Too exhausted for sex and it’s causing arguments!

[Worriedsick1235]

Me and OH been together 13 years and have two DC 6 and 2. I do suffer with anxiety and after birth of youngest I had PND, I am on a low dose of anti depressants which does help but I still do feel stressed and low quite a lot.

I work part time and OH full time. OH works shift work so he’s either working from 4am or he works until 11.30pm. I find this quite straining as he is tired a lot and so I do my best to make sure he gets to catch up on sleep.
My 2 year old is extremely clingy to me, if I’m here he won’t go to anybody else, teething at the moment and the joys of tantrums etc, but won’t be soothed or calmed by anybody but me, if they try he just screams insanely for me, if I’m at work he will but not when I’m at home. He seems to be better behaved for others than me, he will have a nap etc when I’m at work but when I’m here he won’t and tends to tantrum and demand my attention all the time. I do housework constantly, school run, work. When OH has a day off I give him a list of things to do which he does (his days off are usually when I’m at work)

Last night OH hinted to have sex and said we’ll see how I feel once kids are asleep, by time they were I was exhausted. Now granted I think we last had sex about 2 months ago, and it seems to be once a month at the most these days. He’s starting to think I don’t fancy him anymore but that’s not the case I am exhausted!! I don’t really care about sex to be honest, I could live without it.
I’m in bed for 7pm these days as it’s easier than being up and down with eldest, so I sit in bed watching tv. Some nights OH is asleep by 8.30 as tired from work and that’s ok but when I’m tired it’s because I don’t fancy him?!

I’m sure once toddler is a bit older and more independent I won’t be as tired but right now it’s a rough patch and rather than feel supported I feel like he’s having a sulk like a child!!

Who’s being unreasonable?

I don’t really care about sex to be honest, I could live without it

And he doesn’t want to live without it. That makes for an incompatible relationship.

So what could OH do to reduce the burden of exhaustion on you?

No one is being unreasonable. But marriages rarely survive when their sex drives are so mismatched. Only having sex once a month would be a deal breaker for me. That said I would try to help you so that you were less tired!

Neither of you is being unreasonable.

Wanting affection from (and sex with) your spouse is totally normal. And as you say it's been 2 months since the last time, and he only suggests occasionally then he's not being unreasonably demanding. Unless he has form for nasty behaviour elsewhere, stating he's worried you don't fancy him is also reasonable, and a sign of his insecurities. Are you really suggesting sex on the days he'bern working, and him saying he's too tired? I guess not.

Tiredness is an absolute kicker, and it makes everything so much worse. You both sound overstretched (unless you think he's faking tiredness to opt out). Something has tonchange so you both have more energy, for your family and for each other

Your toddler can settle, so perhaps you could look at a firmer sleep training method? Of course they like you there, but they can manage without, so reduce the amount of settling you do, and have DH do it, even when youare in, not break the pattern. Pop out, perhaps, so you aren't tempted to take over.

Which leads to a second suggestion which might go down like a cup of cold sick, but use that time to exercise. Go for a walk or start C25K. Exercise is (somewhat counterintuitively) really good for your energy levels a for mental health. It could really help you.

As will finding the time to really talk to your DH.

Remember, thus is a phase, a tough one, but it will pass

It's natural he feels rejected. You're saying you don't want sex with anyone, he's thinking it's sex with him.

Instead of being all defensive about it and spitting nails at each other you need to talk to each other honestly.

Our sex lives didn't really improve until the youngest was less clingy, sleeping regularly in her own bed etc - so probably around 4. Keep communicating but relationships should be for the long haul not just based on what is happening right now. There are things that help, like having time to yourself and getting out of the house - strangely time away makes you feel more "yourself" and helps you feel you aren't just a mum. It's a very intense time though and you can feel touched-out.

What was it like before you had children, the younger one in particular?

If you don’t like having sex and think doing it reluctantly every couple of months is tolerable why and when do you think it’ll change? Yes you’re tired but if you know you don’t want to do it how will your feelings change? Do you want them do?

Lots of people say they experience low or no libido on ADs, do you think that’s a factor?

You’re both tired. He’s working horrible hours and must be exhausted too. It’s often about priorities. But if you think you’re not bothered about it at all and don’t expect that to change you need to have a proper conversation about it. I’ve got a baby, I’m tired, but I wouldn’t be okay with sex every month or 2 months and if my husband felt he’d prefer a sexless marriage I’d want to know.

Thanks all for your input! A lot to think about. No he doesn’t demand it a lot and I suppose once a month isn’t great. We have said once we sort moving house we would think about him going into a more routine job with set hours which should help things enormously.
With toddler I tend to give in if dad try’s to calm him as he does this ear piercing loud screaming and I find it hard to listen to for so long, if I allow him to settle with me I get a peace quicker, maybe I need to change that.

He’s definitely not faking tiredness, he is very overstretched and his body clock is all over the place, he doesn’t do say a week of 4ams then a week of late nights, they change daily so we never have a routine going.

I will try to have a good word with him when he gets home. I do feel a bit bad now to be honest.

Anti depressants can effect your libido, was your sex life good before? Maybe visit your gp? I agree that you must be tired, parenting is exhausting! But for no sex for 2 months and you not to be interested it could be tablets playing a part. Maybe find a way to have a break once a week or so, talk to your gp and see how you feel.

I’m EBF and my hormones are defo effecting my libido but once we get close it is fine, I just don’t seem to initiate as much anymore. You might find that if you get your head space right and try to be intimate it doesn’t seem so unappealing

I think communication is key, together try and find ways to ease your burden. Reassure him you still fancy him. Find time for quick cuddles and kisses. Sex is more important than housework.

Totally get where you are coming from, OP. IIt sounds like you are both overstretched between work and kids. So...

• Find a routine that works for you both. For your DH, that will mean addressing his work hours in the long run as topsy-turvry sleep regimes will hurt his health.

For you, look at gentle sleep training and discipline for both kids. At six, you should not be going up and down the stairs all night for your eldest. The cards system (e.g. 3 cards for drink/toy/attention) works well as does Calpol and teething granules for the youngest before bed, if the teeth have been playing up. It's grim and I do feel for you.

• Make time for affection and intimacy. Even if it's once a week for 20 minutes, turn the TV and phones off and spend time with each other. Talk, chat, touch, compliment each other.
• I would imagine you are completely touched out by the toddler. If you can, book a fitness class that gets you out if the house when your DH can care for the kids. It worked wonders for my mental health.
• Finally, checks the medication is not lowering your libido.

Hang in there. It's going to get a lot better in the next 18 months as the DCs mature.

• I second the

Hi OP
Life will get easier,but then other challenges may come along.
When you go up at 7pm could you share a hot bubble bath together,just talking and enjoying each other(no work or child talk)then take things to bed with a bottle of wine and just hold each other and see what happens?
No big expectations but taking things slowly and gently.remembering all the things you love about each other.

Sex is more important than housework
Is that why so many men want to do lots of one and none of the other?

Yep.

There really is no need to constantly be doing housework. Try the organised mum method - it's revolutionised how we do chores. I think I have a similar work life balance to you OP, I'm a teacher part time but work most evenings and weekends with another business. DH also has a demanding role and we both commute around 2 hours a day. I typically finish work about 10pm and I'm exhausted with 2 toddlers. That said, DH and I probably DTD twice a week, with some sporadic weeks. I would be concerned if I wasn't bothered about sex for a month or more. DH is by no means high libido, I'd say I'm average. Do the meds affect sex drive?