Toxic sister

[thecoalbucket]

I have a toxic sister.Im
Sure her heart is in the right place in the right place but when I meet her I feel drained exhausted and just want to drink !
I have recently separated . She is thriving on the gossip and the talk in the village. My husband cheated on me, left us and we are trying to rebuild our lives.
When we meet she wants to talk about the misery of it all, the heartache, the betrayal and have a good ole bitch about him. I don't.

My close friends and Other sisters and brothers are super supportive and practical.
My sister lives hours away. She keeps wanting to come and stay and engage in the betrayal talk. I want to move on and be positive and try to start a new normal
For me and our children.
I have told white lies .. I won't be here, I will be leaving etc but now she wants to stay at my home for accommodation when I'm
Away. She is very tight with money and doesn't like to pay for accommodation. My house is full of legal
Documents, personal stuff that she goes through and uses all my clothes: cosmetics : food: and leaves the place in a Complete mess. I feel guilty as she is my sister but my counsellor recommends I do low contact . How do I say no. How do I create boundaries ..I know her heart is in the right place for her but for me she stresses the hell out of me
Help!!!

Anyone???

Mumsnet has taught me that “no that doesn’t work for me” is a perfectly acceptable answer to any proposed plans that you don’t like.

I get where you’re coming from because my friends did the same when I separated. They felt that continuously slagging off my ex meant they were showing support to me and I didn’t like it. It didn’t help me at all with moving on. Is it possible you could let her know that you’re being positive looking to the future and you don’t want to talk about your ex?

I don’t think her heart is in the right place. From what you have written it sounds as though she doesn’t think about your needs and feelings at all.Avoid her.

Just say 'no that won't be possible'. If she asks why then tell her it just doesn't suit you - she can't argue with that. Don't apologise and don't get into a discussion where she can wear you down. I wouldn't have her to stay and I definitely wouldn't give her the loan of the house while you're away. As soon as she brings up your break up tell her you are not discussing that. And keep repeating and changing the subject. She'd do my head in!

Op, listen carefully. I am going to teach you a very important phrase that can be used whenever you don't want to do something or you are not happy about something. You do not have to justify it and it is complete. Here it comes
No.

Ok
But why do I feel
So bad 😬

How about saying something very directly: sis it’s lovely you’ve got my back but I’m bored of this now so I don’t want to go over old ground. Help me plan . When she asks if she can stay, say no thanks - it’s important to me that it’s just me and the kids there. And then stop talking. No more white lies. If she’s stroppy, ask her why - I thought you were trying to help me - please respect my wishes.

Can you not just say 'I appreciate your concern but I need to deal with this in my own way. Talking about it all the time is stressing me out and stopping me from dealing with things. It's best that you don't stay at my house this time as things are up in the air and I need to get some normality for the DCs'

Toxic people can only have a toxic impact if you let them. You need to stop worrying about offending her and start reminding yourself YOUR FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT TOO.

"No" is a complete sentence. You can be firm without being blunt or rude. You do not need to explain why a topic is not up for discussion such as an ex or why your house is not up for staying in. You don't want to discuss it, it doesn't suit, end. Smile (thereby subtly taking charge of the situation) and change subject.

I have never been happier since I decided to stop worrying about other people's opinions of me, and especially their expectations of me.

Also so sorry to hear of what you've been through, small villages can be great as everyone knows everyone, but they can also be terrible... as everyone knows everyone! Great to hear you are trying your best to be positive and begin a new normal - you can do this, just remember it's ok to put yourself first at a vulnerable time in your life

Thanks for your lovely words x