To sleep with someone new after only a month being single?

[SunnySully]

I've recently come out of a long term relationship (2 years) it was very abusive and 1 sided and it took me a while to pluck up the courage to leave but in the end I found some strength and got out.
Since leaving him I have felt nothing but relief, I haven't felt down at all, I've been enjoying my freedom and really seem to have gotten my confidence and my oomph back.

I feel like the relationship was over for me a long time before it was actually over and I think I stopped loving him about a year ago after a particularly violent and frightening attack on me.
So, as it happens there is a male who ive found myself interested in, I met him pretty much about 3 days after my seperation. At first it was just social media chatting but now we are texting at all hours of the day; I find myself looking forward to waking up to one of his messages.

I don't feel like the situation would get messy at all if we ended up dating and sleeping together, I don't have any loyalty to anyone and I feel like it's given me a huge boost of confidence knowing that this attractive man is as keen as I am.
The problem is I've had a fair few friends and even colleagues telling me it's too soon and I shouldn't even be thinking of anyone else yet and should give myself time to heal. I feel as though I am being made out to be a slag but indirectly.
As far as I'm concerned I have nothing to heal from; my life over the last 4 weeks has been amazing and I couldn't feel happier if I tried.

So how soon is too soon after a relationship has ended?

I don’t think they are calling you a slag, I see where they are coming from and they are probably just concerned.

There is no time limit could be a week so what feels right for you

I don’t think they are calling you a slag. Coming out of an abusive relationship takes time to recover from (although there isn’t a time limit I suppose). You don’t want to bounce from 1 bad relationship to another so I suppose it’s more of a be careful and get to know him first type thing

Only you would know OP. If a personal friend asked me, I’d say rebound however, if it works for you, go for it

No, I don't think the timing is the issue, given that you'd sort of 'checked out' of the other 'relationship' way more than a month ago!

However. Here's the thing. Your post implies you haven't actually met this new bloke yet. Is that true? I might be wrong.

What 'red flags', if any, did you not see with the other relationship? Have you given yourself time to reflect on that, if you need to? Are you inoculated against the same mistakes, now? As far as anyone can be!

If you 'end up' dating, great. But you don't have to sleep with him. You can give yourself time, on the basis that if he is a 'keeper', he'll respect your boundaries; but if you're afraid you'll 'lose him' if you don't sleep with him, you need to do a bit more work on yourself.

I am very, very old. I never, ever had sex on a first date. In fact- and I can see half of MN reel back from the very prudery of what I am about to say: I always gave it 6 weeks of proper, meeting up/coffee/dinner/movies/walks in the park 'dating' before having sex.

I don't think your month or so 'post relationship' is too soon. But give yourself time this time around, as you may not yet have processed what went wrong last time. And whether there were warning signs you missed! This is what your friends are thinking.

There’s no such thing as a time limit as it’s different for everyone. My last ex was really awful, controlling and manipulative, the day after he moved out I invited a previous ex over and we had a very nice fwb arrangement for a few weeks.

I’ve now met someone really nice and it’s going really well.

Different people need different recovery, do whats right for you, not whats right for your friends.

Have you actually met him..? It sounds like your friends are just concerned for you.

Echoing the poster above, have you actually met him?
If you have and there’s chemistry etc, do what you like! I did similar, it didn’t work out but no regrets!

Thank you ladies.
I guess I really never looked at it as they were coming from a place of concern but more that they were just trying to imply I was being a bit slutty for jumping into bed with someone else so soon.
No we haven't met in person yet: but I do know that I find him insanely attractive and I think about having sex with him on a fair few occasions throughout the day. So I would be kidding myself if I was to say I know I wouldn't sleep with him on the first date. I feel like I know him already and we've done the "getting to know each other part".
I don't want a relationship with him. Like someone else said I just want a FWB arrangement and I know he's about to do a season abroad so he won't be looking for a anything permanent neither. The arrangement would suit us both!

When I say we haven't met, I mean one on one. We've never been and done something in each other's company just the two of us. We do go to the same gym though and have physically been within a vicinity of each other to say hello etc.

Do what you like. You're your own agent, OP.
It could be just what you need. It could be a right hot mess. You'll find out!

Your friends are probably concerned, many women that leave abusive relationships are vulnerable to other controlling and abusive men so they may be worried that rushing into anything could be a red flag.
Just don't let any new man railroad you into anything, even if they're appearing to be doing it with kindness

TBH it sounds like it’d be best if you did The Freedom Program first.

If we were talking just one off sex I’d say go for it but it’s maybe not that healthy to get into any form of new relationship just yet. A FWB arrangement is a type of relationship.

Do you have children OP?

But are you even 'friends' to have a FWB relationship??

Indeed Miljea - I’ve had FWB relationships but the F has always come well before the B.

@MmeBufo what's the freedom programme?

Here @SunnySully www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ There’s a link part way down the page to find out where it’s given in your area. Please seriously consider doing the course, it’s free and would almost certainly really do you good

You haven’t told him you are just out of an abusive relationship have you? I agree with you doing the freedom programme. As much
as it pains me to tell you many abused women do end up in further abusive relationships. I used to fund raise for a women’s refuge and it was an eye opener. Plus he is currently a fantasy, you may meet him and he isn’t up to scratch at all or what you thought.

They say it takes getting 'under' somebody to get 'over' somebody. If its a one-night stand type of thing then as long as you're careful - and I'm not just talking about contraception etc then go for it. I wouldn't be rushing into a new relationship however. You need time on your own to be on your own and figure who you are outside of your previous relationship.

If you do sleep with anyone - you don't have to tell anyone. I don't go around telling my friends when me and DH sleep together

Dobby who says that??? 🤔😊

I would say they don’t think you are a
Slag

But anyone ending an abusive relationship should tread ultra carefully . Not to sound victim
Blaming but red flags 🚩

Do you know what they are , can you
Be sure you will see then next time ? That’s all

I have some friends who always go for nice guys , I wouldn’t worry about them

But me ? And some others ? I would either caution

How can you be fwb when your aren’t actually friends?
I don’t say this to be pedantic but you've never met the guy properly. at the moment he’s a fantasy. You need to separate the fantasy from what’s true.
He might be dull or annoying or worse. He might not be friend material.
I think the freedom program sounds like a good move for you.

@Miljea
People. Google it

I did