Wishing child to be like someone else?

[ThatsNotMyCherry]

Would you feel a bit hurt if your husband said he felt ‘really disappointed’ in your child and that he wished your child was like a friend’s child (this was in relation to our baby showing signs of having stranger anxiety)

Thanks for the votes x
I wasn’t sure if I was being overly sensitive because I was compared a lot with other people as a child.

How old is your baby?
At a certain age stranger anxiety is normal

I think YANBU but tone / context could change how it comes across. Did he really mean it?

Just turned 7 months.

He did say after “I guess she could still change” so he does realise it could be a phase

From stuff he’s said before he really hopes our children will take after him. He’s a very social person whereas I am a bit more introverted and take a bit of time warm up.

SIL and I have 'arguments' like this, she'll say 'oh DN isn't sleeping at the moment and she's really gone off her food, I wish she was sleeping through and eating like your DS' and I'll say 'you're joking he's literally eating me out of house and home, I don't remember last time I had food I didn't have to share and he sleeps all night but doesn't nap for long, I wish he napped for two hours at a time like DN does so I could get things done'. It's just things people say, I don't actually want to swap my child

So your husband is judging a 7 month old child? What kind of personality does a 7 month old have? It’s like judging a novel that’s about to be written by the first page. Fucking ridiculous.

He’s a prat, you should tell him that regularly. Babies that age don’t have fixed personalities.

Wow! My babies wouldn’t go to anyone other than me, Dh and their grandmas at 7 months. Cried at all men other than DH!
All grown up into confident teens now - no harm done! It’s really to early to judge any aspect of personality.

Oh dear, he has fixed ideas of what your child ‘should’ be like, and is disappointed if they show signs of being otherwise? Not good. You need to talk to him about this, it could have a really bad effect on your child if he keeps this up.

Stranger anxiety is a developmental stage... if they don’t go through it, it’s actually a red flag that there may be a developmental issue...so...

You're being over sensitive.
My first DD was a super friendly baby and went to the extended family without a fuss.

My nephew was the opposite..cried a lot..so I ppl did compare them.

I remember when my niece was talking more than DD and my DH was saying how DN says more.

Wouldn't you prefer your child to be more social like your DH, instead having anxiety like you?

He’s a prat, you should tell him that regularly.
What utterly useless advice.

How would this help and how mature is it to keep telling your spouse they're a prat based on a single comment.

I've sometimes wished my own child was like another in certain ways...it's natural to make these comparisons. Just as it's natural for children to be different.

really disappointed is quite a strong statement though.

SandyY2K. where did OP say she has anxiety??

Blimey, she's only a baby. She is quite normal. Your husband should not have said that.

Just turned 7 months.

It's completely developmentally normal. But being slower to approach is also a persistent personality trait.

Your DH judging a tiny baby and wishing his child was like another isn't normal. It's very important to accept and love the child you get. Which won't be the child you had in your head. Being slow approach is fine. And he needs to realise you don't choose your child, you parent the child you get.

Stranger anxiety is a developmental stage... if they don’t go through it, it’s actually a red flag that there may be a developmental issue...so...

Do you have a link to any recent research that supports this? As I believe it's now widely held that whether or not a child has Stranger anxiety is down to temperament, rather than being a developmental milestone...

Your DH judging a tiny baby and wishing his child was like another isn't normal.

In that case I'm abnormal. Thanks for that! Wishing your baby could have some of the traits of another isn't awful, surely? It doesn't mean you wish for a different child, just that it would be nice to experience some of the things that other parents do that you don't.

It's very important to accept and love the child you get.

I loved the child I got when DS came along, but I still felt worried that he was different from the only other babies in my life of a similar age.
Friends wished they had a baby like DS; a great sleeper, independent, laid back, and just an all round placid baby. But totally silent.
And I wished he was a little more like their babies... babbling, animated, wanting to play alongside other babies.

Ds was later diagnosed with autism, he's now a young adult. Please try not to judge, it can be very hard to feel your child is different from other peoples', to whatever degree.

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COMMON BEHAVIOUR CONCERNS
raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/common-concerns/fear-of-strangers

Suitable for 0-3 years
Fear of strangers: babies and young children.

Fear of strangers is normal and common. It can start at around eight months and usually passes by around two years.
You can help your child feel comfortable around strangers by being patient and introducing new people gradually.
For older children who are afraid of strangers, it can help to work on building independence.
On this page:
Fear of strangers: the basics
Helping with fear of strangers: what you can do
Fear of strangers in children over two years
Getting help for fear of strangers
Fear of strangers: the basics

Fear of strangers is very common. It’s a normal stage in child development.

It happens as your baby develops a healthy attachment to familiar people – like you. Because babies prefer familiar adults, they might react to strangers by crying or fussing, going very quiet, looking fearful or hiding.

Fear of strangers usually becomes more intense at around 7-10 months of age. It can last a few months or continue for much longer. It usually passes somewhere between 18 months and 2 years.

It’s a developmental stage and at 7 months - possibly a little advanced? Also an indication of a wonderful attachment to primary care givers?

Tell him that it does not help to compare children- each one an individual with their own strengths!

Oops, sorry I didn't realise it copied all the toggle sub menu headings.

Also, none of it was written by me. I copy and pasted all of it from the link. However, it is consistent with what I was taught when studying early and middle childhood development.

Op, maybe your dh just needs to be reassured that this is normal development for all babies and this other baby may have already/is yet to go through this very same stage of development.

I wouldn’t have been happy hearing what he said. It smacks of your child never being good enough or meeting his expectations. Why can’t he just feel blessed to have the child he does have? Only a baby and already getting compared unfavourably. We are all different!

Stranger anxiety is a developmental stage... if they don’t go through it, it’s actually a red flag that there may be a developmental issue...so...

Sorry, but bollocks. Cod psychology.

There's an article about anxiety around strangers here from the American Academy of Pediatrics.
www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/Pages/Emotional-and-Social-Development-8-12-Months.aspx
Another one here
www.healthline.com/health/baby/stranger-anxiety
I remember the HV saying it was a good sign at my 9 month check when dd was a baby

Myimaginarycathasfleas it's not bollocks or Cod psychology (did you mean pop psychology), it is human development which is an interdisciplinary science. That means it is a field of study that has been contributed to by people from different areas of expertise including neuro science, biology, social science, anthropology, psychology etc. Do some research and get your facts straight.