing too much of the running and giving them all the power. In my experience people like that are more likely to respect you if you're strong. Delete the request and message. They should be messaging you. The main thing is if your dp stood up for you.

GobletOfIre · 19/01/2020 07:30

You don’t have to explain yourself. Your boyfriend should have stood up for you and told Aunty to shut it. If he didn’t, then you need to have a serious word with him.

userabcname · 19/01/2020 07:33

Yanbu. Not your fault if you had a migraine. I had one recently and was in tears - had to lie on my bed with the curtains drawn in between being sick. I don't think people realise how painful migraines are - they think they are just a bit of a headache. Sounds like the aunty is a bit of a bitch tbh.

Frenchw1fe · 19/01/2020 07:59

They should be asking how you are.
Ignore them.

OutComeTheWolves · 19/01/2020 08:07

Put it out of your mind. You were ill and she was rude. No need to dwell on it and certainly don't apologise any more for it.
And next time you're starting to worry that she thinks badly of you, remember that you think badly of her now too and your opinion is just as valid.
Incidentally I find that in families where one person keeps their distance a bit (in this case your dp) the family almost always blames their partner even if that involves making huge mental leaps. It's much easier than applying a bit of self-reflection.

Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 19/01/2020 08:11

Why is your BF telling you this though?

MrsPerfect12 · 19/01/2020 08:15

Your Bc should of shut that down and said he wasn't accepting the rude comments.

JosefKeller · 19/01/2020 08:17

She is very rude

she is also an idiot - she may never had a migraine in her life, but any normal human being knows that a migraine is not just a headache that is a mild inconvenience.

Montythemooseisatitagain · 19/01/2020 08:19

They sound like twats.

I hope your boyfriend stood up for you. If not, you’ve got bigger issues...

WhatIsThisFreshHell · 19/01/2020 08:24

They are BU, not you. Why is your BF running these unpleasant comments back to you though? Who does that help? Is he deliberately stirring or just not thinking?

NearlyGranny · 19/01/2020 08:30

Why did he TELL you that? Bad enough having a migraine. I think he should have cancelled, too, and taken care of you, though a silent house and a dark room are actually the best treatment.

If he did go, his job was just to translate their comments to you as "They were sorry and disappointed you couldn't make it," and to spell out to them how ill you were and how unacceptable their nasty comments were.

Does he want you all to get on or not?!

Paperthin · 19/01/2020 08:47

To me this feels like a ‘test’ - he has told you, you are upset and he may or may not have defended you, it doesn’t matter - he knew it would upset you by telling you ( it would upset anyone). If you say nothing and try harder, try to please them and him....it will continue. To me, this is a red flag.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/01/2020 08:50

Surely it doesn't matter if it was a migraine or a family emergency - you couldn't go and that's that. What gives them the right to comment on your life choices?

You don't have to like them or see them just because they are your boyfriend's family, you know.

TheCanterburyWhales · 19/01/2020 08:56

How did he react when you said you couldn't go?
Because even if they said far worse about you, he should have a) defended you b) not bothered you with it.
Is he always such a stirrer?

Retroflex · 19/01/2020 08:57

I agree with everything @NaviSprite said... Flowers

diddl · 19/01/2020 09:07

YWBU to apologise to her!

Presumably your boyfriend told you because he didn't tell her to stfu so you'll get it in the ear next time.

So she obviously thinks that you're a liar.

Sounds as if he might be too close to the wrong ones!

What did his GM say I wonder?

I wouldn't be bothering with the nasty Aunt in future.

champagneandfromage50 · 19/01/2020 09:12

Why did you apologise? Your partner should have made it clear to them you were ill and that should have been the end of it. The fact he has returned relaying what they said about you not making an effort makes me think he agrees with them

CalamityJune · 19/01/2020 09:16

He should have made it clear that you were in no fit state and challeged any negative comments.

There was no need for him to tell you what they said.

perfectstorm · 19/01/2020 09:23

There's a class of drug that can be a miracle cure for migraines. I've had debilitating ones since adolescence, and after a 3 day one once that was not going, I crawled to out of hours in desperation. The doc prescribed Sumatriptan. You feel a bit woollyheaded, but functional - which when you've been lying in a dark room, trying not to vomit, and in unbearable pain, feels a miracle!

His aunt is an arsehole to you. Her problem, not yours. Don't let her bad behaviour control your state of mind.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/01/2020 09:26

She was a twat but why did he tell you and what did he say to her?

Drum2018 · 19/01/2020 09:29

Why the hell would you pander to your boyfriends aunt? You didn't need to apologise. He had explained your absence - that was enough. He should have had enough cop on to stand up for you and not come back to you telling tales. Next time you see her don't get into a discussion about it. You don't need to justify yourself to her.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2020 09:29

Your boyfriend should have set the woman straight and told her that you were actually ill. If he didn't then none of this is worth bothering about.

ContessaferJones · 19/01/2020 09:30

I agree triptans are wonderful! I take propranolol now to offset migraine risk though (rise in BP appears to be a trigger for me).

That doesn't help you with your partner's family though. They sound like twats.

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