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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No boundaries

25 replies

Mamato3kiddies · 18/01/2020 14:48

So iv been with my OH for 6 years, I have 2 kids from my previous relationship and him 4 from 3 previous. 1 does not talk to him at all, 1 used to contact him all the time (used to be a taxi driver) and she would call at all hours to get a lift, confronted him about this and now she doesn't contact him unless it's to do with their daughter, the 3rd on the other hand is a completely different kettle of fish.

We split for 5 month around 3 years ago and he slept with someone else (we were separated so don't care that much) although all arrows point to the 3rd mum, but he won't tell me who, we have since got back together and have a 2yo together. Since we got back together this 3rd baby mama is in contact with him constantly.

To be fair she does always make it look as though its to do with their boys but in a sense it's not really because it's calls n texts about the stupidest of stuff, she txts when we are about to have sex (midnight) and all other times and he thinks I still want to be intimate after it, he talks about her almost every day even after countless arguments about my feelings.

Before anyone says I know his kids come first 100% and so they should coz mine do too, but he doesn't want to start an argument with her incase she stops him seeing the boys which I fully understand, but where does my feelings come into this?

When it comes to childcare arrangements (we don't live together) I always have to wait and see what she wants first and what times are suitable for her, I'm writing this and it sounds petty but I wish I had all day to write what's going on. His ex even had a picture of me and my Ohs son in a frame in her bedroom saying she thought it was her son ( he looks like me).

I'm lost on a solution I love him but this with his ex is making our relationship strained and no matter how many times I mention it I'm always in the wrong. Do yous think I'm over reacting? I can provide more in depth details if they are needed for your opinion. Thanks for reading me novel x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2020 14:53

I think you’re under reacting to what sounds like a complete mess. He’s not going to change. You don’t live together and you don’t mention a single positive he brings to your life. I’d end it, you’ll find someone else you can love.

Firstawake · 18/01/2020 15:07

I'd never be anyones second best.

Mamato3kiddies · 18/01/2020 15:07

Thank you for your response, He wants us to live together but only ever mentions the financial benefits of it, I like living on my own so that part is completely my choice, plus imagine 7 kids in the 1 house every weekend and holidays lol he is an amazing dad and a great partner apart from all this crap with his ex, he does lovely things for me all the time and we do spend alot of time together, and when we are not in the same room together we are always in contact, I just don't understand why he can't set boundaries and put his foot down with her, I'm feeling like her constant presence is putting a strain on our relationship and he can't see that xx

OP posts:
Mamato3kiddies · 18/01/2020 15:09

Firstawake.

That's exactly how I feel when it comes to this matter, but he just sees it as keeping the peace. Xx

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 18/01/2020 15:16

He has 4 kids with three different women and a 2 year old with you and sleeps around.
Why? Are you so desperate for a man just anyone will do no matter how awful and messed up they are?
Ditch this loser and go to counselling to try and get your self esteen and self regard back.

Sn0tnose · 18/01/2020 15:19

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for wanting boundaries in his relationship with his ex partner. Why is he talking about her every day? If it was his children he was talking about every day, that would be completely understandable, but not her. And the photo of your son in her room is just weird. Where did she get it from? And how did you find out about that? If your boyfriend told you, what was he doing in her bedroom to see it? I think he might be enjoying the attention he’s getting from both of you.

You are being very unreasonable to refer to her as a ‘baby mama’.

12elve · 18/01/2020 15:21

Baby mama?

ffswhatnext · 18/01/2020 15:25

Second best? Not a chance. I'd be getting rid of him, not moving in with him.
Also, get yourself tested if you haven't already.

AuntieMarys · 18/01/2020 15:30

They are always amazing dads aren't they?

pineing · 18/01/2020 15:32

4 kids from 3 previous relationships?

He's not a terribly good long-term prospect, is he?

boredboredboredboredbored · 18/01/2020 15:32

Wow what a catch Hmm

Whynosnowyet · 18/01/2020 15:32

Imo he is so amazing in his eyes he will collect more dc but likely not with you...
Raise your bar op.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 18/01/2020 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mamato3kiddies · 18/01/2020 15:46

He slept with someone while we were separated so I can't really comment on that part to be fair, and yes I made him get tested before we slept together again, his sons had a picture of him that we gave them when their brother was born, it was his oldest son that told us about it, she has been with her current partner for the last 7 years so I often wonder what he thinks about the situation. He can't have any more kids because he got the snip last year, although I know what yous are all saying is true, think i was just looking for some level minded people o state the obvious, thanks to yous all for your reply xx

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 18/01/2020 15:56

He has five children with four different women - a two year old with you.

He doesn’t live with you.

He is constantly messaging someone else.

I think you deserve better.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/01/2020 16:22

He wants us to live together but only ever mentions the financial benefits of it.

Exactly who would benefit financially (or otherwise) from this? Sounds as if you have yourself 'sorted' as far as living independently and paying your own way. Sounds to me as if all you'd get from this would be a 'contribution' to rent/utilities (if any!), increased living costs (due to more people in the house, more school expenses, more gifts to buy) and a lot more housework to do. He'd benefit financially and would gain a housekeeper and someone to 'do for' him and his DC when they're there. No wonder he wants to live together. Not much of a 'downside' for him, is there?

I don't think he's worth your time, frankly.

ffswhatnext · 18/01/2020 17:52

Of course, it would suit him financially, he'd have less child support to pay out for starters.

Don't just rely on that one test. Somethings take longer to appear on tests.

makingmammaries · 18/01/2020 18:00

You don’t live with him so this is relatively simple. Walk away.

monkeymonkey2010 · 20/01/2020 23:25

He chooses not to set boundaries with his ex's.....slept with one of them asap after your break up....you forgave him quickly and then gave him a baby.....meantime he STILL refuses to set boundaries with his ex......

Don't move him in - for the reasons you mentioned and especially as you don't want his issues with ex/dc being IN your house.
At the moment you can make him leave the second you start getting stressed.

DollyDoneMore · 20/01/2020 23:35

He sounds nice.

Ginfordinner · 20/01/2020 23:39

You need to set your bar higher. A man with 5 children from 4 different relationships is not an amazing dad.

pallisers · 20/01/2020 23:42

jesus this is sad reading.

echt · 20/01/2020 23:44

A good dad? Hmm

Careless with his cock more like.

Bin him off. You can do better than this.

Wildorchidz · 20/01/2020 23:48

Poor kids. All of them.

katy1213 · 21/01/2020 00:18

Sounds like you're all 'baby mamas' and no doubt there will be more before this sorry excuse for a man is finished. I do feel sorry for the children whose mothers didn't have more self-respect.

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